Hi all,
I have been with my girlfriend for almost two years and we have had lots of fun and laughs over that period. We have also had a few squabbles every now and then but we smooth these over and discuss like adults.
However, one recurring theme where we have clashed is us not meeting up ‘enough’ during the week. Now I work a 9-5 and my commute is quite long so realistically its actually a 7-7. We both live at home and so often I will go home, eat and then drive to her which is about a 15 minute drive away. We will spend a few hours together and then because I have work I will go home. In contrast, she only works three days a week and her job is a 20 minute walk away.
Now sometimes I am too tired to do anything or other evenings I am either doing errands or meeting with friends but we will try to hang out at least 3 times a week. We will always go to her house and she does not like public transport much so often I am the one making the journey.
Nevertheless, she always complains and today I was going to see her after the gym and she just sounded a bit moody because she said she was waiting (the journey to get back after the gym was going to be an hour but I said I am happy to do it). I then just kind of snapped and said why don’t you help me out and meet me halfway rather than just waiting. Maybe this was not the best reaction but just her tone and recent comments on this topic have sort of not sat right with me.
For instance, since 2023 has begun she will pull up a statistic like ‘oh you have not seen me in a weekend in 2023 so far’. I feel like she wants someone to be there with her a lot more than I can feasibly do… I don’t know if I am just a terrible boyfriend.
TLDR: My girlfriend and I have frequently clashed on the amount of time spent together and it is starting to grate on me, especially considering I make the journey for the majority of meet-ups.
21 comments
It genuinely sounds like she wants you to do all the work. You drive over there 3x a week. Which is apparently not enough for her, while she doesn’t even have a car?
I would have a very serious conversation about effort. It should not always be you all the time. 3x a week is more than enough. If *she* wants to hangout more, then *she* is welcome to come over or meet at a closeby restaurant once in awhile. It’s not fair at all.
I see a few areas to look at here. First one is lifestyle and compatibility. Some people want to be with their partner as often as possible. Some people need a bit more alone time, whether that’s for resting physically or mentally. It’s all very personal.
If two people are on very different sides of that hermit/always together spectrum… it can be extremely difficult, if not impossible, to keep both parties feeling good in the relationship.
Most 20 year olds have a different lifestyle than most 26 year olds. You both sound pretty normal for your ages. Your GF is 20, working half time, and wants to prioritize her social life. You’re 26, working full time, and you *have* to prioritize your work life.
Second area worth looking at here is reciprocity. The phrase “meet me halfway” comes up. Is this an issue in other areas of your relationship? Do you feel things are out of balance? That she asks for a lot without giving much back? It sounds like a *lot* to be out for work 12 hours of the day, 5 days a week, and then spending even more time with your GF during the evenings… I’m a hermit, so take that with a grain of salt lol, but gosh I feel tired just thinking about it.
Another thing to consider is communication. It sounds like you got kinda reactive when you perceived moodiness on her part… I don’t have enough details to say how justifiable that reactiveness was. But maybe asking something like, “how are you feeling babe?” instead of launching into fight mode could be helpful in the future… and instead of snapping, share things like the following before you blow:
>her tone and recent comments on this topic have sort of not sat right with me.
You are allowed to say this kind of thing to your girlfriend if she is consistently upsetting you.
What you don’t wanna do is let this resentment build unchecked. That will only make everything worse. If you need your gf to meet you halfway more often, those talks need to start happening.
The calculating like “you haven’t seen me a single weekend in 2023” thing is just… sigh, to be 20. It takes most people a while to grow out of doing that kind of bratty shaming. Hopefully she stops. If she can’t, then she might not be mature enough for you.
A few things to consider:
Create a standing date night so that she still gets a date night no matter how crazy things get.
The other big issue that stands out is your relationship seems to resemble a booty call. You only hang out just the two of you in the evening. This may not be her idea of a relationship.
Do you two ever go to fun group events together or parties with friends?
Lastly she needs to meet you partway. Can you suggest cooking dinner together? Trading off at each other houses. Possibly once a week?
She’s selfish/controlling and emotionally abusive. You need to ditch the little girl and focus on yourself and/or look for someone closer to your age or older.
One, I think she’s being a bit selfish and out of line becuase she doesn’t understand how much work you actually are doing. Two, I think you need to tell her she’s asking too much, and that maybe once in the work week she needs to go to your house, then weekends you guys can figure out something.
It also just might be time for you guys to move in together ..
Do you work weekends? When my partner and I got together we lived 50 minutes away from each other but he would come over every weekend to see me ( he didn’t work weekends) and sometimes he would come over once or twice a week if I really needed him. He always came to my place cause my roommates were better than his lol.
