I wouldn’t consider myself one, I don’t want anything to do with those people. But in the technical sense maybe I am one, since I’ve never had a girlfriend and it’s not because I choose not to date. Regardless of how you label it, I’m not happy with it.
I’m 20M, since I feel that’s important. And I’m honestly lost at this point. I’m tired of hearing the same generic advice I’ve already taken that’s helped me none, and I’m tired of people saying “just be patient and you’ll find someone” because obviously that’s not true either. I want to be able to date, have a girlfriend, etc, but at my age and experience level the chances of anything happening are slim to none. It’s only gonna get worse from here and I’m about at the point where if I don’t figure out how to nip it in the bud, I’ll never be with anyone.
I’m also tired of seeing other guys in similar situations and people make horrible assumptions about them. I’ve seen people assume that any guy who’s hygienic, not in bad shape, and has a basic level of social skills can get a girlfriend, and if not then they must be misogynistic, narcissists, or generally unpleasant to be around. Which isn’t true. But if that’s how most people think, I’m definitely gonna be alone for forever.
All this to say, idk what to do. I don’t want to keep being single, but no matter what that’s just how things turn out. I don’t know when or if things will be different. All I do know is I feel defeated and hopeless.
13 comments
Do you talk? Try to meet people? Go to school?
Things will get harder before they get easier. If you invest your effort correctly now, you will get that paid off in spades later on. Men are typically more successful in dating as they get older. Men around 35 tend to be much more successful than men aged 20. So even if you don’t do anything, you will likely get more successful over time. However, if you invest your efforts a lot now, your success rate in the future will be many times greater.
In my view there are two things you need to be doing.
1. Develop your theoretical understanding of dating norms. How to play by them and how to break them when appropriate. There are many good books out there with dating advice for men. I suggest you read some.
2. Try and fail. A lot! Get rejected a bunch. Learn how to handle rejection in a positive way. Learn how to improve through practice. Trial and error. If you’re not getting rejected at least a few times per week, you’re not trying hard enough.
The first successes are the most difficult. Once you found one path to success that wasn’t pure luck, you can oftentimes replicate that path again and again to obtain success in the future. That doesn’t mean that you will avoid rejection in the future. Rejection is always part of dating. But you’ll have more success and get rejected less often. Expect to get rejected 100 times or so before you have your first success. Maybe more, maybe less. Celebrate each tiny success on the way. Just getting a date is success. A kiss is success. You need these small successes to motivate you and learn from.
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This new generation wants everything NOW🤦🏻‍♂️
When I was your age I was so bloody busy with university, volunteer work (eventually becoming president of a service club), then starting my career and working more hours in a week than I knew existed. Didn’t even begin thinking about dating, let alone relationships, seriously until I was in my late 20’s
Until you have a ton to offer a woman you’re going to struggle
Get your ass online and start talking to girls. I don’t care if you find them on tinder, discord, Reddit, don’t care. If you read this comment and make up an excuse not to, you truly only want pity and not to actually work on this shit. Talk to women online, find some women who are down. Learn how to flirt when them. I look fucking stupid dude, average at best. Worked for me. It’s up to you man, you can decide today to stop being a baby about it
You’re 20 you’ll grow out of it
You said you don’t want to use dating apps or go to bars(yes I understand you’re 20, I’m talking about when you become 21), those are very common ways to meet partners for dating, also it’s the only way you can actively increase your chances.
I assume you want it to naturally happen with someone from your social circle, the problem with that unless you actively working to increase or change your social circle it’s kinda based on luck, it’s outside of your control that a woman who’s attracted to you and single be part of your social circle, and since it’s based on luck the only relevant advice is to be patient, something that you said you don’t want to hear.
You have to realize that you’re narrowing down your options by not wanting to use stuff like dating apps or bars, if you’re OK with that then fine, but you should ask yourself if being around people who drink or downloading tinder is bearable it if it will help you to find a relationship.
you’re 20. Still young. Many ways you can make your self attractive for now:
1. Get a good job, car, place.
2. Workout – gym, go running, hiking, bouldering . Get lean. Eat healthy.
3- Talk to one woman a day, whenever you get a chance. Doesn’t matter if you’re interested in her or not, could be anyone, not for the purpose of picking them up, but just improving emotional IQ. Smile at everyone you walk past.
4. Find hobbies – checkout meetup.com and meet likeminded people.
5. Learn an instrument – I spent 3 years learning the piano and guitar and honestly this helped me the most with girls.
6. Travel the world – learn a new language. French is a sexy language to learn. I picked that up when I was 20.
I didn’t put myself out for dating until 25 (yes I was a virgin until then, so what?). I was overweight in high school and colleges , had bad skin and had low confidence. But it was around 20-22 I started to try and make myself as attractive as possible with the above.
When was the last time you flirted with a girl on a party?
20 is really young. You have heaps of time to get your act together.
At this point it’s really a numbers game. Ask people out. Get your friends to set you up with people. Use dating aps. If you see someone you like the look of, introduce yourself and ask if you can grab a coffee. Don’t worry about long-term, chances are you’re not going to be marrying anyone you hook up with at this age. Just have fun and learn how to date and be with people.
Having trouble dating, as a dude, is seen as a big Red Flag.
It Signals that there is something wrong about you to other women.
Better pretend to be experienced
I don’t want to either. That’s where the “involuntary” part comes in.
People are giving you solid advice and you’re giving them every excuse you can think of as to why you can’t do that. What are you looking for in a partner? Figure that out and go somewhere where people like that hang out. You don’t want someone who drinks? Go to some churches, malls, or parks and hit some women up. Work on your confidence! I bet you’re not a bad looking or bad dude, but the way you talk about yourself to others can be seen as a red flag if you’re down on yourself all the time.