Long distance GF friends get the best out of her through peer pressure, I’m gentle and I lose out
So my (33m) long distance GF (26F) has a bunch of personal issues atm and isn’t up to doing much. We talk a lot about this and slowly she (and me by proxy) are working on her state to get to a better place.
The issue is more personal for me, I’m highly conflicted. I try to be very gentle, if she isn’t feeling good I won’t pressure her into meeding (it’s easy, short flight into Europe). However, her friends and colleagues will pressure her into going out, it doesn’t happen too often but it does, and for want of a better word I realise now I’m quite jealous of this. Other people seem to get the best from her by pressuring her into what they want, and I don’t because I really don’t want to (and won’t) be that guy. But it does bum me out that there’ll be times when we could have done something but she’s been in bed miserable all week and can’t, only to be pressured into going out and then becoming even more miserable.
How do I deal with this for me? It’s difficult to know I could be selfish and get what everyone else seems to, but I love her and I don’t ever want to put her in a position like that.
Tldr. I don’t pressure her into meeting when she’s in a sad place but everyone else does and I’m not sure how to deal with the jealousy but won’t do that to her obviously.
3 comments
So hang on.
You’re jealous that her friends treat her like shit?
There’s some objectification going on here. I don’t mean sexual objectification.
Her friends are seemingly treating her like an object. She’s miserable. Going out doesn’t make her happier. But they keep pushing her to go out anyway. They want her around on *their* terms, which means they’re treating her like an object. Like an accessory, a thing they can just choose to bring around.
Is this set-up worthy of jealousy? Or is it worthy of pity for your GF and ire for the pushy friends?
I feel like you’re flirting with objectifying her as well, because you’re fantasizing about pressuring her and what that might get *you*.
>It’s difficult to know I could be selfish and get what everyone else seems to
This seems like an attitude issue to me. Analogy time: I’m an artisan business person. I make things by hand, partially because it gives me greater control over how ethical my business is.
Now I could sit around feeling sorry for myself. If *only* I were less strict with myself, I could be white labelling mass produced “artisan goods” from Ali Baba. Sure they might be made by slave labour. But I’d make more money because I’d spend less time producing and more time slingin’ my goods. That other business I’m following in my circuit is doing it… Millions of other biz people don’t care so why should I? I’m jealous of those people who just want profit… poor me, poor good person me.
Sounds pretty silly doesn’t it? Sitting around feeling sorry for myself would be waste of my time. Sitting around nursing my ego about how virtuous I am is a severe waste of time.
Real talk: If I’m gonna be a sharky capitalist? Fuck the ethics, do profit. If I’m gonna put my ethics first as an entrepreneur? Then fuck profiteering for profiteering’s sake. Do harm reduction while making a living.
I’ve made my choice. I’m in control of my choices. If one day I decide that I want to join the sharks… I can. I don’t want to taste blood every time I make a sale, so I don’t think that’s gonna happen. But it’s **my** choice to prioritize ethics over getting what I want faster.
You are in control of your choices, and you’re choosing to treat this woman as a human being who needs to meet you on terms that are agreeable to **both parties**. Keep doing that, and try to recognize that your jealousy is misplaced.
Her friends aren’t forcing her to go out, she is choosing to go out. She is an adult, after all, and presumably knows how to say no more than once.
And this seems to be the root of the problem: she tells you “no” and them “yes” when it comes to getting together and doing stuff. And it sounds like you’re upset because it feels like she values time with them more than time with you.
Have you told her how you’re feeling?
I’ll add that if she is legitimately agreeing to do stuff that harms her mental health, she really needs to work on boundaries with her friends.