while i have considered dumping him i’m not ready to do so just yet so actual advice will be appreciated.
i (f27) feel stupid for feeling less-then about myself because of my current boyfriend (let’s call him J, m32). i know many men and women would feel lucky to have me as their girlfriend (i take good care of myself physically, mentally, spiritually, financially, i’m such a companion for those i love, i’m kind as hell and i’m sexually open minded; he has said multiple times there’s not many women like me out there). but J is being very successful in making me feel like shit when it comes to sex.
i remember us discussing having high sex drives when we first met, i thought we could be a good fit but i’m not sure anymore. i’ve reached a point where i’m angry, i want things to be okay but i’m not sure how to make it better.
i remember feeling weirded out for the first time when he said “hey, just so you, i don’t mind if you don’t shave your vagina. if you’re ever too busy to get waxed or just don’t feel like doing it i don’t mind it at all”; i found it cool, as he’s very hairy too, he trims and is always smelling fresh but nevertheless; coincidentally we spent the next week together and my pubes started growing back, so he started giving me oral but stopped midway through, later he explained that he couldn’t go on because i haven’t shaved, i was like what the fuck? he replied “i was talking i didn’t mind if you don’t shave for PIV but for oral i do mind it”. so yeah not the coolest thing to hear. we talked things through but i had trouble feeling fully relaxed during sex with him for the next days.
other time we had a fight because we were having sex one afternoon, he had his orgasm, but when it came to mine he said he was too tired and told me he would make it up to me the next day. i understand feeling tired but he has this thing where he will just give up making me orgasm and it makes me frustrated because i would never do it to him. it has happened so many times, the first times i was comprehensive (i would never want him to go on know he’s tired but now he just gives up and wants to try the next day; then i’m just not horny the next day and things get frustrating). i just keep remembering a conversation we had when we where getting to know each other, he said “i’m pretty much addicted to sex, i could play with a vagina all day”. now i see that’s not quite true. he seems way too okay with leaving me unsatisfied. i tried talking to him about it, he told me he doesn’t want to feel obligated to make me orgasm because he had a traumatic situation when he was younger and his ex girlfriend would act like if he didn’t make her cum, she would leave him. we talked things through and everything seemed to be okay between us. i was still slightly uncomfortable but hoping he would change his behavior.
then i decided to talk to him about squirting (i’m a squirter and up until that point i had been keeping it in or just going to pee because i didn’t know how we would react), he told me he would love it if i did squirt while having sex with him, it would make him feel great like he was good at sex, he would love having me squirt all over him and whatnot. i specifically told him i was worried because one time i almost did it but it was in his bed and we didn’t put a towel down, he said “you should have just done it, it would be great, you shouldn’t worry about the mess, just about having a good moment with me”. so i was like, cool. first time i did squirt it was fine, he said it was great and stuff, but afterwards he looked too bothered by the cleanup (we did it together). the second time i squirted he stopped everything he was doing and said “i just changed those sheets yesterday”. it sucked because his face looked upset. no woman or man wants to hear any of that during sex. and it made me feel like i’m disgusting. but we talked and things seemed to be fine again.
another sucky day, AFTER he gave me oral and i took so long to cum because i couldn’t fully relax, he says “if you want oral you should shave”, i told him that was not fair because i didn’t even ask him to do it, he just started giving me head after he came from PIV and i accepted it. his answer? “i didn’t want you to complain about not cumming today”. i got mad and left.
