We got pregnant 2 weeks after we got married. I’d been told by countless doctors that I couldn’t get pregnant, but we did. It all worked out ok in the end, we love our daughter very much and wouldn’t go back and change anything. But pregnancy was a nightmare for me. I went through liver failure, my birth experience was complicated and traumatic, and I got several infections after birth. He got a knee injury shortly before my due date so I had to keep working literally until the day I gave birth.
He became our primary childcare and stayed home while I worked. All this time I was sole provider, even paying his child support for his daughter from a previous marriage, all the while I’m dealing with my own ongoing health issues.
Neither of us want more children. We are unanimously agreed on that. But, he after so many years of all the responsibility and burden falling on me for most things- pregnancy, breastfeeding for 2.5 years, being the sole bread winner, and still carrying the load of house cleaning, shopping, and cooking- it blows my mind that when there is something he could take off my plate (birth control) he won’t step up.
He insists that it’s not even an option because “vasectomies cause prostate cancer.”
Ok- so I’d get the fear factor- except he doesn’t do anything else to protect himself from cancer. I can’t even get him to wear gloves when he is dealing with caustic chemicals. I’ve pointed out that not having sex frequently increases risk of prostate cancer too, yet he won’t do anything (such as talk to his doctor, take supplements, etc) about his low libido so that he has the drive to have sex frequently enough to lower his risk of prostate cancer. He also doesn’t eat right, exercise etc. The only time he suddenly is concerned about his health is when it comes to not having a vasectomy- and it feels like a total cop out.
I’m on the Mirena IUD and it’s about to expire and I know the crash that comes after having it out can be horrendous, but that doesn’t matter to him. I got a referral for a Tubal ligation, but it is expensive (insurance won’t cover it) and invasive and I’ll have to take time off work to have it done, and it’s also not at all free of side effects- like increased risk of ectopic pregnancy, many people experience permanent abdominal pain, low sex drive, inability to orgasm, hot flashes, dryness, insomnia, mood swings, etc.
I’ve already had 3 major abdominal surgeries and really don’t want to have another one. That also doesn’t matter to him. I can feel my self resenting him for refusing to step up for me in any way.
He found 1 article online that supports his argument about vasectomy causing prostate cancer, even though everytime we’ve talked to a doctor about birth control options for me they’ve tried to encourage him to get snipped instead of putting me through this and reassured him it’s safe. There is much more evidence of increased risk of breast cancer (not to mention depression, sexual dysfunction and a whole list of other issues) being linked with hormonal BC than there is linking vasectomies with prostate cancer. Breast cancer already runs in my family too. I feel like I have fronted most of the risk and burden our entire marriage and it’s his turn to bat. I’m sick of feeling like a I’m just here to maximize his convenience.
Everytime I try to talk to him about it he says something like “OK so I guess you just want me to get prostate cancer then.” 🙄
I should also mention I have a very high sex drive and his is very low. I decided to stop initiating sex for an entire year and leave it in his court. We had sex four times that year with a nine month dry spell. I say that because most of the advice I’ve gotten is “Well just don’t have sex with him until he has a vasectomy.” Ha. He won’t care but I’m not sure I want to live another year like that.
Not sure what to think anymore but I definitely needed to rant. I’m sick of him not shouldering any risk and putting it all on me. I’ll get pregnant he won’t. Then I’d have to breastfeed and deal with more infections and years of sleep deprivation, he wouldn’t. I’ll have to take time off work for tubal ligation, he won’t. I’ll have to pay for surgery with anesthesia, he won’t. I’ve been on birth control for years, he hasn’t. (And IUDs fucking hurt and you don’t get pain management, unlike vasectomies) I already deal with chronic depression and anxiety and have to compound that with hormonal birth control, he doesn’t. It’s just a pattern I’m sick of.
TLDR: my husband won’t get a vasectomy. I’m upset because I feel like I’m always the one taking on any risk. Makes me feel disposable and unsupported.
20 comments
I don’t know about the prostate cancer part. That doesn’t seem correct but either way. His body, his choice. Do what you want with his choice.
Well sounds like tubal ligation is the way to go because you definately dont want to get pregnant again whether you continue this relationship or not. You can only control you and at least getting a ligation prevents another pregnancy and the issues that come with it.
