We are going to get engaged in a few months after living in for almost a year. We stay far away from our respective houses.
My girlfriend does not like my mother. She foul mouths her in front of me but in her absence. She is very critical about her choice of words (My mother sometimes sticks to her beliefs, e.g.: how one should stay connected with the family) and actions (e.g.: When we are out of our family house my mother sometimes calls in to check if we are running late); however i believe we all should accept individualities and criticism is not a choice for elders since they are not so welcoming to changes. I have never disrespected her mother in front of her and I treat her the same way I would treat any elderly person – politely disagreeing if we don’t match; she says it’s okay for her mother to do all these coz she is her mother. Though, my mother loves her and has high regards and respect about her and many a times she has mentioned it to her as well.
I have tried to talk through this, explaining her my mother’s perspectives or probable thought process behind an action/response; however we never have a fulfilling and logical discussion as she thinks I support my mother a lot. Now a days the fights go on for days because of this. I expect her to keep in touch with my mother or at least be warm when she tries to reach out to her, however it is not happening as she finds faults in almost everything my mother does.
I love her for the person she is but respecting an individual as a trait is a dealbreaker for me.
Am I expecting too much or this is going to be bigger post marriage if we don’t solve it right now?
TLDR: Gf does not respectfully talk about my mother and asks me to coach my mother on how to act. I am not okay with it.
3 comments
I think before even getting engaged, married etc. You and her need to deal with this situation. The examples you mentioned so far are literally nothing. What is so bad about checking if you are running late? She is also being a hypocrite being saying that her own mother can do all these things. If there is something I can’t stand is being disrespectful to people for no freaking reason. She either needs to stop this behavior or otherwise you need to consider if you can be with her like this forever. Also if kids are something that is in your future then even more so to get her to stop. Can’t even imagine the damage that will do hearing their mother talking about one of their grandmothers like that.
This will be an ongoing problem and will probably get worse the more secure your GF gets. Once married with kids I bet she will object to having the children spend time with your mom, and ice her out slowly. She just has to wear you down over time. This will be a continuing battle until you give up.
A lot of older people have outdated ideas and beliefs. Rather than argue, I humor them. Some things aren’t worth fighting about. Just agree to disagree. Even with their quirks older people are worth spending time with. My mom is gone now, and I miss her terribly. I wish I had spent more time with her. I have no audio or video images. Just photographs. I wish I had recorded some of the stories she used to tell about growing up. You only get one mom, many people have had more than one wife.
Why do you want to marry this girl? She is already causing division in your family and going after the woman who birthed and raised you?
Can’t you find a girl who loves family and will honor your parents as you do?