questioning desire for commitment – what does it really mean?

18 comments

1. I think you need to take time to work on answering those questions about what commitment means to you instead of asking others to do it on your behalf.

   > i am just changing my view on commitment because i wish i had had more time with this man?

   I’m definitely getting “want to get back with my ex” vibes from this post. Why do you want to spend your time forcing something to work with someone who wants to keep you at arms-length if there’s someone out there who’s emotionally available for commitment?

   > in the aftermath i realised i wanted commitment so badly because i didn’t want someone who didn’t care about me and would just up and leave without any attempt to resolve issues in the relationship.

   This is a completely normal desire and boundary to have. And the guy you were dating clearly told you he didn’t care about providing that sort of stability to you.

2. > what is the possibility that i am just changing my view on commitment because i wish i had had more time with this man?

   this seems likely.

   It’s hard because there are a lot of emotions involved with a break up but try to think of this as objectively as possible: what do you want, romantically? again, try to think about that not with any particular guy in mind but just in general…what are your goals?

   if it helps at all, my goals are to be in a long term relationship that lasts the rest of my life. Saying that is one thing but understanding why I want that is another. I personally really appreciate the idea of companionship and building a life with another person. growing old with someone intrigues me and thus that’s what I’m looking for.

   It sucks when someone doesn’t see eye to eye with you but ultimately we have to look at it as a “good thing” in the grand scheme. Potentially wasting time with someone that was destined to end at some point or another is much worse than the immediate pain of a break up.

   This is also why I stress not only being authentic with other people but with ourselves too. We can’t be authentic with others if we don’t figure out what we want first. Figuring out what you want isn’t exactly easy (would highly recommend therapy to EVERYONE, not just people on this sub, because I learned a lot about myself in it) but oh my god is it rewarding

3. How do I know? I have a desire to know everything about someone and a strong desire to have them in my life, romantically, for a long time.

   But I’m not adverse to committing. Don’t carry any FOMO and don’t believe that I need to split my focus to make good choices – so I’m also not sure how prevalent my view is in the dating pool.

   What I do know is that if someone offers something that doesn’t work for me, it’s never taken me more than overnight to reflect and give them an answer.

   Like a few years ago when I met someone, had a few ridiculously good dates, and then she said “obviously we’re connecting but I’m pretty sure if we date it will only be for a few months. So I’m willing to be sexually exclusive with you while we both keep dating. What do you think?”

   What I thought is that while I was flattered she wanted more of the sex, I was offended that she’d decreed we wouldn’t be anything worth holding onto. So I thanked her for the offer, the dates, and let her go.

   At the end of the day? You get to decide what you want, what you need, and whether the other person is offering that.

   If it’s not enough? I personally would move on unapologetically.

4. Ok, so I’m just trying to clarify here. You want commitment, but not certainty of a future. You want a relationship that someone will fight for but you can walk away from if your expat lives deviate too much. You don’t know where you’re going to live and haven’t settled into a career yet.

   The big issue I see here is the fact that you’re not settled in life. You’re living an adventure. While there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s not conducive to long term committed relationships.

   There’s nothing wrong with how you live your life, but there are always sacrifices we have to make to live the life we choose for ourselves.

   You want what you want. The question becomes what will you sacrifice for it. I don’t know if your view is changing. As we live and have different experiences, that certainly influences our views on a great number of things, including romance. Perhaps it’s changing, or perhaps you’re looking to justify returning to the relationship. It could be fear, or it could be genuine. It will take some real self reflection to know that for sure.

   This really isn’t a situation where anyone can give you those answers. Only you can answer those for yourself.

5. Relationships are 100x better than dating. I’ve never looked at having one for the expression of commitment from my partner.

   To me it’s like if you don’t want to wake up everyday next to someone who makes you feel amazing inside or knows you better than anyone else, I’m not sure what the point is.

6. The only reason guys don’t want commitment is because they want to sleep with other people or keep their options open. Usually, it means they don’t see themselves with the other person long term and it’s more of a filler relationship then anything. Commitment is a huge indicator of interest in the other person. Literally the only reason I’ve not wanted commitment is because I felt there was someone else better out there or I wasn’t that into them.

7. To me, commitment is knowing that the person chooses only you and wants to plan a future with you.
   They want the world to know that you are theirs and they are yours.
   They want to nurture what they have with you because you are important and they want to make you feel safe emotionally and physically.

   I know I wanted commitment because I saw a future with them and I thought we were building that by trying to learn and understand each other.

   I think there can definitely be commitment without certainty of future because you want to show you are loyal while you get to know them.

   If you asked for commitment after 6 months which is a long time and more than a reasonable time to wait, and he left then I don’t think you should waste a further second dwelling on that person.

8. If he was so easily able to dump and leave you, what would prevent him from doing that again? These are the questions I ask myself when I think about my ex ex-bf who I was with for 10 months in a serious committed relationship that was leading to possibility of marriage.

