I’ve 32F been seeing this guy 35M for 3-4 weeks. 6 dates, 3 to 8+ hours each. He acts very boyfriendy but wants to take it slow. We only see each other on the weekends – his preference because he has a lot going on at work.
He texts me every night we aren’t together and we go back and forth for a few hours before we go to bed. I appreciate the effort and attention but it’s feeling like we aren’t really connecting at all during the weeknights so in response to his text I ask if we can do a quick call before bed.
His response? Instead of just calling for 2 mins, he says he can’t because he has to be up super early tomorrow, and then doesn’t say goodnight like he normally does.
I’m feeling disappointed and annoyed, like he’s deliberately trying to keep me at arm’s length, and I’m thinking of just not responding to that text as immature as that is. Thoughts on this situation and how I should address? Am I overreacting? I don’t reallly want to have a serious convo about this but I do wanna communicate mild disappointment.
EDIT: He sent me a voice note an hour after the original text when he could have just called. I’m annoyed
EDIT: yes, some folks don’t like phone calls. But this guy has called me to sort out plans before, and I am a girl he likes (?) and was asking for a quick call – it doesn’t seem unreasonable to me…
45 comments
Hmmm. Maybe someone else is sleeping in his bed at night?
Is his name Jason? I had almost the exact same thing happen very recently with a guy I had been dating for about a month and a half. I decided that I was no longer going to give him the time of day because I clearly wasn’t a priority for him and if he wanted to actually make an effort, he would have. Basically if it’s not a hell yes, just consider it a no and move on. Less headache and heartbreak that way
You’re entitled to feel how you feel, and want what you want (so don’t think you’re overreacting). Have you discussed communication preferences? I would feel hurt myself, but is he just not a phone call guy?
Because being on a call is a time commitment. He cuts the call off early and you’ll be upset. If it goes too long, he’ll feel he’s not taking care of his priorities. Did you let him know it would only be a quick 2-minute call?
He sounds like me. Not everyone enjoys talking on the phone. Incompatibility with communication is a thing.
I hate talking on the phone. I rarely answer it when it rings.
Hmm yeah why is this making me think that he’s married?
I used to love talking on the phone as a kid, then I had a girlfriend for about two years she would mandate we talk every night for hours. Needless to say that it burned me out and now unless your house is burning down either text or come over and let’s speak in person.
He’s with someone else.
Tbh, I was briefly dating a guy like this. It annoyed the hell out of me. I’d tell him I couldn’t text because I was doing something, but he could call or video chat, he’d just send another text. That’s fine if you’re anti-phone, but it wouldn’t be for me. Like, why can’t you ever call me? It’s not like we have to talk for hours, but if you want to talk to me while I’m cooking dinner or working or something, you’ll have to call. Otherwise, you have to wait. We would have been incompatible, so I’m okay that we left it because I would have eventually, been unhappy about it.
Oh boy..I predict you are going to get crushed OP as according to Reddit texting is more important than in person interaction and way more important than phone calls.
For me, id stop replying to his texts and just call him
Edit: Agree with the people who say that he likely has someone else as well.
Not one phone call ever? That would be an issue as I like to hear a voice. It is still early on but if you are seeing each other that frequently I cannot imagine not wanting to hear the other person’s voice.
I prefer to text than call unless I’m extremely familiar with someone, even if texting takes a longer time. It doesn’t mean I’m trying to keep someone at arm’s length – just that it takes A LOT more energy for me to call than text and I especially dislike spontaneous calls. I call friends but will set aside a fixed time well in advance so I know and prepare myself for it.
It’s totally ok for you to prefer calling and for him not to like it – it really doesn’t mean anything about how he feels towards you, and as the relationship progresses, he may naturally feel more comfortable talking on the phone.
Just tell him that you prefer to call and are wondering why he doesn’t, and ask whether that feels more tiring for him and if it’s a preference thing etc. don’t immediately jump to conclusions or sabotage something over an incompatibility that can be resolved.
