I’ve been wallowing today in depression about my spouse. My husband means well, but his efforts aren’t good enough to win me over again. I have no desire to be intimate with him. I’m a little old school, I’m a woman who likes to be pampered and taken out on a date. I never had the excitement of getting ready or feeling all giddy for a date with my husband because we’ve been living together since basically the beginning of our relationship. We were just two college kids then, going to school & working, and in the back of my mind I always was wondering when we’d be able to have ‘real dates’.
Unfortunately, unless it was a group activity, a family function, or a work/school event – we never had a real ‘dating’ experience. It’s like we went straight into a 10-year marriage in our first year. I’ve expressed how that upsets me and how I have FOMO, and his response was to dismiss me.
As we get older, we go on some trips and have good times, but I cannot remember a time when I felt romantically fulfilled on one of these ‘dates’. It never truly felt romantic. I’m starting to think he just doesn’t have what it takes to be a lover to me. For the record, I’ve planned dates too and usually those are truly from my heart, but he’s never reciprocated in a way that makes me feel romanced. What do we need to do?
6 comments
Why not set up date nights a couple times a month and alternate who plans it. Communication and voicing expectations with clarity… not vague like I want you to date me.. but more like next Friday we are going on a date and you pick the activity and tell me what time to be ready. Add it to the calender and talk about it during the week. You can even plan the first one so he knows what expect. Hey babe this week we are going to a game place at 7pm. We are going to throw axes and eat dinner after. Maybe he thinks your expectations are too specific or too huge for him to succeed at so he just doesn’t try. Show him it can be simple.
I think you are looking for a reason to leave, it might make you feel better if you look for a reason to stay.
This is a crazy idea I know but have you ever just like, communicated this to him? You can’t expect him to read your mind.
Why dont you plan the date? Make it something special that you both need to dress up.
It seems like you’re looking for someone to appear that has a magic answer that’ll fix your problems. An answer that stops the disappointment you feel. Something that washes away your current feelings and leaves you feeling refreshed, fulfilled, and happy.
The truth of the matter is you’ve had 10 years of evidence demonstrating to you that nothing will change. Here’s what’s going to happen—you’ll either gonna continue dealing with it and continue being depressed, eventually find yourself in someone else’s arms which jeopardizes your marriage, or you’ll be a big girl and move on from your husband.
Whinging about it and doing nothing isn’t working but the choice is ultimately yours.
Does he know what kind of (dating) experiences you’re looking for? Dinner and a movie? Comedy club and drinks? A show in the city? Dancing?
Is it your dynamic together that makes it challenging?