the last straw to me was last week, he asked me to go to his place, he was sad he had lost his job, it was late at night but i went there to comfort him). i forced myself to listen to his feelings (i was tired from working all day, i also have chronic fatigue so when i’m tired i’m DONE for the day, i need my sleep and i’ll get moody, but i was worried about him, wanted to make sure he felt heard, and for him to feel better). after about an hour of him venting he goes “i think i wanna have sex to feel better. i know this is selfish but do you mind if i cum and you don’t? i just don’t have the patience to make you cum today”. i was like “if you knew it was selfish why did you ask?” and we fought again. his use of the word patience bothered me a lot. he said his back was hurting way too much for him to be able to give me oral. i told him that was not the only option, if he gave a shit about my pleasure he wouldn’t just give up, and the fact that he always refused to talk things through to work something out, some other position or another way both of us could cum made me angry, he just made the decision for himself and left me unsatisfied. he said “i love to make you orgasm when i want to do so, but today…” and it looked like he held himself back from saying today he didn’t want to make me orgasm.
i told him i thought he was taking me for granted, i did not feel like the amazing woman he said he saw me as in the beginning because he was making me feel like absolute crap. i came home and things have been weirder since then.
i can’t stop thinking of this. he has expressed wanting to have a threesome before, i love the idea, but i don’t see him deserving this privilege from me. same with anal, i’m dying to try it, but i doubt he would have the care and sensibility (and most of all, patience) it takes to do it for the first time with a woman.
i expressed to him i’m being left so unsatisfied so many times, and i’m thinking of opening up our relationship so i can get with someone who can, won’t mind, and will LOVE to please me as much as be pleased by me.
the thing is i never really wanted an open relationship before, i like being monogamous. but this situation has made me feel so many things, i just wanna have some fucking great, fun, fulfilling, carefree sex. i have this girl that’s interested in me (i’m bi), she always kinda flirted with me but i always took it as a joke, until a mutual friend told me she actually had a crush on me and she expressed wanting us to have sex. she’s very fun too and so sexy. i’ve been thinking about her non stop.
i don’t wanna break up with J, he does have a good side, but he said himself sex was a big deal to him, it is to me too and it’s been awful. idk, any serious advice is welcome
18 comments
Non-monogamy is likely to make everything much worse under these circumstances. Ethical, healthy non-monogamy requires good communication and care for your partner’s needs. This is the opposite of your current situation.
If you want to try and save this relationship, therapy is the only real option, in my view,
Honestly, it sounds like the relationship isn’t sexually compatible. J is completely selfish and frankly demeaning to you. It sounds like he wants a sex toy rather than a girlfriend because if he’s not willing to get you off, you’re basically just helping him masturbate and getting no reward for it. Frankly, I think breaking up would be best and your mental wellbeing. I know I would if I was in your shoes. Sex is intimate whether or not it’s romantic, and it’s a time to be vulnerable. It seems like you can’t be vulnerable with him sexually
Serious answer: you should break up.
I mean, imagine if your best friend shared that dissertation of a post with you and asked “what do you think?” What would you tell her to do?
Open relationships generally work best when they’re for the benefit of *both* the individuals *and* the couple. If it’s simply so one of you get have “great, fun, fulfilling, carefree sex” but you’re not trying to improve your sex life *as a couple* then I can’t see how that’d be appealing to your partner.
Basically, what you’re saying is “you’re a lousy lay so I want permission to sleep with other people, cool?”
Just. Break. Up. Find a partner whose company you enjoy *and* you rocks your world sexually.
My advice would not have a threesome with him, he hasn’t earned that. And if I was in a relationship like that I would seriously be considering leaving. He seems very selfish sexually. My husband would never not let me cum at least a few times before he finishes.. My advice is consider your happiness and not his happiness. You deserve to be happy, satisfied, and properly loved. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Also I would find a fwb for yourself.
| i can’t stop thinking of this. he has expressed wanting to have a threesome before, i love the idea, but i don’t see him deserving this privilege from me
Life is short. This sentence right here suggests that you are wasting precious moments of it with him.
You need to break up with him. As much as it hurts you will only make things much MUCH worse by opening up your relationship. To the point that you will either end up hating him or him hating you. If you want carefree sex then leave, find someone else. Keep him as a friend, who cares! Just don’t open up the relationship. You’re much better off leaving on good terms and getting your needs fulfilled elsewhere.
