One doesn’t always get out what they put in. Pretty much all my friendships are one-sided. I know why: it’s either my friends are neck deep in law school textbooks, like other friends more, or prefer company with themselves. I get that.
But it’s been difficult for me to step back. I keep thinking, “maybe these friends will change their minds one day and balance this scale.” “Oh, they’re worth it even if they don’t do anything.” I’ve talked to them about it, but they won’t budge. I justify all that I do, even if it’s toxic to me, so that I don’t feel being left with only surface-deep relationships.
What is your advice on stepping back? Should I block my friends for a while? Must I ditch the whole concept of seeking relationships as it seems to bring more bad than good? All the good times we had keep looping in my brain, so it’s difficult to step back. I keep getting tempted to text some that I’ve intentionally not talked to (and, in turn, who haven’t talked to me) for a year. If anybody has similar experiences or advice to give, please feel free!
3 comments
If you approach all your relationships so transactionally then you will always feel this way. You are the common denominator in all these situations – try approaching things differently and stop keeping score.
I think you’ll reap more pleasure and possibly fruitful and fun friendships if you just do things that you enjoy, and get to know others in doing so. Whether it’s playing at dog park with the pooch, hiking og gym bro, gaming or DnD or discussion boards on local politics – focus on yourself and your own interests and be nice and have fun with others in the process.
It’s hard af tho. I’m 39 and outside of studies or work or online gaming communities, I have met *one* new IRL friend. I made lots of good friends from work and from going back for a second degree at uni, but meeting another woman that I had tons in common with and had fun with just us two, that hasn’t happened since like… Playpark-age. It was rare and I love that I was open to it and ended up with a BFF. If we hadn’t both had two kids, moved a little further apart and full schedules, we would be joined at the hip, I think.
So unless I misunderstand your meaning of deeper friendships (I’m thinking close friend, someone to call when shit is shittiest and who can end up being best man at your wedding), I think school, work, hobbies or friends of friends are the way to go – to find someone you’ve enough in common with to kick it off.
Oh and no, don’t block your friends. Unless they did a specific thing to end the friendship, friends are there some more than others and sometimes more and sometimes less. And we all play different parts in friendships. Some are the ones that hosts, some are the ones that needs dragging to come along. Some are the ones to often send updates and some forget to reply to messages for a week. You can decide to cool off a bit and let them come to you if you’re hurt, but blocking them… No, don’t do that.