Me(21F) and my partner (24M) are extremely honest and open in our relationship about our thoughts/needs etc and from the start that has always made our relationship work very well. We are both pretty open at trying new things sexually and again are honest about what we like in that department. Our sex is amazing because of this but recently I explained to him that I think maybe my sex drive is slightly higher than his because I noticed that sometimes he’s not up for it when I am (which is completely fine, was just an observation). He explained that sometimes for a man it’s very tiring having sex as he is mostly doing a lot of the work and even when I’m on top doing the work he’s in his head a lot. He said that mentally he is constantly focused on pleasing me and has a lot of thoughts based around basicallt “don’t cum yet” because he can see I’m enjoying or I say something like don’t stop etc so he’s trying not to cum so that he lasts longer for me. He also said men (or the male friends he has talked to about this) tend to feel a lot of pressure to make women orgasm and he said sometimes he feels a bit disheartened if I don’t cum. I told him that for women it’s a lot harder and for me if I don’t cum it doesn’t mean I haven’t enjoyed it, and sometimes I even struggle to do it myself! He’s assured me it’s nothing I’m doing or not doing but just psychological and something kind of ingrained- and he has always felt that way with past partners too. I felt bad because I want him to be able to relax and feel pleasure without being worried about these things. I told him that during sex for me, I focus on the pleasure and how good his body feels against mine etc. I would love for him to be able to get out of his head and just enjoy it without having to ‘perform’. I wonder if anyone has felt this way too and if anyone has any advice on what we can do to work on it?
19 comments
Good question, I look forward to hearing guys’ responses on how they “fight through” this kind of thing
Oral sex to please the woman seems to work most of the time for me. Does he think penetration sex is the only option?
He is putting too much thought into it as I consider it normal as a guy to thrust, etc. I happen to love bringing my wife to orgasm with oral. Perfectly normal at times for her to have earth shattering orgasms and times when none at all.
Basically, your BF has a variation on performance anxiety and that’s exactly what he’s experiencing: *anxiety*
Just as there are men who treat sex through a purely self-centered lens — “what’s in it for me?” — he’s going too far in the other direction, feeling like he’s *responsible* for sex and I can see why that’d be a drag on his libido.
Here’s a suggestion I have that’s worked really well in my sex life:
The two of you should be more deliberate in *taking turns*. Taking turns means both in terms of:
-Who is taking action and who is the action being done to?
-Whose pleasure is being focused on?
Example, if you’re giving a blowjob, you’re taking action for his pleasure. But if you’re riding him, you’re taking action for your pleasure. This all make sense?
So at the start of a session, the two of you should decide whose “turn” it is to have their sexual pleasure focused on.
Let’s say it’s him: in that case, whatever happens, regardless on whether you’re taking action or he is, his pleasure is being centered. Getting him off is your *mutual* goal. (If you get off along the way, cool, but that’s a bonus).
Then the next time, it’s your turn: you’re the focus on pleasure and both of you are helping you get off. (And again, if he gets off along the way, cool, but that’s not the focus).
Just try this out as an experiment. See if it helps him get out of his head and allows him to enjoy sex *on his terms*.
I think, eventually, you won’t necessarily need to take turns on different nights but instead, you can take turns during a single session: where each of you are being deliberate in “whose pleasure is being centered right now and how?”
If you want to learn more about this, check out Betty Martin’s “[Wheel of Consent](https://bettymartin.org/videos/)”
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I think it would be beneficial to explore other types of sex other than PiV. Fingers and toys can help take the pressure of him needing to make you cum via his dick. Sometimes he can last, but other times maybe he can’t. Having the ability to still pleasure you via fingering or dildos until you’re satisfied will mean he can be more in the moment and not fear enjoying sex too much
I’ve been there. Does he watch lots of porn?
There’s nothing wrong with porn but I found when I’m watching it more I tend to lean towards making sex a performance.
I always care about my partners pleasure but when my porn consumption increases I notice that I’m more disconnected and more anxious in my body.
Married 10 years. I know how to please my partner, know what she likes and always achieve what needs to be done. However sometimes I still have these anxieties. Maybe it never goes away.
For me it’s that my mrs doesn’t talk about sex out of the bedroom much. This then makes me start having doubts in my own head until I say something and she reassures me. Then we go through the same cycle again and again every 6 months or year. I mention that we don’t talk about it enough and she says she will but its just the same thing again and again.
Figuring out what she likes has been a guessing game because she is not verbal enough. I do ask and never get proper answers so I’ve spent 10 years of trial and error. I’ve had many moments of anxiety thinking am I doing the right thing.
