Recent experiences are leading me to believe that my (21M) best friend (20F) is emotionally cheating on her partner with me. I am in love with her and I think she likely knows this, and we’ve got an afternoon set out where we are going to have an ‘important discussion’. Am I misinterpreting it all?

I (21M) am in love with my best friend (20F), who attends the same university as me. She is in a relationship and I do not really know or communicate with her partner. It has been like this since the start and it’s sort of an unspoken truth that she doesn’t talk about her personal relationships and I don’t talk about mine. This has never been a source of tension between us.

I did not go into this friendship expecting these feelings to develop, but it’s happened and I have been sitting on these feelings for a decent period of time now. I believe that it is not lust, loneliness or jealousy; the feelings are the real deal and I have accepted and come to terms with this.

I have sat on these feelings because at the end of the day I value our friendship immensely, my feelings aren’t affecting our everday interactions, and above all I respect her and her relationship.

However, after a series of events this week, and looking back at something that happened a couple of months ago, I think it has become clear that she is aware how I feel, and also I believe she may be (unintentionally or not) emotionally cheating on her partner with me. We have always had a very close bond, and talked about a lot of personal (non-romantic-relationship-based lol) things together. We were sitting together in my flat and we got onto the the discussion about what we meant to each other and how important our friendship is. Whilst I never intended to have ***that*** conversation then and there, I did decide to just test the water and throw in a warning shot. I said that I think that I’m struuggling with something that I want to talk about at some point but I don’t think now is the right time, but I’m letting you know that there’s something we should talk about at some point. This was met with a perfectly fine response, she totally understands, we can talk about anything etc etc but of course let’s wait until the time is right to discuss whatever it is you want to discuss.

I think okay, this is not a completely awful response that I always imagined even hinting towards the topic would get. However, continuing into that afternoon where we just sat on my couch and talked for literally hours, the topic of ‘people we were meant to meet’ came up and we just spent some time discussing how wonderful the circumstances were that we ended up in each other’s lives. Then we just sat in silence for a bit and she started crying. I asked if everything was okay and she just said she’s processing and it’s a good thing. She is just processing the fact that she is so happy we are in each other’s lives and that the time we have spent together is very special. Then of course I start crying and we end up an emotional mess but it’s all fine. After we departed that day, I got a lovely letter from her the week after re-itterating how important and special this friendship is and how I’ve given her such meaningful moments and experiences and how many more we’re going to share.

Skip forward a couple of months to this week and our friendship is still, as expected, as strong and close as ever. We have had in the diary for a while now a trip to see my favourite band. She told me that, although she doesn’t like the music I like, she can see how important music is to me and that next time my favourite band are playing we should go and see them together and she can get to experience something important to me. Obviously this makes me the happiest person in the world and as soon as the band I had in mind announced a run of UK shows, we book in tickets.

The concert was earlier this week, and a series of things happened that evening that have led me to believe that now is probably the right time to have an honest conversation. The concert was lovely, we had a great time, but then three things happened towards the end of that evening. During my favourite song, right at the end of the set (and she knew it was my favourite song), she started crying again and I saw this and we ended up embracing each other in the middle of the pit for the vast majority of the duration of that song. That was literally the second to last song. The concert ended, and we just stood there for a bit in silence soaking in the atmosphere. As the venue emptied, and we were headed out, she leant up close to me and said directly into my ear, ‘Thank you. I understand why you brought me tonight to this’.

We walk back in silence to the bus stop at the venue, and ride the bus in silence to the second bus stop where we need to wait for the (long journey) coach back to uni. Whilst sitting in relative silence at this bus stop, she starts crying again. Perhaps stupidly (or, perhaps not), I saw this and linked my arm around hers and rested my head on her shoulder. I instinctively did this and immediatley regretted it because, obviously we aren’t in a relationship and physical boundaries etc. So I very quickly pulled away and said that I was sorry that was just reflex to me seeing her cry. She then said no, it’s okay, your reflexes are a good thing.

The coach trip home is a long one and we didn’t talk about anything much because we were very tired. But eventually we got back to where we needed to be and we got off. We actually walked back to my place because she had left some things there and needed to pick them up before heading back to hers. So at 01:45 in the morning, we’re standing in my room and it’s time to say goodbye after an incredible evening. And as she turns to leave, she just comes up to me with arms open and embraces me again. We sometimes do indeed give brief goodbye hugs, but honestly this time she just wrapped her arms around me and rested her head on my shoulder and I did the same and for a good 30 seconds she just squeezed me so tightly and thanked me again for such a special evening. And as she let go, she said to me: ‘I know there’s that damn thing we need to talk about when you’re ready to’.

This is literally the first time this has been brought up by either of us since the afternoon we spent together a couple of months ago. I was kind of taken aback by this, especially as this is literally the last thing she said before leaving. As she left, I said that I know, and we will talk about it.

Literally the next morning, we have a message exchange and we’ve set up a full afternoon in a couple of weeks time to meet and ‘have that important chat’. I’ve always said to myself that I’ll know when the time is right to do this, and now that I believe the time has come and it’s in the diary, I’m feeling … a bit stressed. Because, realistically, I think she knows what we’re going to chat about. And whilst this is somewhat of a relief, it’s stressful because how do I know that I’m not totally misinterpreting this entire situation and she actually has no idea what we’re going to discuss. Time for some more overthinking.

Do you think the interactions I’ve described would constitute as (unintentional?) emotional cheating on her end? Despite how close we are, I know very little about her relationship and the dynamics of said relationship. Furthermore, do you think I’m right in thinking she probably knows how I’m feeling?

Nevertheless, I do need to tell her how I’m feeling because it has got to the point now where clearly it’s on her mind again that I mentioned there was something we needed to discuss, and she chose to bring that up after a particuarly emotional and special evening, rather than the millions of other times she’s seen me since I first mentioned it.

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TL;DR – I am in love with my best friend, who is in a relationship. Recently in our friendship there have been some emotional experiences , and this has led me to believe that I am ready to tell her how I feel. I think she might know what i’m going to tell her, but I don’t know this for sure. I also am wondering whether how she has treated me recently might be seen as emotional cheating her end.