My (23F) boyfriend (27M) has a lot of female friends and a very flirty female friendship and I’m not quite sure how to address it or handle it as I have past insecurities.

42 comments

1. Is he the only man on earth? Date someone who doesn’t make you feel insecure.

2. I’m much older than you, so I can tell you now life is too short for dudes like your boyfriend. You’re 23, you have so many options! Don’t stay with someone who calls his female friend ‘wifey’ and pretty and hugs and cuddles. No. This is not you having issues, this is him stomping all over boundaries.

   You are worth more than that. Dump him. Just send a text that it’s not working out. It’s not worth the drama to tell him why because then he’ll try to argue that it is in your head. The reality is that he doing something that is a relationship ender. He is not being respectful of you and the relationship, get your ass out of there and start dating someone better.

3. >I am actively in therapy for PTSD

   And you’re tolerating a relationship that prompts your trauma responses?

   Why?

4. Attention one gets from flirting is addictive and he will never be able to stop unless he sees this as a problem himself.

   Always talk to him but give him form ultimatum. You do not need any research to back you up if you are uncomfortable with something.

   Having said that, some old friendship are really precious and you have to judge that for yourself. If he is flirting with any and every girl then there is no way forward. If just few old friends, guess you guys might be able to get somewhere

5. My opinion is that its inappropriate, some will disagree but personally after being with several guys like this in the past I would not date guys who have close female friends anymore. I would leave

6. It’s not controlling to tell him that you’re uncomfortable with him blatantly flirting with another woman. That is a common boundary in relationships. If that’s something he is attached to as part of his female friendships, he needs to find a woman who is comfortable with it. You’re not, so express that to him and give him an opportunity to modify it. If he refuses, you two may not be compatible.

   For the record, I’m NOT a jealous person and have never been cheated on but I wouldn’t be cool with the “wifey” nickname either, that’s totally unnecessary. My boyfriend’s best friend is a woman and I have no issue with anything in their friendship because it’s very obviously platonic. Your boyfriend is flirting with that line and even without trust issues a lot of people would not be comfortable with what you’re describing.

7. I am a female with several very close male friends. They don’t call me wifey or comment on my looks. We don’t “hug up on each other” or get touchy. The relationships are purely platonic and very clearly so.

   To me, his behavior is a little gross.

8. What does your therapist suggest?

9. Both me and my boyfriend are flirty people. However, if one does something that makes the other uncomfortable, we let the other know we are uncomfortable with it.

   Having bounderies is not being controlling. Controlling would be telling him he can’t be friends with them. Saying something like “Sometimes you can be a little too flirty and it upsets me, could you just tone it down a bit when around me” is not controlling. It is stating how you feel.

   I can almost guarantee he doesnt even realize he is doing it, and once brought to his attention, he may realize it.

10. he’s downright disrespecting you.
    It may be hard but cut your losses

11. i would never dream of calling a man other than my boyfriend “hubby”, half because wifey and hubby are stupid nicknames and half because thats just so blatantly disrespectful. i feel you may be doubting yourself because of your past trauma, and i also feel that your boyfriend is taking advantage of that.

12. DONT DATE UNTIL YOU HAVE HEALED FROM YOUR TRAUMAS. OTHERWISE YOU WILL ATTRACT THE WRONG PARTNERS.

    I SAY WALK OUT. WORK ON YOURSELF 1ST.

13. At 23 I feel like it’s easy to think that just because a guy isn’t an AH means he’s caring. Openly flirting like this is a huge red flag. I’ve dealt with this before, when I was young like you. My ex openly flirted with a friend. *But they were just friends!* The second we broke it off (because he seemed flaky about us) he made out with her at a friend’s party in the bathroom. Like the day after. These dudes keep girls on the back burner “just in case”. I guarantee he’s leading his friend on and she thinks y’all won’t last. This dude sucks.

14. You don’t fix this. You move on and date someone who doesn’t treat his friends like romantic partners while he pretends to be in a monogamous relationship.

    The 23-27 age gap is a red flag, too. Until you’ve gone over the mid-twenties hump, you should avoid age gap relationships, as the elder party is typically either immature or abusive, or both.

15. >He has a friend who he is very flirty with. He has called her “wifey”, called her pretty, and so on. Very touchy and hugged up on

    This would bother most partners. Your bf can control how others treat him (and you). He is being disrespectful towards you. If you don’t like this treatment, dump him. It’s not a matter of bringing it up to him. He should already know it’s not appropriate behavior to flirt when you have a gf. The fact that he’s okay doing it and shoving it in your face, shows his lack of character.

16. > He has called her “wifey”

    Friend, life is too short for this level of bs. You deserve better.

