…or I am just bad. Point is its very hard to bring her to orgasm. What seems to work is oral…sometimes.
When I give her oral I enjoy it very much but she takes so long my jaw starts to hurt and my tounge gets numb. It starts to feel like torture at some point.
Add to the fact that its not guaranteed that she cums and I basically spent 30 mins for nothing often killing my own mood aswell. She can only cum when I dont throw off my rythmus, which is hard in those long sessions with the added numbness at some point.
I never told her that it hurts or is draining bec I know that would throw her off.
Secondly shes aware she takes long and will always ask me inbetween if everything is fine and while thats sweet it gets on my nerves bec I know the thought threw her off and I reassure here everytime that all is fine.
It reached a point were I rather mastrubate than to have sex with her just to avoid the long process and the feeling of failing when it didnt work.
I read nearly every article at how to give oral, ask her what she likes and so on. I am really at a loss.
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Maybe it’s more than just your technique/stamina.
Have you tried being a little more creative sexually? Try some new positions, some different rooms in your home, or even having sex outside your home?
Also, is your sexual life restricted to the sexual act itself, or does it play a part in your everyday interactions ?
Some women just don’t cum fast, and it’s normal for men to reach orgasm faster. As a woman, needing at least 30 minutes doesn’t sound long at all lol.
But let’s try and fix it. I’ve read your other comment about her having catholic guilt, being unable to cum by herself mots of the time, and her shame with vibrators and sex in general.
That’s the problem with the relationship. I think she should go see a therapist so she can work on that, because she’s making herself feel bad during sex/masturbation (something that should feel *amazing*), but it also makes YOU be upset!
What you can do is help making her feel better emotionally during sex. Maybe she’s not ready for a vibrator in the bedroom, okay, then use your fingers, slowly, or kind words, or kisses. Not full sex.
In those sessions your goal would be to “desensitize” her to sex, to make her used to it and for her subconscious to be like “huh, this isn’t that bad”. Neither of you need to orgasm in those sessions.
But this is her thing. She has to be the one to put on the effort to try and get better, for both your sakes. You can only do and help so much.
Have a serious conversation (but please, be kind and go slow, catholic guilt is the worst, trust me) and see if she would agree to try therapy. Maybe talking about her struggles with church would help feel comfortable during this.
Good luck 🙂
Sounds like you and your gf are battling against some ingrained Catholic shame there.
The problem is mostly in her head. Thing is, that’s where most women’s orgasms start so that religious concept of what she’s doing with you (or with herself) being wrong, dirty or sinful is putting the brakes on before you’ve even gotten started. The idea of her sexual pleasure being something to be ashamed of needs to be undone. Perhaps sex therapy or just therapy in general would help undo some of the damage
A concept that has been popularised in sex and relationships is the breaks/accelerators concept.
What brings her closer to orgasm? (Accelerator)
Surely a consistent oral stimulation by you, but she must be thinking of something, or there might be other elements she values.
What is an obstacle between her and orgasm? (Breaks) is she having any intrusive thoughts while she’s getting head from you, are the check-ins she does on you really taking her out of it, is the cat meowing outside because it’s close to its feeding time an issue?
Suggest you both reflect on your breaks/accelerators as a way to further explore your sexual connection and see if it helps. You might have to create a different environment or find creative solutions to some of the “breaks,” which, if one of her breaks is Catholic guilt, might have to be therapy.
I am someone who couldn’t come with a partner, moved on to being someone who mostly can but takes very long, now I’m somewhere around the 20min mark because I know to think of the right things and to put aside certain intrusive thoughts (among which images of cities I’ve lived in, which my brain randomly brings up during sex, coz why not!)
It sounds to me like she can read you quite well. She can tell you are annoyed when it’s been a few minutes or doesn’t work at all. So, there’s no miscommunication here, we can skip that.
What needs to happen first is you need to stop focusing on yourself. This is not about your ego. The problem here is that you can’t make your girlfriend come or if you do you don’t enjoy it because it requires 30 minutes of your precious time. You have zero problems here, you should feel sorry for her that her partner can’t make her come, not for yourself.