I only see 2 options. 1st break up right away, just end it. 2nd have a threesome, but with a guy of your choice and let the new guy do anal since you want to try, but not with J.
>J is being very successful in making me feel like shit
… There’s your answer
This is something people get so bogged down by. “He has a good side”
All awful partners have a good side. That’s how they get us. This guys actions don’t match his words. Not only that, but he shames you in the bedroom. Consistently. He is selfish. And manipulative. You don’t see it, because you are already invested and you have feelings. You have plans. But tell me this. If you knew these things would play out like this before you started dating him, would you even have dated him? Would any amount of good seem worth this mind fuckery?
He is just an inconsiderate asshole, sorry.
If my girl did not cum I will do everything i can to help her and will be pleased to do it to her. Its not a shore or job. I really love it. Even when im sick, in pain, or tired. But its just me…
So the first oral thing, not really much to say there.
He is allowed to have that opinion, and you are allowed to do what ever you want with your body.
Is sex a tid for tad ?
Him not helping you out is for sure a idiot thing, which is why you will see alot of advice that says “her first”.
You dont go around hoping someone will change for you, people in general only change for one person and that is themselves.
Messes can happen, and you warning him you are a squirter and helping yo clean up the mess you made together seems like a fair deal.
Considering opening the relationship is the WRONG reason to do so…. Like i dont know how to explain that you dont open the relationship by yourself, you are cheating at that point.
A open relationship requires to mutually agreed people to say the least.
So the question would be, why dont you show him your post ?
What if you talk again and tell him that every time you have sex from now on, you should orgasm first then he orgasms and rests?
I am a fan of the idea that we should not focus on orgasming when it comes to sex, we should focus on pleasuring each other. If orgasm happened during that time then good, if it didn’t that’s good too because you enjoyed your time together.
However, it seems what is bothering you is his attitude towards pleasuring you? I suggest not opening the relationship for the wrong reasons and instead going to couples therapy.
honestly it sounds like he doesn’t deserve ANY female partners.
Not that sex should always (or perhaps at all) be all about orgasm, but trying to get your jollies with a selfish lover is like trying to run a marathon in leg shackles. In fact even calling this guy a “lover” is being overly generous; his idea of sex is mechanical and transactional and devoid of the things you actually need. Dump him and hook up with the girl who actually WANTS to rock your world. Your future self will thank you.
I believe open relationships can work. Recently I read something that before you make your relationship open ask yourself does the open relationship enrich our relationship or just shift the problems we have on other things? Or will cause even more problems.
Man I’m in love with you. Left him and come with me, please.
I (F) have a very similair character to yours and was with a guy similair to what you are describing. It was all rainbows and flowers until it wasn’t.
I tried to find logic in his behaviour and i thought if i can only talk things out with him, it will get better, because we are all adult people capable of adult conversation, where we both wish to solve things right? Guess what?
He left me like he was treating me…like a piece of trash. And i am sitting here traumatised, angry that i ever let someone walk all over me like this.
Girl, i’m telling you, run!! This guy will put you down, step on your self confidence, make you doubt what is real and what not and you’ll end up questioning your sanity.
This is called abuse. Please recognise it, don’t try to find logic in it, there is none. He is playing power play with you and you can’t win, because this is his game, his rules.
When stuff like this happens, just ask yourself, what would i do in this moment if i loved myself?
I think you mostly just want to have a fun carefree lifestyle. I think that’s what everybody really wants. But if you are withholding a 3 way that you yourself even want, as leverage over getting what you want first? I think you just want out and that’s fine but why do people find it necessary to justify getting out by demonizing the other person first? I was in a relationship with a woman who would say she loved cooking food meals for me and prided herself in being a good partner that way. She also said she wanted her meals to be what I really liked but if I ever said it needs less salt or something that could be tweaked she was devastated. If she cooked something that was spot on that I really loved and expressed how much I loved it. That was the last time I’d ever get that food ever or she’d intentionally change the recipe. This story reminds me of.