Hello everyone. I have an update for anyone wondering what happened between me (25F) and my boyfriend (27M) after about a month I posted.
Here’s the link to the original:
[25F][27M] My bf is emotionally dependant on his family and it’s taking a toll on our 3.5-year-relationship. from relationships
So, after alot of thought, sleepless nights and many oh so many tears, I followed your advice (and my family’s). I broke up with him today.
Here’s how it went. When he came back from work to our apartment after some time I explained to him for the last time our problems. He didn’t actually say anything special at all. Then, I told him that I need some space until the weekend to think about our relationship and if I can proceed with this relationship (I’m done emotionally and physically I just can’t anymore). When I needed him the last weeks he ditched me for some parties and I was left alone at the weekends. When I tried to talk to him he brushed me off and played games on his pc. I think he may have an addiction.
So, when I told him that I’d like for him to go back to his parents tomorrow morning till the weekend he said okay. Then he just had a 2 hour nap, woke up, saw his suitcase ready (that I’ve made) stared at me, meanwhile I was on the verge of crying and he just broke down. He started crying really hard and that made me feel crushed. I still care about him I might still love him and I just hate even now that he was so sad and full of tears, I don’t want to see him feeling like this. That made me feel like I’m the bad guy and to make matters worse he did try to put the blame on me. He packed some more clothes and I pleaded for him to not drive a 1.5h drive late at night cause he is not stable enough. I told him he could leave in the morning. I was a mess and he seemed he was too. We then had a conversation about our problems and now I’m suddenly the one that is never ever satisfied with what he does and it’s just all in my head. I won’t go into more details because it’s almost 3a.m. where I am. I just made so many sacrifices for him and this is how I’m treated. One of my friends is coming over for the weekend to help me pack the rest of his stuff and be there when he’ll come for the last time to get all the rest.
I’m emotionally a wreck, I’m extremely sad, my eyes are bulging out from crying too much and I can’t sleep. I know it’ll pass but I miss him, although I know he’s not good for me. Or maybe I got used to him being with me.
I’d like to thank everyone that supported me and given me thoughtful advice. I want to be braver and stronger from now on. I want to feel happy again and I don’t want to cry. I want things to get better.
Tl;dr broke up with my bf, feel awful but it’s the best for me
18 comments
Congratulations on the future to come. I’m sorry for the pain of today. This wasn’t a good arrangement for you. You are expected to be his servant, and that is not your goal.
You did the right thing.
I think he’s upset that breaking up means change. Not an easy thing for a guy so set in his ways. But the second he began blaming you again for never being satisfied, that’s him showing you again that he’ll never truly hear you, and will never change for you.
Some people cry during a breakup because they’re genuinely sad about the end of the relationship and will miss their partner’s company.
Some people cry during a breakup because A Thing Is Changing, and change is scary and uncomfortable and they don’t wanna deal with it.
I think your boyfriend is in the latter camp. He wasn’t actually interested in you, and didn’t even *notice* that he wasn’t spending time with you, but the breakup is forcing unwelcome change into his life and he hates it. That’s what those tears were – not tears of heartbreak, but tears of indignation. You’re *making* him break his routine and readjust his life by dumping him. Small wonder he’s blaming you for his current discomfort instead of doing any self-reflection. Self-reflection would require interest in (and respect for) you as a person, and he has none.
I’m so sorry. He is proving that you made the right choice. Blaming you and trying to gaslight you. He couldn’t even take accountability one last time. He is in for a rude awakening if a girl ever gets serious with him again. It can’t be a her problem with every girl, there is a common denominator.
Don’t relent. Stay strong. Keep moving forward, without your ex.
You saved yourself from being married to a closed minded traditional mysogynist.
After the deluge of posts of young women basically making themselves maids and incubators for terrible, terrible men, this is a breath of fresh air.
I know I’m just a stranger, but I’m proud of you for choosing yourself and realizing you deserve far, far better.
Girl. I broke up with my boyfriend of 3.5 years 7 months ago because of literally these exact same reasons. We picked out an engagement ring and all. After picking out the ring, I really had some bad thoughts that I wanted to disappear but I couldn’t get them out of my mind. I’m also 25. He was 32 at the time. He wanted to buy a house with his brother and his gf & split it, constant video games when he wasn’t working… I would stay up all night on the couch until I passed out while he was gaming in the hopes that he would stop like he said he would and spend time with me. He would stay up until 6 AM playing games sometimes. (WTF?!)