He sound depressed. You have way more issues than a vasectomy. He need meds and a job. Use condoms 4 times a year. He needs to exercise. You are describing a dead bedroom, roommate situation.
Has he discussed the vasectomy process with an actual medical professional? Would relying on multiple non-hormonal BC options (including condoms) work for you?
His body, his choice. If he wants a vasectomy, he’ll get one. I think it’s time to drop the subject and do what you have to do on your own.
You have every right to be upset. You can’t force him, but a real man would take everything you have been through in to consideration. I could not love or respect a person like that and would not stay married to a person I could not love or respect.
You can offer to shove things in his orifices to make sure his prostate is in working order afterwards
Guy sounds like a loser and an asshole. Not sure if he’s fixable.
My husband wouldn’t. I can’t force him. Got the 10 year copper IUD (hormone free.) We’re both happy with my choice.
If you are going to have to have and pay for a surgery, I’d say talk to your doctor about a bilateral salpingectomy, where your tubes are completely removed vs a ligation. That is becoming the preferred method with a lot of doctors now as the risk of ectopic pregnancy is gone, and it reduces your chances of ovarian cancer (ovarian cancer doesn’t always originate in the ovaries; it’s been found that in many instances it originates in the Fallopian tubes and spreads to the ovaries).
That being said, I’m so sorry you are dealing with all of this and I sympathize with you feeling unsupported. Your body has been through a lot and I understand you not wanting to go through even more. You can only control your own actions though, and you’re going to have to decide if his reluctance to have actual discussions about this, show up to therapy or address his libido is something you want to continue to live with.
You can’t demand he gets a surgery but you can demand he wears a condom everytime…I bet he’d get one after a few lackluster condom sex sessions
So basically he’s saying that you’re not worth this risk even though you’ve done and risked so much by going through a pregnancy plus other stuff that you’ve done.
This is what I’m taking from this post. That he doesn’t think you’re worth the risk.
You seemed to have risked a lot in this relationship, went through a lot, suffered a lot, and gave up a lot. What has he done?
Do not sleep with this man. Wow. I am so sorry, you deserve so much more.
You cannot make him do anything to his body. You make the choice, you go through the necessary steps. Thise steps can include no sex. Condoms. Or making yourself sterile.
The issue of no vasectomy wouldnt bother me as much as being married to an idiot. Just to be 100% honest.
I get where you are coming from and would feel how you do. Share your feelings. Be brutally honest.
Honestly, it sounds like he’s using you. Traps you with a baby and you’re paying his child support? Of course he doesn’t want to get fixed, when you finally get tired of him and boot him to the curb, he has to trap the next one and have them pay double the support.
You have deeper issues in your marriage. I would make marriage therapy a condition of staying married.
He doesn’t want to be snipped. That’s ok. I would just not have sex. Because risking my health and having abdominal surgery is not worth it to have sex. If he’s ok with that, great.
If he says “you want me to have prostate cancer?”
Reply with “you want me to die?”
Chances he get prostate cancer from vasectomy is (idk. Haven’t heard of it until now and i’m a physician – but i’m not an urologist… so must not he a strong correlation)… the chances you dying from birth is higher.
Point is you can not force him to let him cut his body. My partner also does t want to get a vasectomy. He has personal reasons he doesn’t want to and I have to respect that. Nobody forced me to get pregnant and give birth and breastfeed. If I didn’t want that nobody would have forced me. My partner says we can just use condoms. He doesn’t force me to take care of birth control either. I dont want to rely on condoms so I also have a Mirena IUD.
i have replaced a Mirena IUD twice in my life because it expired. Never had any problem or crash. i have a few friends that also have them and I have never heard anybody about a crash. Didn’t even know it existed. So maybe you can just try it… Or switch to condoms while you already dont have a lot of sex. Maybe that doesn’t feel fait to you and I get that. But getting frustrated about it wont help.
What you dont have to accept is you being the sole breadwinner and doing the majority of the house work. Even if he has a knee injury he can do a lot. He can get a job where he sits or something.
No more sex, or tie the tubes. It may not be his reason but he may not want to be infertile if you left or died