*Tl;dr: I’ve had lots of bad luck while dating and still cannot possibly figure out why.*
I am a 26yo F and I am just so tired and sad.
Dating is literally *the* area of my life that I just can’t figure out, no matter what I do and how much I work on myself. Sometimes I’m ok with that and just focus on other things but sometimes it gets to me and makes me feel as if there’s something wrong with me.
However, I can’t seem to figure out what that would be. Overall, from feedback from people who are close to me or people who had crushes on me, I get the impression that I have an interesting and fun personality. I know I am smart and sweet and also moderately good looking and know what my value is. Of course there are underlying insecurities, but I have been actively working towards overcoming them. I can be very open and affectionate when I get to know someone I like.
The current situation is that I have recently gotten over a major depressive episode, for the first time in my life started therapy and medication, and after maybe half a year of isolation and disgust towards the very idea of dating, I started to feel like I was ready (and excited!) to go out there and meet someone new. Now, it usually takes me a lot of effort to find someone I feel genuinely interested in but I met this guy (35M) online who was super witty and fun to talk to and I thought he was interested in me as well as there clearly was a spark. Last week we met for the first time, the date was fun and I really enjoyed his personality and presence and later on we ended up in bed. Then it’s the same old story. The sex itself was nice but left me with a feeling that I was the only one feeling a deeper connection and now I already sense him losing interest in texting with me.
So… yeah. I know I’ll get over this but what haunts me is that this is probably the milionth time this has happenned to me. The last time I got close with someone they were faking that they felt closeness with me just to get me into their bed. The one time before that, I met a person I liked a lot who made me feel it was mutual only to stop texting me after maybe 5th date (and text me half a year later asking if I was angry). I could go on.
For sure I realize that my dating experience does not define me as a person, but also with every single heartbreak it gets increasingly hard to even *try* anymore. It takes ages for me to regain my self-worth and ultimately just makes me want to close myself off for good. The thing is, with me trying to tackle my mental health issues, I want to make changes in my “love life” as well but I have no idea where to even start. Am I getting attached too quick? Am I really that bad at reading people, their emotions and mutual chemistry? Do I choose the wrong people? Is this all really just tons of bad luck or is there something wrong with me or with how I approach things? Why don’t people that I find interesting see me for who I am – or is my self-image just absolutely skewed?
Too many questions. Having (and fighting) severe anxiety does not help.
Thank you if you read all this, haha. I do have my support net, but **I would be curious to hear opinions or ideas from people that don’t actually know me and/or experiences of people who may be going through similar issues**.
Hugs.
3 comments
I think yes, you are getting attached too quickly. You are not bad at reading people, you just might be going after ONE type of guy and clearly that is not working out, which answers the wrong people question. There isn’t anything wrong with you, if there was you would be in denial about all this, you are aware something is not right and that it might be you. Last but not least: maybe take more time to become physically intimate with someone because it seems you might be getting very attached to someone shortly after, but I might be wrong on that one.
I would recommend setting up a more strict boundary when it comes to taking things to the bedroom. I personally get attached quickly, especially after going all the way. For this reason I have a rule that I don’t take things all the way unless they ask for exclusivity first.
Never had it take longer than 3 dates. Definitely don’t tell them that that’s your boundary because they can always lie about wanting to be exclusive. Just say you want to take things slow and be intentional about finding a good long term fit (which I assume is what you want). Kissing/making out etc is fair game, you have to have something to assess physical compatibility, but no going all the way without them initiating the exclusivity talk.
The benefit to this is it will weed out the guys who aren’t really serious and are just hoping to get lucky on the first date. It will also help you manage your feelings and attachment to the guys you are dating. It can be a lot easier to get over someone if you haven’t slept with them.
Something I try to recommend to people is to take things slow and be natural. If you want to find a great man and have a genuine relationship with him then you can’t be willing to just jump into bed with him and his goes for guys too when it comes to jumping straight into sex.
Sex is a good thing but when it’s taken as something very meaningless then it leaves you empty especially when you find out the other person was looking for sex only. Going too fast in a relationship in general isn’t a good idea because you’re not letting things flow at a good pace. So it’s best to take things slow and to enjoy eachothers company without it becoming sexual. In my opinion this is why I see it being a good idea when people do wait until marriage, get engaged, or reach a point where they agree that they want to be together forever because it shows that it isn’t just lust.
A good way to look at it is when you prepare a meal. sure you could always microwave a meal and it’s good but it’s not ideal such as taking more time making a well cooked meal. You should always remain positive too because a positive mindset is key. You’re defeating yourself if you do not see your relationship journey in a good light. It’s good to gain experience whether good or bad because it helps us to know what we do and don’t want.