Just communicate with your partner more, make it clear what you do and don’t like. show him if you have to. Communicate in the moment too if you are not already. Maybe all he needs is reassurance through communication.
I’ve not had a relationship where the woman didn’t run me into the ground sexually, and that’s without performance anxiety. I’m pretty much convinced that women have a significantly higher sex drive, they just also have the ability to use discretion and not project that need/desire to the world in the same way men do.
I agree with the ‘taking turns’ recommendation though, even though I wouldn’t really look for 1-to-1 exchange. My recent ex was one of the best sexual experiences I’ve had but she almost completely lacked the ability to try and reciprocate or cater to my needs. She wasn’t selfish in any way and I basically had free reign over her but she just couldn’t be bothered to get my desires to the top of her priority list.
My boyfriend has this too sometimes. He doesn’t really have anxiety that impacts his libido, but he struggles to not cum quickly. I made sure to let him know I don’t mind not always cumming, but what really helped with this was just me deciding when he gets to cum. Most of the time I notice when he gets close, and when he wants to slow down to last longer I just keep moving the way he likes to make him cum.
This is totally valid. As a man i feel like i often have less of an opportunity to just sit back and enjoy the experience, because even though my gf doesn’t ‘expect’ it, she has a wayyy better time if I’m huffing and puffing from pounding away by the end of it. And that on top of wearing a condom which already decreases pleasure, and requires you to remove it right after so you can’t even just lay there and chill when you finish, just contributes to the feeling that it’s a whole process and not always mentally or physically easy for the man.
I agree with the comment suggesting you decide whose ‘turn’ it is beforehand
This sounds pretty normal, I can relate with a lot of what he is saying and its not your fault in any way. You are saying the right things, and I am sure he appreciates being able to talk about it.
My recommendation to make him feel more relaxed is to have special edition sexy times at reasonable intervals where it’s all about him, no penetration and if you need some too wait until he has finished. He might not be comfortable with so much attention at first, but understand that men masturbate when they are too tired for sex, so basically if you just do that with him and I promise you the man will feel like a king for days and it will help him be more comfortable during sex too.
Marijuana has helped me a lot with this exact issue.
As a man, I 100% can confirm what he is saying is true. Probably why I don’t enjoy sex all that often.
M28 here just putting in my tuppence.
I suffered performance anxiety for over a decade (15-27) with the same partner for 10 years. 3 partners before her.
Alot of the time as males we do have every single thought your partner is telling you. The worst one has to be the, am I lasting long enough for her before I finish, atleast for myself. It took me so long to finally get the courage to speak to her about it.
We looked into ways to train myself to last longer, or atkeast as long as she needs, as often still she is the tipping point still 😅.
This helped me massively once i could see it was actually paying off, it’s like a switch was flipped in my brain going, hey wait you’ve got this!
As others have said, taking turns and clearly communicating, that this turn is purely for you/him/both of you. One thing that helped me with letting go when it was my partners turn to give, was having my eyes covered, that way I didn’t feel pressured to look at her to gauge her reaction, if I was doing something right or wrong.
By the sounds of it he just needs reassurance that everything is okaii and he’s doing a good job
Just look through this sub lol. Sex is *absolutely* a performance for men.
I agree with the other commenters, taking turns on who gets the focus/who has to “do the work” would likely help
Tell that man to sit back and relax while you take over things (if he’s along with the idea)😂
Anxious guys will tend to pull away from sex because it usually involves a lot of there emotion. Trying this may show him that he can enjoy the routine of things, with little to no worries. Also providing a comfortable experience that hopefully satisfies both of you.
Remember though, sex isn’t everyone’s forté
If you will, play it smart and find what makes you both go nuts 😂🤷🏽♂️
I know this is selfish, but this is one of the main reasons I prefer blowjobs over PIV. There’s no performance pressure nor anxiety that comes with sex. One way that I overcome that is by giving her oral to completion first. That way, I know she’s already cum at least once, so it’s not such a big deal if she doesn’t cum again from the sex that follows. That takes a big mental burden off, which in turn ends up improving my performance by a lot- and sometimes she does end up cumming again.
I’ve had this conversation with my wife, pretty much verbatim. Most times it feels like work because I’m the one who’s thrusting or holding or propping, etc. She mainly lies back to receive and enjoy. She really can’t give me oral because she struggles with jaw issues, like TMJ. But she doesn’t like giving hang jobs either.
After all this, I always try and make sure that she has a good time. My therapist tells me that sometimes I can be a little selfish too, but it’s not in my personality. I gotta figure out a middle ground where I can not have sex feel like work but still provides and receive pleasure.