He became my best friend through the years and breaking up with him was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
We were honestly an awesome couple and I learned a lot being with him. I loved a lot being with him.
But now I feel a sense of relief knowing that I don’t have to be that person he wanted me to be so badly.
I was super in love with this dude. A part of me will always love him. I still miss him sometimes.
Look at this as a milestone. One step closer to finding the one you are meant to be with. It could be the next person, or the next, so on and so forth.
We learn things from relationships we don’t settle down in. Take the good and the bad things you have learned and apply them to find a better partner for you.
We are in this journey together. Stay strong. Cheers.
You did the right thing!
In a relationship both people should feel they are safe, appreciated and uplifted. That they are in a mutually beneficial partnership. Sure, no relationship is perfect because we are all different and conflict will arise but you should have this sense of the relationship at least 80% of the time. You cannot motivate someone to change if they don’t want to. You will just become the nag and you will both end up resenting each other. You need to find someone who is better suited to the life you want to lead.
GOOD FOR YOU!
And anyway, he’s only crying because you derailed his cozy life that was running just the way he liked it.
If he loved you then he’d have spent quality time with you.
I’m not going to dispute the decision to end things, as you clearly have very different expectations and goals and appear incompatible.
But did I miss something / fail to understand what makes this man so awful? You specify living in his country, so I am guessing you are from different cultural backgrounds?
Being an idle toad about the house is not ideal – but he’s working and doing at least 2 hours of commuting a day. Sounds like he has a lot of financial responsibility and uncertainty in his life too, I could relate to him wanting to kick back and do some gaming when he’s home.
Being close to your family is not “emotional dependency” and in some cultures living close to (or often, with) each other, looking out for the family financially, and yes, naming first born sons after your father, are pretty typical traditions. I’m English so obviously I can’t stand my family, but I know plenty of Italians, Spanish, Romanians etc who have a very different set of values and sense of duty when it comes to family.
I do not think hoping that you share a connection and set of interests with your children is a particularly toxic quality to have either. You don’t seem to have a problem with having the same fantasy because you perceive academic success as higher value than being a car mechanic. That feels like snobbery to me.
You’re not responsible for his happiness. He had almost 4 years to make you happy and wasn’t cutting it. You’ve communicated your wants and needs and he brushed you off or else decided he was more important.
Good fucking riddance! Don’t worry about him. His mom will make sure he’s taken care of. For now ghost him and get as much distance as possible. In the coming days/weeks/months he will try and beg for you to give him another chance. Don’t do it. He won’t change. And then he’ll know he can treat you worse and it won’t matter bc he knows you’ll take him back.
Don’t let him manipulate you. Your priority should be your well-being and not some freaking guilt trip. Bye-Bye BF. Quit your crying and act like a man before I take your video games away.
I promise, *I promise*, it will get better.
He didn’t cry because he cares about you, he cried because he cares about himself, and what you can do for him when it’s convenient for him.
Good for you for breaking it off
Sending you hugs. I am you if you stayed and married him. I’m currently untangling myself from that relationship. You did the right thing, and you will look back on this moment and be grateful to yourself for doing this difficult thing. Grieve that loss, it’s totally OK, and be kind to yourself. Find support in your circle, branch out and find new interests you couldn’t entertain before. You have so many possibilities in front of you.
Stay strong now. When you wake up, you make yourself a coffee, sit in the master bedroom and play on your phone. I am sorry, even if he cries this crocodile tears now, he doesn’t deserve more than this atm.
You’re sad now, but you getting rid of so much sorrow in the future. One year from now you’ll feel a huge amount of relief.
The fact that he tried to spin things should be an extra eye opener. Every time you get upset, remember why you felt you needed to break things off with him
– remember he wanted to name your first sin after his dad.
– remember he’d rather not have a daughter.
– remember he kept giving his parents money and made your lives difficult.
– remember living in his parents’ plot with his older brother as an upstairs neighbor.
– remember he left you alone when you needed him.
– remember he didn’t help around the house.
REMEMBER TO PUT YOURSELF FIRST!!