   Don’t overthink the idea of commitment. Commitment isn’t a hard concept. Some people seem to be afraid of the idea. But when you meet someone worth it, it’s really not as hard as it needs to be.

9. If you’re trying to make peace with your break up it might help to consider he doesn’t want a commitment with you, not necessarily no commitment with anyone. After six months he realized something wasn’t working for him long term and he used your commitment comment to walk away. Don’t go back on what you want and need for someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you.

10. Do you mean you wanted him to stop seeing other people while you’re together? Because that’s a lot simpler. But it sounds like you were exclusive but you wanted ‘commitment’ but without marriage or a shared future, and that difference is going to be somewhat subtle.

    Like you want commitment if there’s an issue but not if there’s a more interesting place to move to and he wanted even less than that. Which is fine, but obviously most people are either full commitment or full freedom, so I imagine you might have more trouble finding people in that middle ground you’re looking for. Knowing exactly what you want though can only help you find it though.

11. >i guess i’m looking for wisdom on: how you know you wanted commitment, are there different types of commitment, can you have commitment without certainty of future, and what is the possibility that i am just changing my view on commitment because i wish i had had more time with this man?

    this typically applies to non-monogamy, but this is a community breakdown of all relationship components, that should also be normalized in any relationship style.

    relevant to your question are components that surround levels of commitment to each other.

    https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/pwkdxp/v3_relationship_components_menu_last_update_for/

12. Commitment conversations can be difficult. I think we generally understand what it feels like, though, which is an understanding that you don’t need a strict conversation about investment in a relationship where both people are committed towards a future together.

13. >can you have commitment without certainty of future

    In relationships where neither partner knows exactly what they want in the future, I do think commitment is possible. To me, that just means some kind of forward momentum/progress. What are we moving towards – making it to 6 months, moving in together, marriage / domestic partnership, kids? We’re not sure yet. How fast do we want to move there? We’re not sure yet. On the scale of one night stand to diamond anniversary, it’s somewhere in between and undefined in this moment, but we’re committed to continuing down the path of seeing where it goes, not immediately leaving the second something proves challenging, etc.

14. He prob realized that committing to a 30+ drifter was likely unilateral

15. I knew I wanted commitment cause she seemed like the right person. And she acted like she wanted that too.

    But she didn’t have the space or energy for real commitment. As soon as real issues surfaced, she bailed instead of working on them.

    From now on, I’m setting higher standards. The person has to have basic things, like be divorced and not live with their ex. Love is not enough. Attention is not enough. Being pretty and funny and smart, amazing chemistry, is not enough. I want to be part of someone’s life. I don’t wanna be a vacation hotel chick.

    Yes, I want tons of love and affection (my preference), but also the right life situation. I’d rather be single the rest of my life than hurt like this again.

    I can’t do casual either because I will catch feelings and then lower my standards.

16. >but in the aftermath i realised i wanted commitment so badly because i didn’t want someone who didn’t care about me and would just up and leave without any attempt to resolve issues in the relationship

    Nobody really does that.

    Relationships have momentum. Commitment is just something that grows naturally over time.

    People leave relationships because they no longer feel the same way about someone, they feel more strongly about someone else, they want to sleep around, or there is a clear pattern of toxic behavior.

    Nobody leaves a relationship because of an issue that can be resolved with talking or therapy.

    This is why I made a post a few weeks ago questioning the legitimacy of a desire for commitment. If a relationship is good, you’re committed. If it’s not good but it used to be, then you work toward getting back to good.

17. I agree with those who say you are second guessing your decision to have broken up with this guy. As a divorcée, I can relate to having spent a year after my divorce wanting my ex- husband back. It was after I realized how much our goals / personalities didn’t really align. We fell in love with the idea of marriage. We could have worked on it if he wanted to do it with me. He didn’t and I had to accept the fate of that. You can miss things about a person you were with for any length of time. If you’re wanting different things it’s not a good match. They may go along with it for a while, but eventually they will settle into what’s comfortable for them. Commitment is a choice to me that means choosing my partner everyday and being in a health space emotionally to check in with myself and him to see if things are okay or need an adjustment. Dating is the dress rehearsal for the actual production the real life play that will be your relationship with bloopers and beautiful memories. You are not interested in anyone else romantically. You can admire someone who is attractive but nothing that attractive person does or says could tear you away from your relationship and your loyalty to that person, in turn your partner should feel the same way about you. It takes time to get to that, but once you see you’re putting in more effort or that they aren’t meeting you at the halfway mark, it’s time to have a discussion and decide to work on the deficit or call it dead in the water. This is my opinion. Commitment FOR you means a commitment with what behavior characteristics and expectations???

18. If you are questioning whether you want to commit to someone then you don’t want to commit.