For some background, my wife and I met three years ago when I was living in another country. She’s native to that country. I am originally from the East Coast of the US and we are now living on the West Coast. We have a one-year-old child together and decided to move to the US to raise him. Up until today, I thought he was my only child.
About 12 years ago, I was partying a lot and having casual hookups. There was a girl a had hooked up with a few times and never talked to again. That was pretty normal for me. I ran into her sister about a year later and found out she had a baby in the last few months. I got a bit freaked out and asked if it was mine. She assured me it wasn’t and she knew who the father was. So I dropped it and never thought about it again.
Since then, I’ve essentially cut off my life from the East Coast and built a life that I love elsewhere. A few weeks ago, I noticed this girl requested to follow me on Instagram. I didn’t accept it right away because I thought it was weird, no one from back then talks to me anymore. I only really have one friend from there that I still talk to. I told my friend about the situation and we had a laugh about how I thought I was the dad of her child once. The more we talked about it, I learned that she never actually knew who the father was between a few people. So I just asked the girl straight up, if there was a chance I’m the dad. She said yes and we caught up a little bit and she explained why she never told me. No hard feelings. She’s had a rough time. We agreed to take a DNA test and move on from there.
A couple of weeks go by waiting for the kit, taking the test and results. Meanwhile, I’m full of anxiety. I got the results back today, I’m the father to an 11-year-old boy.
I’m terrified to tell my wife. In my mind I was thinking, why worry her too, it may not be my child after all. Now I have an even worse feeling that I need to explain to her I’ve been lying about nothing bothering me and that I’ve been hiding such a huge secret. I’m scared it’s going to damage our relationship. My wife is always worried about money, we live paycheck to paycheck. I’m scared that if the mom asks for support, I won’t be able to afford my current family. My wife isn’t working right now because we are waiting for her green card. I don’t know what to do.
How do I talk to my wife about this? What are the next steps? I haven’t even told the mom I got the results yet. I think I need to tell my wife first. Is my marriage doomed?
TLDR: I have a kid from an old hookup and have been hiding it from my wife.
4 comments
You just have to be honest and tell your wife. Then figure out the next steps.
You haven’t cheated, the biggest deception so far is not telling her there was a possibility once the other woman got in touch but you can tell your wife the truth in that you didn’t want to worry her unless you knew for sure.
You didn’t cheat on her so it isn’t like you’re in the wrong. Set some time aside where you aren’t disturbed. Tell your wife first, show her the results, tell her the entire story the way you told us. She may react badly at first which is perfectly understandable. But it should be fine. Then I suggest you speak to the mom together if that’s what your wife wants so you can decide in what capacity you’ll be in your son’s life.
Is there any other way than just telling her?
Lesson 1: Well, you could get a time machine and keep your actual wife invested in your shared life from the beginning? Like you should have…
Lesson 2: what you wrote here was pretty good. Open or end with an apology for not going straight to her regardless of outcomes. And then go from there.