We have been together for several weeks. Every time we try to have sex, he goes near my vagina and completely loses his erection in 2 seconds. We only had penetrative sex once, it lasted for a few seconds until he lost his election and it came out of me.
He has no issue getting and maintaining an erection. He can cum by handjob and blowjob completely fine.
Last time, I was on my period so PIV was off the table anyway. I hoped if the erection issues were due to anxiety, then this would be an opportunity to relax a little knowing I wasn’t expecting PIV. He suggested he rub his penis on my vulva. His erection lasted about a minute until he completely lost it. He backed off, I touched it with my hand, he got an erection again and was able to maintain it.
I also want to have children in the future and I’m worried this won’t be able to happen with him.
Can anyone advise what is happening? I really want to have sex with my boyfriend. I find PIV the most pleasurable and for me, it’s something that helps me feel bonded and secure. I assume it’s not a medical issue as his erection is fine most of the time. I’ve tried to help his nerves by doing things that make us more comfortable, I always compliment him, I tell him how sexy he is. He doesn’t seem nervous. What can I do?
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This still sounds like anxiety have you asked him what he is thinking about right before he puts it in your vagina? Have you ever had PIV sex with him? Has he ever had PIV sex in general?
this happened to me with a guy my first year of college, and honestly I never fully understood why. my friends all thought he was gay. i can def see why they thought that, but that isn’t always the case.
for some guys, porn addiction can do this. I used to have a friend who told me he couldn’t lose his virginity even though he tried, because the same thing happened to him. turned out it was his porn addiction. it took time and therapy, but he was able to do eventually do it.
the guy from college, I never really found out bc he ended up dumping me by blocking me on everything, and when I tried to get closure, he just acted so immature about it. it messed with my self esteem badly, bc I thought there was something wrong with me & he later up being with a girl extremely opposite looking than me, so I guess maybe he just wasn’t attracted to me and embarrassed about it, I dunno. it was just a very odd situation so i’m NOT saying this is it with you, pls don’t take it that way!! just sharing what happened to me. plus, i’m completely sure he’s attracted to you if he can get it up at all. this dude couldn’t even get it up period. so it’s probably something very different.
i also dated an alcoholic for a while, and he had issues with keeping his erection, does he drink a lot? or maybe is he on antidepressants? when my husband first started zoloft, we couldn’t have sex for a good while.
now i’m not saying any of these reasons are the reasons he can’t get it up, but i’m saying there’s a lot of reasons why it could be. could be lots of things factoring in. I would just be patient and supportive as you can, bc i’m sure he’s embarrassed and feels bad ab it. and i’m not sure if you have already talked to him but maybe you could come up with ideas to help, but definitely recommend that too. has he ever had sex before? even tho he doesn’t seem nervous, it really could just be his nerves and he’s hiding it well. maybe even support him to try to talk to a therapist about it. and you definitely confide in people too if you need to, as i know it can be frustrating. ik it’s hard, but don’t let it mess with your self esteem. bc it’s not your fault.
best of luck to both of you, and I really hope it works out <3
Theres multiple reasons for losing an erection but you would have to ask him why. Has he had sex before? Was this a problem in previous relationships? Even if he doesn’t know for sure, his guess as to why it happens would be better than anyone else’s.
I think he is nervous and afraid of something.
This is pretty clearly anxiety causing him to lose his erection. As you said, he can maintain an erection through other sex acts, so this isn’t a physical medical problem.
Unfortunately, boners are fickle beings. He has to believe in his boner for it to happen. Unfortunately, your first time he lost his erection and now every time you approach penetrative sex, he starts worrying that he will lose it… so he does. The fact that he doesn’t seem nervous doesn’t mean that he isn’t in his head thinking himself out of an erection.
There isn’t a magic cure for this. It might be time to talk about it, although *he* needs to be willing to talk about it. A lot of times, just acknowledging the issue and reassuring him that it’s not a big deal will help him with his nerves. The second part of that is treating it like it’s ok in the moment. It sounds like you already are, but just in case: don’t sigh or give a sad look when it happens. Instead just go to another activity you both enjoy. If he is concerned that he isn’t giving you pleasure, let him pleasure you other ways. (Edit: focusing on his dick and getting it hard again can be counterproductive; it can reinforce to him that he has to have a hard dick for you to have good sex. Showing him that he can please you in other ways will distress things from that angle.)
Once it works a time or two, he’ll start believing in his dick and it’ll stop happening as much (or at all).
Other things: some people do well with a *bit* of marijuana (if that’s legal in your state). He could also get a cock ring, which helps maintain an erection and makes an errction harder – it won’t *prevent* going limp, but it will help him maintain an erection a bit longer. And the placebo effect is real – if he believes it’s working, it will work. Plus, they’re fun.
Try a cock ring that might help
Most likely it’s an anxiety issue. For some dudes it’s really hard to break the anxiety circle when this happens. He’s relaxed until the penetration, and then just keeps thinking/worrying about it. Try to talk to him…
Performance anxiety. It’s a killer condition.
Are condoms involved?
A lot of men have trouble maintaining an erection while putting on a condom.