17. I’d question everything about my husband if he were calling another woman wifey, let them hug up on him, etc. Bring it up to him, address it immediately before it goes on too long. If he’s defensive over it, that’s all you need to know.

18. Come up to them while they are doing their overly intimate stuff together. Be kind and say. This kind of stuff makes me uncomfortable. Please tone it down. Very simple. I am sure this will spur further conversation with your partner. Explain what’s okay and what is not .

19. He’s not taking this seriously at all. Time to cut him loose.

20. It’s time to have a sit down about what makes you uncomfortable in a relationship. At the end of the day, you are entitled to have expectations for a partner, if he can’t meet those expectations, you are simply incompatible and should go your separate ways.

    I recommend trying the WIN Method for boundary setting:

    (Note: The structure is always When/It/Next. There’s always the one person who complains about this and thinks “I” is better, I disagree and that’s not the format of this method. Do what works for you and keep scrolling.)

    [W]hen you…(insert problematic behavior)

    [I]t made me feel…(insert how it made you feel with full transparency)

    [N]ext time, please (insert desired outcome and lay your boundaries down)

    After this, it’s about enforcing your boundaries.

21. The “wifey” stuff is a major red flag and gross tbh.

    as far as his other friends, how do you get along with them?

22. You’re uncomfortable for good reason. Female friends can be triggering if you have pre-existing insecurities (which you are working on, which is awesome!) but yes, flirting is not okay. Your boyfriend shouldn’t be touchy, calling women pet names, etc.

    Try to vocalize this boundary with him and see where that goes. Honestly, it should already be common sense for him to not do that while in a relationship

23. I could go back and find a thousand posts of young women blaming their past insecurities as a reason they are unsettled with their shitty boyfriends behaviour. This dude sucks.

24. Ok, I’m seeing a lot of responses here that jump straight to advising leaving him, and making a lot of assumptions about his character and behavior from the very little information we have here. I think those comments are probably coming from a place of experience with similar pain, and concern for you.

    I don’t, however, know anything about your boyfriend other than what you’ve described in the post, and while this behavior is concerning, it doesn’t seem like it is immediately a relationship ending scenario. That depends entirely, however, on your boyfriend’s response when you do bring up this issue.

    Which happens to be my advice, you absolutely have to bring this up. Please keep in mind that being uncomfortable with his interactions with a specific friend is not the same as trying to put restrictions on who he can be friends with. Especially since you have had issues with a cheater in the past. You need to address this with him openly, tell him that you are uncomfortable with his flirting, give examples of what kinds of things make you uncomfortable, and ask that he refrain from doing those things in the future. Make it clear that his friendships with women isn’t the issue, it is his overly intimate interactions in this specific friendship.

    How he responds to this is incredibly important. If he is open to hearing you out, and works to help you feel more comfortable, then this is something you two can get through together. You will have to communicate often about your feelings to work toward a good system, but there’s no reason to take drastic measures like breaking off the relationship.

    If he gets defensive about the relationship with this girl, then you’re in for a bumpier road, and you should look at ending the relationship as an option. It’s possible to work through that, but it may be healthier to end the relationship and focus on your own healing.

    Lastly, if he somehow makes this your fault, or blames your past trauma without reflecting on his own actions, cut him off and leave. Those are major red flags for abuse, manipulation, and gaslighting tactics. Immediately get yourself out of that situation, end the relationship, and move on with your life, he isn’t worth the energy or the attention.

    TL;DR
    Talk to him about it, openly and frankly. If he is willing to work with you on it, that could very well salvage your relationship, but if he gaslights you or refuses to budge, leave quickly and never look back.

25. Tell him to respect you as a girlfriend and immediately stop this weird disrespectful behavior. Like wth

    Most likely you should break up. I find things like this jjst plain show the respect levels in a person. He has none. There is a chance he can be taught what is acceptable.. but most likely he already does know and doesn’t care. That’s nor workable if that’s the case.

26. Maybe it doesn’t hurt to re-analyze what you want in a partner. If you need to question your relationship or have the need to investigate, is all that even worth your time and energy? Find someone that makes you feels secure. Somone you don’t have to ask questions because there’s mutual respect and trust.

27. My bf has more female than male friends, and is a generally very kind person who often comes off as flirty. He has never called anyone wifey but me, and especially if you’ve already set that boundary, that’s not okay.

28. I guess he could obfuscate it by saying that it means nothing.

    But does he do it with all his girl friends that have boyfriends?

    Or does he only do it with just the single ones?

    If it is the latter, then he knows. He cares about the boyfriends feelings but just doesn’t care about your feelings.