You have a point, it sounds like you’re the one putting in the most effort. I get she doesn’t like public transport, but couldn’t she get an uber or something be waiting for you at your place? I don’t know man, this seems like an issue you need to figure or just call it quits.
It looks like her love language is quality time. That’s how she feels loved – time together. Maybe you aren’t the same but realistically no two people want the exact same thing at the exact same quantity. This is something you guys could work out and come to an agreement on. Do you see you guys living together in the future. Is there any potential for less commute for you later? What I mean is things may not always be this hard if you’re looking at long term solutions.
Sounds like her love language is quality time and you don’t have the time or the will to meet her standards.
Step it up or pull out.
who knows… but for me she expecting to live with you by that time… but maybe I’m wrong and she simply doesn’t respect your personal boundaries, and don’t give a sh*t about your time and expect that you will spend every free minute on her…
So first thing to note here for me is the age gap. She’s 21 and you’re 26. Ask yourself: “how much of her day is filled by work and other commitments?”
I had a similar issue when dating someone with a similar age gap because I had a lot going on, and the just had school and friends so they had more time; as a result they felt like I was “always busy” and “never around”. Its a balancing act. Make sure that you find time you can guarantee her and create rituals around that time. It can be as simple as takeout from her favorite chain and she meets you at your place at 7pm and you pick it up on the way home.
Second is what I see written here already, that people have different needs and ideas of quality time. For me, it’s literally anything with them there. Other want screens down, one-on-one with out friends, no discussion about work quality time.
This is honestly the key to long term happiness. You need to negotiate this. The majority of time needs to be where your need overlap, with some healthy concessions from both of you to accommodate each other’s needs.
I think you both need to discuss your individual needs with these things in mind so she feels cared for and you aren’t stressed. Hope that helps. Good luck!
I had this problem in my last relationship as well. Around the time I got dumped I had gotten overtime which changed a 40 hour work week to a 50 hour work week. Weekends were always good for me unless I was going to an anime convention or other big event. He couldn’t go to my house often because at that time it was being renovated. I was just tired but always tried to do things with him from my house like call or play online video games with him.
He didn’t work because he was finishing school but he didn’t really even seem that busy with it. He often bragged that the classes were so easy that most classes he could skip except in exam days. Not that he didn’t struggle, there was a language class he wasn’t great at and he always struggled in science but since he acted like it was no big deal I felt like he couldn’t understand how demanding my work was.
I got dumped for being “at a different stage of life from him” but in an argument we had before the breakup he called me childish so whatever.
But I do agree lifestyles can affect relationships but wow you are putting in way more effort to see her. Can you have a serious discussion about meeting halfway? Is there anything y’all can do from your homes to be closer? I know it didn’t work out for my last relationship but at least with friendships we enjoyed do things we loved together even if we couldn’t meet up in person. It just depends on the person ig
I’m a nurse, so typical schedule is three 12 hr days per week. From my experience, seems like she could meet at your place when you get home from work on her days off? That would be nice.
Time together is important to me and my husband. We lived in different cities an hour away and could only meet up at most once per week. We would often get together online in discord and play games in the evening. We got married after 10 months of dating because we’re older, and we 100% knew what we wanted. Here we are 8 yrs later, and we are still each other’s favorite people. It should come naturally, don’t settle for less.
2 years together is a decent amount of time, albeit she is 21 so pretty young. There is no “norm” for how often couples see each other. I think it’s totally dependent and unique to each relationship. With that being said, I moved in with my partner after 2 years (been together 4 years total now), and I could say I’d probably want to see my partner more then 2-3 times a week, but that includes sleepovers where we maybe hangout for like 45 minutes before passing out. For us, it was like “welp, we’d literally save money if we just lived together as opposed to each renting our own apartments.” I know you both live with your parents, so it’s a bit different. Is there a reason you haven’t pulled the trigger and had talks of moving in together? This would resolve the problem. I’m insanely busy, and living with someone makes it so much easier to have a busy lifestyle and managing a long-term relationship. Is she okay with a late night hangout where y’all chat for 30ish minutes, put on a show (where you probably fall asleep since you have to be up early) and have a sleepover? This saved my relationship, as for 3/4 years I’ve been working close to 60 hour work weeks. I see both sides to this. It’s also important to consider: after your hangouts, are you drained or filled with energy? I find that when me and my partner were dating (before we lived together), I always left filled with energy, which made me want to spend as much time as possible, so long as I could keep my own social life and habits. Hence, late night hangouts (30-45 min tops, then sleep). My partner’s work started a lot earlier than mine, so we always had breakfast together (usually me making the breakfast while parter got ready for the day). I think you can find the best of both worlds, but it’ll be a compromise. Meaning, you both may not get “exactly” what you want, but you’re both satisfied and happy with the conclusion.