I hate talking on the phone but I will text all day long
Does he have family at home or another partner? even for someone who hates talking, 2 mins is too short. and text only is a biiiit of a caution
Similar thing happening to me. Been connected to this guy, second time ( things didn’t go well initially and didn’t pursue). This time we started off well, lived literally in the same building so never established how much to talk/ text, met a few times briefly.
Then he had his parents over, didn’t meet much, and he moved to a new place 20 mins away.
Now its like, we dont meet enough, hardly twice in 10 days with lots of planning struggles and back and forth.
As it was never established how much we have to stay connected.
And still its like, if I call instead of text, he doesn’t pick up or revert through later that he is outside with friends or had slept. He texts most times otherwise to, unless really at the time of meeting to coordinate.
I just directly asked him that communication is little off ( with some more issues we had) but believe me it didn’t help. And i end up feeling he thinks I need to stay connected more than him!!
And in general I am a quite person. But I expect bare minimum communication with someone if we are pursuing for settling down.
So, imo, express once, Or instead suggest, if he thinks he wants to or can talk, then he would. Else you can’t really force it.
I am still feeling hanging in lol.
As someone who hates phone calls, the exception for me is if I’m into someone, I want to hear their voice. Sounds like you’re his extra gf. Not his main woman.
I personally don’t like calling. The girl I’m seeing right now doesn’t like texting. Unsure if this a serious incompatibility or just a trivial thing
I generally feel very uncomfortable on the phone (can make me very anxious) but after that many dates talking on the phone shouldn’t be so bad.
Its okay to feel disappointed and annoyed. I think at some point you may need to express those feelings, and see if he is more willing to make an effort to talk on the phone at some point.
I’m sorry some people like myself are just not phone call people… I actually get kinda put off by it myself :/
Excuse. He just doesn’t want to. Him sparing two minutes before you go to bed shouldn’t be a hassle at all.
I ABSOLUTELY hate talking on the phone. And it’s never just a “quick call.”
I think both can be true: he dislikes talking on the phone, he is keeping you at arms length/not willing at this time to do something he dislikes to appease.
I also hate to talk on the phone. I forgot how.
I get nervous. I communicate better by texting but I can also talk on the phone, kind of. I know some people can only text. That’s it. It’s a sign of the times. I get it.
You should definitely read this
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-you-should-be-wary-of-any-man-that-is-reliant-on-text-messaging-email-and-instant-messenger/
I can’t stand talking on the phone. It makes me antsy and feels like a waste of time and I resent the person on the other end because I can’t keep doing the things I was trying to do whereas I could if we were exchanging texts. I feel like a hostage of sorts on the phone where I can’t do the things I need to. It’s very possible that he is similar and feels closer or more comfortable via texting. If I have enough time to devote my focus on someone else who is local, I’d go see them in person. Of course there’s the possibility it could mean he’s married and hiding something but if he’s busy with work, there’s a damn good chance he needs to focus on work stuff and can’t spend time on the phone just because. If all else is indicative of a strong relationship, pay attention to that. Based on what you’ve said, it sounds like he has healthy boundaries as far as focusing on work during the week and communicating that need to you and then making time to spend significant amounts of time with you when you do get together.
I hate calling lol, especially after working all day
My bf and I live an hour away from each other and only see each other on weekends. We text during the day and evenings but I need to have a phone call mid week or so to feel/stay connected. We discussed that & it’s been a huge help. You’re absolutely not asking too much. And if it’s too much, he’s just not the right one.
Usually, someone would say upfront that they don’t like talking on the phone
It’s possible he has an avoidant personality, based on some previous trauma (childhood instability, a bad breakup, picked on as a child, etc). It’s a sort of automatic reaction, when you start to get closer to people, you feel suddenly insecure, and to protect yourself you withdraw. Most people don’t really know it’s happening to them, and just seem detached, or jerks.
Or he could just not like texting, as many other people have said.