29. As a man, I would never call another woman wifey in front of my girlfriend. I would not be surprised if hes cheating tbh

    Leave before you become even more attached if that bothers you, which it should.

30. There are basically two possibilities here, and my answer for both of them is “dump this guy.”

    Possibility 1: this guy has the emotional intelligence of a turnip. He doesn’t realize that calling another woman his “wifey” in front of his girlfriend is inappropriate. He does not have the skills that he needs to be a good boyfriend.

    Possibility 2: this guy kinda likes being at the center of this drama, he gets a rush out of flirting with people and possibly a rush out of doing it in front of you. He is kind of a creep, and you should dump him.

    The fact that he’s making fun of you for looking this stuff up makes me think this is at least somewhat purposeful on his side.

31. I see a few red flags. Making fun of you trying to get unbiased information, not caring that his flirtatious actions are making you uncomfortable. You are young once. Don’t settle. Find a man who would walk through fire for you. Calling another person “wifey”, kidding or not is just not funny. It’s odd and telling. I would tell him “you don’t respect me and this is a problem “. Period. That’s it. The only person you can control is you. Watch Dr. Phil. He’s famous for saying you “can’t make sense out of nonsense.” Your boyfriend’s shenanigans are ridiculous. Leave and find a better match.

32. He’s probably f’ing them, you’ll free yourself from the worry dropping him and this is coming from a man. I’m honest with the girls I’m seeing and let them know I’m seeing other girls. This guy isn’t

33. i’m not someone that goes around telling everyone to break up cause sometimes things can be worked on but there’s certain things that you simply don’t do when you’re in a relationship. that includes being flirty and touchy with friends. you shouldn’t have to ask your partner not to do that💀 and if they do that shit it’s a pretty good reason to leave them

34. Girl why are ya with this clown who calls other women wifey and makes fun of you for doing research cuz it’s “not reputable” like what the heck

35. Well if He’s 27 and doesn’t realize he shouldn’t be calling another girl wifey while he has a girlfriend then he has bigger issues and is clearly too immature for a relationship.

36. I’m fairly certain that they are doing much more than flirting when you aren’t around. My wife would kill me if I did anything remotely that stupid.

37. I dont think calling other women that aren’t ur gf “wifey” is a subtle red flag, its a huge obvious one. If a man did that while dating me, he would be single the next day. Please have some respect for yourself and leave people who dont treat you right. Being single is the best way to focus on healing from trauma.

38. OP I’m 21 and I’ve been involved with a person like that in the past . Believe me it’s not who’s wrong to feel jealous. It’s common sense to not call anyone else ‘wifey’ when you’re in a relationship. After some time you’ll start not liking the person you’ve become. The whole jealousy and being paranoid that he’s out there flirting within god knows how many women. It’s not worth it. Be with someone who makes you feel safe, secure and happy. This guy isn’t the last guy on earth.
    Believe in reality rather than the potential.

39. >He has called her “wifey”, called her pretty, and so on. Very touchy and hugged up on.

    This would cross a lot of boundaries for most people. If he knows this kind of stuff bothers you, but disregards your feelings and does it anyway, you don’t have to date him. There are many men who wouldn’t do this sort of a thing to you.

    Your BF is the type of a person who likes to keep his options open, but has a secure thing so he doesn’t be alone. Because that’s akin to death to him – being alone.

40. I’m a dude. My best friend is a girl. I would never call her “wifey” or get “touchy feely” unless I haven’t seen her in a long time, when we hug each other platonically.

    If she treated her as a younger/older sister that’s one thing, but to nickname her “wifey” is crossing so many lines.

41. Even the most confident person woman in the world would be shaken by this.

    You know damn well that your boyfriend would flip if you called one of your guy friends “hubby” and was all over him physically in front of your boyfriend. It is literally the bare minimum not to disrespect a partner and to not treat your friends with romantic partners while you’re in an actual relationship.

    My boyfriend is from the south (America) so him calling other women hun, hunny or sweetheart doesn’t bother me because that’s just the way he talks. His whole family talks like that. However, he uses those names very sparingly and makes it very clear that he is my partner to avoid miscommunication. He calls me those names too along with some personal romantic pet names to make me feel extra special. He knows better than to call another woman a purely romantic nickname. If he’s greeting female friends, he gives them a quick hug and immediately goes back to my side and holds my hand. He has never been all over them like your boyfriend is with his female friends.

42. Address it now. As someone who thought like you and got cheated on after an 8 year relationship. Tell him it’s inappropriate for him to open himself up on a deep emotional level to people of the same sex other than you. I may seem like an asshole, but that’s how a relationship works.