Edit: reply extended after reading OPs responses to other posts
Is there a reason a 20 yr old living with parents does not have a full time job and a CAR? Because the minute you’ve finally busted enough hump alone in order to get your own place, rest assured this 20 hr.a week girl (who’s too unmotivated to get a full time job or car) is going to want to move in with you and have you doing ALL the adult stuff for her!
Your not terrible other people have relationships like this where 1 partner wants more space and the other wants more attention it’s normal.
The question is how do you deal with it.
Why does she only work 20 hours a week? Is she in school, technical or otherwise, to get skills so she can work full time? You mentioned she gets bored during the time she isn’t working. Does she have friends or hobbies besides you? This relationship is not equal on a few counts, despite you both still living at home. If it were me, I’d be communicating better with her to get her to see your day-to-day life perspective (7-7, other friends, etc.). Good luck!
So…
1. You work
2. Your parents are super strict. So even if she could manage to get to your parents house, she will not be allowed to see you.
3. You work FT
4. She works PT.
5. YOU DO ALL THE ACQUIESCENCE. And all she can do is sit home waiting for you.
6. You do all the traveling to see her. 3x times a week
7. She complains 3x a week is not enough.
8. YOU WORK ALOT AND THERE ARE SOME DAYS YOU WANT TO STAY AT HOME AND REST.
☆☆☆BASICALLY, YOU HAVE A LONG DISTANT RELATIONSHIP. ☆☆☆
This is what it is. And the sad part is that she is not allowed under your parents roof??? WHY???? YOU ARE AN ADULT. Why can’t she come over watch a movie eat dinner and leave, atleast 1x a week??? What does your parents have against her??? Because the word strict doesn’t describe you parents, THEY ARE CONTROLLING YOU and because you live with them, AS AN ADULT, THEY ARE STILL TREATING YOU AS IF YOU WERE 12 YEARS OLD. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. Normally when adult boys have gf, THE PARENTS TRY TO FOSTER A DECENT AND RESPECTABLE RELATIONSHIP WITH HER!!! This means inviting her over for dinner. Making her feel welcomed. TREAT HER LIKE A DAUGHTER IN LAW. WTF IS GOING ON WITH YOUR PARENTS HERE????
Yes, you DO ALL THE TRAVELING BUT YOUR PARENTS ARE AT FAULT HERE!!! Your parents can still set boundaries: no sex, and she must leave by 9pm because by 10pm we go to sleep because we work the following day.
If your gf comes by on Satudays, afternoon (5pm for example) you can spend the day making dinner for her and your parents. You as a family can watch a movie. AGAIN BONDING WITH YOUR FAMILY, and this is wonderful because THEY LOVE HER, RESPECT HER, AND YOUR GF IN TURN LOVES THEM TOO AND IT MAKES THE RELATIONSHIP not just stronger but beautiful.
The way your parents are….THERE IS NO CHANCE YOU WILL FIND A WOMAN WHO WANTS TO PUT UP WITH YOU BECAUSE YOUR PARENTS MADE IT CLEAR THEY WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH HER.
This is not just an issue between your gf and you….YOUR PARENTS ARE ALSO PART OF THE PROBLEM AND THIS IS NOT BEING ADDRESSED AT ALL.
I don’t know if you live in a safe country, but a woman traveling by herself to see you can be dangerous. And if she can’t travel because of that….I can’t blame her.
Your parents need to be flexible here and allow her to see you at their home. BECAUSE IM BETTING YOUR PARENTS DONT WANT YOU TO BE MARRIED. THEY WANT YOU SINGLE SO YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF THEM FOREVER. OR……depending on your culture, maybe they want to arrange your marriage and they don’t like the fact YOU ARE CONTROLLING WHO YOU ARE SEEING.
Get a place together or break up.
Not sure if this is possible, but on evenings where you are seeing your GF, is it possible for you to go straight from work to her house and have dinner with her? How do you get along with her parents? Is staying the night at hers and then going to work straight from there an option?
I speak from experience: when my wife and I first got together (back in 1999), we lived about 45 miles apart, and although she could drive, she couldn’t afford to run a car as she was still at Uni. So we only used to see each other once during the week, and then at the weekend. I at the time lived with my parents, and worked about 45 miles away (in the other direction).
However, my parents were more than happy for her to come over, even to stay overnight.
You’re 26 OP, your parents need to deal with the fact you’re an adult, or you need to move out. I know renting isn’t the long term ideal, but it might be a quicker way for you to start living as an independent adult