Is he an introvert?
If he’s an introvert id say talking on the phone takes energy he wont feel like he has that late in the day.
If hes an extrovert id wonder if he had something to hide.
Good luck.
Some people just don’t like to talk on the phone, the best thing is to talk to him about it and see if yall can maybe land on a compromise.
Any chance he could be married? That could also explain it. Just a thought.
But talk to him because you could be jumping to conclusions on why he doesn’t like to talk on the phone; its ok that your preference is differences and maybe he might be able to compromise a bit.
Sounds like he’s cheating or incompatibility. It sucks but phone time is non-negotiable for me so it means I may miss out on opportunities but I won’t be happy keeping someone around if we only ever text. I don’t feel like I can really get to know someone through text.
I’ve dealt with this same situation. I’m 36 and it’s incredibly frustrating and plants seeds of doubt… like he’s hooking you but not willing to commit. My gut said he was keeping me at arms length and I was right!! He liked me but if he’s on the phone with me then he can’t be texting the other girls he was doing the same thing too. It’s sleazy. In my opinion, if he really likes you he’s going to love hearing your voice. In the words of Lauryn Hill: “it could all be so simple, but you’d rather make it hard”. You have to decide at some point what you’re willing to put up with. Being on the phone with someone special is so intimate. If you can’t be open with me in that way, you aren’t going to go as deep as I’d like. That’s just me though.
He could’ve had a long day and doesn’t want to talk on the phone or he was with his other gf
Sounds like he lives with his girlfriend…
Sounds like me. I hate phone calls and get enough of them at work.
It sounds like you might be his mistress.
Your a mistress…not a girlfriend.
I don’t think its that complicated. Just imagine you where him and in what circumstances it would be beneficial to only be available (for calls etc) in the weekends..?
I am also not a’phone call person’ but you don’t get to know someone if you life apart together and you only want to be temporary available. Whats the real reason behind? In what stage are you in of this relationship? Are you clingy? Is he keeping it at a distance all the time? Did he explain the tempo he prefers to proceed in? If its mutually agreed on you should give him time to process and adjust.
If he keeps holding things back and he doesnt make sense to you urs most likely a situation when he already has another thing going on like a household or affaire under ‘normal’(mo till fri) midweek circumstances. In thatsituation This guy is leading a double life obviously and its up to you if you want to play a side role in the story.
‘Temporary available people’ are scheduled only on the weekends for a reason, if you figured that out and accept the obvious its not that difficult. The question is, do you want to play a role in it or move on
Not calling does not equal not liking eachother… probably is a huge chore to listen to you when his body and mind are shutting down for the day…would you get upset if he expected an email from you every morning…just my 2¢
Actually, a lot of people don’t like calling. Personally, living with a roommate right now and other nosy people text provides more privacy. As someone with anxiety 😟 phone calls make me nervous and takes time for me to accommodate.
My boyfriend loves when I take a call on a night we’re not together, but for me it’s a bit of a hell. I’ve spent all day physically talking to people, I want to wind down and not hear my own voice for a few hours so I do try and avoid a call if I can. Plus the mental energy it takes to concentrate on a phone call where as if I’m firing off some simple texts I can still be listening to music or watching a film.
I mean you can be offended or suspicious but to me it’s legitimate. I’d personally be content with voice notes I can listen to and respond when I want with zero pressure to uphold a conversation.
Hmm. I hate phone calls myself but I would make the effort for someone I was interested in (especially if we are getting to a six date stage). He sounds a bit lazy. The other possibility of course is he can’t call because his girlfriend is in the room.
This is pretty suspicious. He’s 35 so old enough to realize that there has to be some give. He could call once at least.
Honestly having been cheated on my jaded brain says this is shady. In my experience when someone refuses to call or pick up a call then they don’t want people on either side of the call to hear about each other. Maybe he’s in a relationship. Do you know about his personal life given you’ve been together 3-4 weeks?