We dated for 3 years prior (30F, 34M). All was good but we never lived together or had high expectations beyond the typical loyalty, honesty, etc. we talked a lot about communication and both felt that we valued the same things and that we would always have an open channel for communication.
1. All easier said than done. Now that we are married, expectations have risen. We’re living together for the first time. We each have different ways – with household chores, he’s more “laid back”, I’m more “get it done”. I like things a specific way, and he’s been great at learning. Certain things (ex. Submerge dirty pots/pans 8 in water otherwise it’s harder to wash) i keep having to nag him about but should be common sense.
There’s this feeling of when he cleans/does anything, it should be praised but I’m expected to do it every other time.
2. We are south Asian descent. Family time is very important to both of us but I would like me and him to grow ourselves without the dependency on parents. It’s hard to maintain that when we are babied. It’s mostly his mom babying us by continuously offering to cook meals and do grocery shopping. My parents also like to give us food to take back but it’s usually whatever has been cooked and there’s extra of (enough for one meal later) They don’t cook with the intention of cooking meals separately for us to take back. While his mom will prep/cook specifically for us to take home (enough for a whole week) in addition to whatever she cooks for us when we go visit. It makes me feel like his mom doesn’t think we can take care of ourselves. I can’t cook anything with my husband because all of this extra food with go bad. How do I explain to my husband the difference between the intentions behind his mom and my mom sending food back. Is there a difference?
3. There’s this expectation of south Asian women to visit/stay over/live with(May I never see those days) her in-laws. Before marriage we talked a lot about outdated expectations of men and women in south Asian culture and he agreed with them. Fast forward to now, all of a sudden I’m told I should be more understanding of it and it’s normal for his mom to want us to stay over so often. (Every week she makes some comment about when we’ll go visit and maybe we can stay over) and once we’re there I really hate seeing how she babies my husband and how she seems to think her poor son is malnutritioned without her and how hard he was to work without her there. And so naturally I formed a distaste for going to his parents place. We faced friction with that too.
Everytime we talk about these things, we both have a defensive wall up, we both feel judged for what we want, how we say things, and usually get very sensitive to hearing the other lay it on. We end up fighting, becoming closed off and distant.
Any advice on what to do/ how to communicate better without hurting each others feelings?
1 comment
Regarding the first one.
This **HAS** to be a compromise.
> i like things a specific way, and he’s been great at learning.
This is going to cause resentment. Come up with a minimum standard of cleaning that you both agree to. That’s the baseline. If anyone wants it above that baseline, that’s on them.
Are you sure you’re expected to do these things every time or are you taking it on every time because you have such an expectation of them.
I cook 90% of the meals in my house. Very rarely do I need to soak a pot or pan to clean them. If you’re using the right cookware for whatever you’re cooking, cleaning shouldn’t be difficult.
2) just both agree to not take food back from your parents? That’s the easiest one to do. Cut it on both parts unless it’s like a specific meal you guys each like from your family. My wife will take her moms meatloaf back home whenever she makes it. Just like I will take my grandmother’s mac and cheese or sausage and cabbage. But we mainly just cook our own meals.
Now that you guys have tried, got defensive, feel judged. Might be time to have a couples counselor. They teach you **HOW** to communicate so each feel heard, validated, and seeing the other persons perspective without taking it personal.