I’m sorry if you have trouble understanding my english, it’s not my first language 🙂
My parents are divorced and I live with me mother (47F), I have a disabled brother (20M, he has butterfly skin/ Epidermolysis bullosa), and a sister (16F). All of us live in a house thats under my dad’s (50M) name (he does not live with us though) the bills between my mom and dad are split, my dad pays 50% and my mom pays the rest.
My parents divorced when I was 3-4 years old, and since that time I have not seen him until I was 11 years old, he then came back in my life like nothing has ever happened, he expected me and my sister, to immediately act like he has never left us, such as to hug and kiss him, go out together, go over to his house (He is married to another woman now and he has a baby with her), my sister and I were not comfortable with it, but he kept on saying that were his father, and that we cant feel uncomfortable around him despite him being gone for so long.
couple years later, our relationship with our dad started to get worse fast, we would not see him often, but we would see him every couple of months, he would invite us to go and visit some of his family(which we barely know), and every time we visit, he would humiliate my and my sister in front of everyone, and all they would do is laugh (his family also treats us badly) in many occasions my sister and I would start crying from the embarrassment and the humiliation, and he would tell us that its a ‘joke’, his ‘jokes’ are making fun of the way we look(saying we look like monkeys, our noses look ugly, and that we’re getting uglier), we go back home many times crying, and my mom would not defend us because she if afraid of offending him since we borrow extra money sometimes for our brothers medicine.
My dad wants my sister and I to become doctors, and that’s not what we want, I want to be an architect, and my sister wants to be an animator. My sister and I have expressed multiple times that we are not interested in becoming doctors, but every time we say that he gets angry, and says that he wont pay for college if we don’t become doctors(he wants us to become doctors because he says its for our future, and that we wont regret it) my sister is already studying to become a doctor (we go to IB school) because she doesn’t want to disappoint my dad, I still have about a year to decide what classes I want to take, and I am planning on going with physics and DT (with a couple of more classes) but he doesn’t know that yet.
Despite my dad being a lawyer, he never pays the child support on time, I previously mentioned that my brother has butterfly skin, so whenever he my dad does not pay the child support, we aren’t able to buy him medicine, therefore he starts to feel worse, and experience more pain, and we have told him that many times, my mom never involves another lawyer because as I previously mentioned, he sometimes gives us extra money for my brothers medicine, and school.
My mom usually never calls him whenever he hasn’t paid child support, my brother and I usually do, because we are usually more convincing, many times he says he will pay the child support soon, he usually never does(My dad lies a lot)
I have tried several times to have a calm, mature talk with my dad about all of what I have mentioned, especially about me and my sisters dream career, but my dad would get really angry at us and would go against everything we say, and would refuse to talk any further, if we’re talking to him on the phone, then he would just hang up.
Many times my sister and I are getting forced to do things that we don’t feel comfortable doing, just so he would continue paying child support.
I don’t know how I can fix this or if I can, I don’t know what to do. Any advice?
(Once again, I’m sorry for my bad English, and I’m so sorry if this information is all over the place 🙂 )
**TL;DR** : I want to fix my(15F) relationship with my dad(50M), but he wont cooperate, ends up insulting my sister(16F) and I. won’t pay child support on time, won’t let my sister and I pursue our dream careers, wants us to become doctors. forces my sister and I to do things we’re uncomfortable with, threatens to not pay child support if we don’t obey, cant cut him off because mom is struggling with money, sometimes he gives us extra money for my brothers(20M) medicine
3 comments
You can’t fix someone as broken as him. Check out r/raisedbynarcissists, and look up the “gray rock technique” as a way of putting him off about what you’re studying in school.
You can’t fix this. When a relationship needs work, both people who are part of it need to put in the effort. Your father is not interested in that from what you describe. He has expectations, he punishes your mom by withholding financial help and he thinks magic makes him likeable and make his kids forget he’s not there for the difficult and good parts. That’s why your previous talks haven’t gone anywhere. So save your energy, call about the money and wait out til you’re 18 basically.
What you should do is work hard in school, so you and your sister both have a lot of scholarships. Look for classes that are broad, so you can go into medicine and architecture. It opens opportunities and you can decide later. Not because you’re wrong now, but you have time to make up your mind and then all bets are open. Talk to your school for advice about the specifics.
Talk to your mom and ask why she’s not putting the Child Support people on your dad. He’s late for what seems years. He might have a little kid now, but he knew you existed before he made him so he purposely chose his spending. It makes sense that she doesn’t want contact, but your brother deserves better. Your dad can be mad and lie all he wants, but there’s a legal agreement he has to follow and holding him responsible when he fails is a consequence he knows about.
You already posted this an hour ago.