TLDR; My boyfriend wont get a job, I am moving out soon/he wants to move in with me and I wont let him as he will leech off my income. This is ruining our relationship due to his laziness.
I, F(19) have been with my boyfriend M(21) for just under a year, 11 months or so.
I finished college with great qualifications (I live in England for context) as I have always been a hard worker and knew what I wanted out of life from a young age. I am now in the police and adore my career, its what I’ve always wanted.
My boyfriend is an entirely different kettle of fish. He has 0 GCSEs, no college qualifications and has only managed to hold down one job his entire life (for 8 months) and left because he didn’t get on with his boss, I wasn’t with him at the time of this job. Since then, he has gotten no job offers and turned down the ONE job offer he got because “he didn’t like the sound of it.”
I have cut him so much slack with this job situation. He was raised in an awful household, he was consistently moved from house to house depending on what boyfriend his alcoholic mother had at the time, these boyfriends commonly abused my boyfriend and his mother. I assumed this would’ve jeopardized any education around 12-16 years of age. However- no job in almost 1 year? He now lives with his grandmother, claims universal credit and spends it all on tattoos or cigarettes, turns down anything the jobcentre offers him; and at the cost of sounding cruel, he lives in a pigsty. Last time I visited his house I ended up covered in bed bug bites, had to bath in dead flies (there was rotten food in the bathroom bin) and the kitchen was full of mouldy, dirty cups and plates. **He “cannot be bothered to clean mess” even though he does NOTHING all day but sit at his PC and play videogames.**
I have offered to help him get into therapy but he insists he doesn’t have a poor mental state, I wrote his CV, I referred him to some of my family members as some of them own businesses, I suggested attending college again and wrote a personal statement for him to send to local colleges. I have tried EVERYTHING and to no avail.
I am moving out very soon as I have found a lovely rented property in my area, but I can’t let my boyfriend live with me because I am too scared he will not find a sustainable job and will eventually lean on my income.
My family do not like him anymore. I come from a fairly well off background and they just view him as a lazy mess who wont pull his weight as an adult. However I do love this man. He almost worships the ground I walk on and he is amazing to be around, but at this point his affection is not enough to keep me in the loop.
I am so lost on this and I am starting to think he is almost convinced he will never work in his life. I don’t know what to do.
18 comments
Sounds like you already you know what to do, but just need to hear it from someone else. LEAVE HIM. Don’t already start having dependents right when you’re starting your life.
> I am moving out very soon as I have found a lovely rented property in my area, but I can’t let my boyfriend live with me because I am too scared he will not find a sustainable job and will eventually lean on my income.
He’s a big boy. He can figure things out. Right now he is just looking to you to continue his lifestyle.
> My family do not like him anymore. I come from a fairly well off background and they just view him as a lazy mess who wont pull his weight as an adult. However I do love this man. He almost worships the ground I walk on and he is amazing to be around, but at this point his affection is not enough to keep me in the loop.
They are right 100%. He hasn’t been pulling his weight and I don’t see it happening anytime soon. Affection stops meaning much if you have to start supporting him financially. You’re only 19.
You are *way* too nice to this boy – you should have ended this relationship a while ago. He’s full of red flags and qualities that are clear deal breakers to most people.
I’m having a difficult time understanding why a capable, smart woman with a solid career would choose to stay with a grown man who refuses to work and doesn’t even care if he’s living in filth.
I don’t like him either.
>they just view him as a lazy mess who wont pull his weight as an adult.
Yes. This is true.
>affection is not enough to keep me in the loop.
This is also true.
>I don’t know what to do.
Leave leave leave leave leave.
Why the fuck are you wasting your time with some loser who wants you to pay his bills and mommy him?
You’re 19, not dumb. Leave him and move on with your life until you find a man worth your while.
This is not the last person in your life you will “Love”.
Does he worship YOU or the fact you are the only one cutting him slacks all the time and spoiling him like a big mommy?
Yeah when he told you his mental state was fine he lied. There’s some underlying problem he needs to deal with. However, if he doesn’t want to get help or make an effort to improve his mental and physical situation, then he likely won’t. When it comes to self improvement, they have to want it themselves or it will never work. It might be best for you to move on because it isn’t your responsibility.
You’re too young to waste your time and life on an incapable man child. Move on.
You can’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Bf is not willing to change. Don’t waste your time waiting for him to magically change. You know what you need to do.
What does he do for you, exactly? Honestly trying to figure this one out.
What are you doing with this lazy , dirty , aimless loser? You need to see your own worth and do better. Dump him.
Sooooo. What exactly does he bring to the table ? He’s nice ? Cool ok well bring nice is gonna pay the bills for exactly 0 days.
He lacks ambition, drive, and most of all ACCOUNTABILITY!!!!!!
It’s one thing for be 21 and not know exactly what you want to do in life. It is a completely separate thing to stomp out or decline the opportunities you’re given in favor of doing absolutely nothing.
You’re wasting your time here. Of course he worships the ground you walk on, you let him be as lazy as he wants and stick around! You literally don’t need this at all. Being single would be better then parenting and providing for someone who just can’t be bothered to do so themselves.
If you don’t want your house to look like his, do not let him move in. Unless you are prepared fo clean up after him, there will be bugs there too. He could bring bed bugs in on his clothes because they are almost impossible to get rid of. And flies and maggots, absolutely not. You have done everything for him to help him change and he doesn’t care. He may have all the qualities of an amazing boyfriend, but not the realities. You can’t love him for what he can be, you have to accept him for what he is now. Sadly, he is a mess and your life will be too unless you realize it.
Do NOT let him move in or even stay over night!! HE WILL NOT LEAVE!!
You may love him, but love isn’t enough for the long haul.
This is a grown man without a job, no skills and ZERO ambition. He can not take care of himself or just doesn’t care to.
You said in the comments that you now see that you have to end it with him. Please be prepared for his different reactions – pretty much all of them will be a form of manipulation
* He’ll promise to change (he will not)
* he may go on about how you are the love of his life
* he’ll get angry and freak out, calling you names
* then there are the threats of self harm
Do not fall for any of them!! Stay strong and don’t fall for his BS!
You are clearly a confident, self sufficient women. Don’t let this joker bring you down.
Break up, before he moves in with you!!
You tried to help him; he has done nothing to help himself.
You are young. I am begging you not to tie yourself to this man! He will hold you back!
>However I do love this man.
Why? Why do you love this man baby? Your post lists no redeeming qualities other than he worships the ground you walk on. The rest of him is disgusting. Truly disgusting.
Get some therapy and get out of this co-dependent mess.
You want a partner, not a dependent. Tell him he will not move in with you until he learns how to adult. That means getting and keeping a job as well as keeping a clean living space. Since that will likely never happen, you may as well pull the plug.
How do guys who can’t clean and live in places full of dead flies and bed bugs among other hygiene issues and do nothing but sit around all day get girlfriends.
I don’t get it