Second, you need to get better at making her come. Maybe you start too early with oral and there’s not enough foreplay, like rubbing over her clothes or stroking and kissing her elsewhere (thighs, neck), talking to her. How much of this do you do? Also, how long have you two been together, how much practice have you had with her or others?
I used to be like her and then a podcast I listen to had a promo for omgyes.com and I subscribed to the first season and the first time after watching all the videos using just my fingers I orgasmed it was crazy and I have also found that I can be more verbal when receiving oral now. It was a game changer for me but I always think if I recommend it on here they will think I’m trying to sell it haha but I swear I just found it super helpful.
It’s also a lot of pressure when receiving oral when it’s not happening we get in our heads and feel bad your still down there so sometimes I like to 69 or at least go back and forth on each other. I think it’s more fun that way.
I think sex therapy would help.
Hey man my fiancée is a lot like your gf in this regard, she really only orgasms in one specific way, it takes a while, she has to be perfectly in the mood, and she can psyche herself out pretty easily too.
We’re in our thirties, haven’t been together that long, I’m the only partner she’s ever had who can reliably make her orgasm. I’ve had like dozens of partners previous to her, I joke that all of my past sex life was just training for this sexual Mount Everest challenge with her.
So i want to say, if you’re willing to take the time to get your partner off even though it’s difficult, pat yourself on the back. Most dudes either won’t bother, or physically can’t.
Also, here are some tips that might help speed things up:
1. Blanket over her stomach and breasts. Like get her kinda wrapped up up top. It’s warm and reassuring and helps her not to feel exposed, doesn’t have to be body conscious or anything. Helps her to focus on the sensation of what you’re doing, and to feel safe.
2. Blindfold. Helps reduce distractions. She can always remove it if she wants to watch, but in general helps her just focus on what she’s feeling.
3. Encourage her to really experiment with masterbation. Either alone, or with you. I love laying with my girl while she uses her vibrator and touching her, kissing her, whatever she asks for. It helped her early on to get way more comfortable orgasming with me. And reduced the time it takes for her ever since.
4. Focus on the journey, not the destination. By the time I am really focused on making her finish with vibrator/ tongue, and fingers, we have been being intimate for a while, usually by her focusing on me as that really gets her oven warmed up. Or like I have given her a massage, we’ve made out and touched for like 10-15 minutes or something… a lot of that “time to orgasm” is really just “the process of getting really aroused.” So just enjoy foreplay and kissing for a while, wait til she’s good and warmed up, AND then begin the orgasm process. We got it down from 30-45 minutes to orgasm, down to a much more manageable 5-15 minutes, just by adding more play time.
5. If she’s really struggling, I will give myself permission to come first. Sometimes the fact of me coming means the pressure is off of her, so to speak. Then I’ll just focus on her, and me coming first usually pushes her over the edge right after me anyway.
So yeah man, some girls are just like that. But honestly when you love someone, doing the things they need done in order to get off, is a privilege. She probably knows how “difficult” she is to get off, and appreciates your efforts. My girl tells me all the time that cheating would be pointless because she doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life waiting for dudes to leave so she can masterbate alone by herself lol.
Is she satisfied without an orgasm or does she need it to enjoy sex with you?
If not just try to not focuse on it. Just enjoy the sex. Maybe she feels too pressured to cum which makes it extremely hard.
Just take the pressure away and enjoy the time with her.
Dont make her cum, if you dont feel like doing it.
if it is really important for her to cum use toys, like the satisfyer or a magic wand. Works wonders.
Can you take the pressure off each other by switching things up? I mean, you spend 10 minutes between her legs, then switch for 3 minutes of something else (69, missionary, mutual masturbation), then 10 minutes going down on her again, then 3 minutes of something else (blowjob, other position like prone bone or spooning), then back to cunnilingus… Basically take the pressure off her to orgasm by switching to other exciting things.
If toys are not an option eliminating the performance anxiety might make it more enjoyable for her (and get your engine humming, too).