Throwaway because I know I’m in the wrong and just have to get this off my chest.
I (F) love my fiance (M) (both mid-30s) very much. This would be my first marriage and his second. His first wife passed away a few years ago.
Had I known he was previously married and widowed, I never would have considered dating him. I know myself and I know it’s not something I would handle well. By the time he disclosed this information, I had already started falling for him. As our relationship progressed, I expressed my concerns to him about the situation. He would always assure me that everything was fine. The more I fell in love with him, the harder things became.
I know most people are wondering what could be so hard about being in a relationship with someone who lost a love. We all have a past, right? The thing is, when your SO dies, you never stop loving them. Despite the fact that my fiance tells me he LOVED his wife, past tense and wants to move forward. There is always this shadow over everything you do. Way too much information is shared. I know about their sex life, their marital problems, trips they took. When planning our wedding, there are frequent mentions about “my wedding” from fiance. Gifts from his first wedding are proudly displayed throughout our house. He has her wedding/engagement rings in a drawer next to the bed we sleep in together every night.
And the thing is, I get it. What is he supposed to do? Throw things out? Never mention his late wife? I understand that the pain and trauma he has experienced far outweighs anything I am feeling. But I also know myself and I know I can’t spend the rest of my life with this shadow over me, wondering if I am always going to be second place in his heart.
27 comments
You can think that way, but something tells me that maybe he didn’t give himself enough time to grieve his wife when she passed. If you can’t see yourself spending the rest of your life with him, you know what to do.
Following
The thing about deceased spouses, they can do no wrong. She will never nag, fart, or get fat. She sets an impossible standard of perfection, which no living breathing mortal can possibly live up to.
Bluntly, you should have bailed the day you found out.
It’s not too late to bail now
I myself could not do this.
You’re right. Widower relationships are not for the faint of heart. They are extremely complex and difficult to navigate. That being said, you need to talk through your feelings with your fiancé before you get married.
And it would probably be a good idea for you to seek some therapy as well as couples therapy for you and your fiancé. I’m not saying that as a dig, but you’re in a very tricky situation that very few people have experience with. Hallmark movies paint widower relationships in such a glowing light, when in fact they can be very tough for all involved.
And for the record, it sounds like you and your fiancé need some boundaries as well. In no way should he be talking about his sex life with another woman. A lot of the other behavior is questionable too, but I’m no expert.
You have to let him go, then. It’s unhealthy for both of you, and honestly he shouldn’t be trying to marry again when he’s still so obviously attached. It almost feels like he’s just trying to fill the void of that loss with your marriage, like he’s not seeing it for what it truly is and just pretending he’s gaining back what he wish he could have. You need to trust yourself and your gut feelings. This isn’t an ultimatum between you two, the simple fact of the matter is he’s not over it yet. He’s too close to the blast zone to see how much damage was actually done, but he’s not willing to take a step out of it yet. He might say and feel like he’s ready, but until he can put those rings somewhere harder to reach, he’s not truly ready. It took me 5 years to get over an ex, and the whole time I kept everything from him in a box under my bed (even while in relationships). It wasn’t until last year, when I finally just threw it out, I realized I was genuinely done this time. You don’t know how deep a wound goes until you take a step back far enough to see the full depth of its scar. I’m not saying leave him, but definitely break the engagement before it’s too late.
He is sharing too much with you. It isn’t respectful. I think you guys need to see a premarital counselor and you need to speak up about these feelings. These feelings of being compared are completely valid. Your fiancé is allowed to grieve his ex-wife but he should keep your feelings in his mind as well. Hopefully the third person perspective of a therapist will help him see how difficult he makes your relationship when he over shares intimate details about his past marriage.
Starting now I think you should call him out right in the moment when he starts over sharing. Start training him on how to respect you. Maybe say something like.
“I know you loved your late wife, but when you share these intimate detail about your relationship with her with me it makes me feel like you are comparing us and it makes it so that I cannot truly be myself in a relationship with you because I feel like I am being judged against her. I’m here for you but these intimate details are driving me away emotionally. Please do not tell them to me.”
Be consistent with this response whenever he says something that makes your stomach lurch. Eventually he will get the message or he will get irritated with you for ‘not playing along’. If it’s the later you know he doesn’t value your feelings like a husband should.
It sounds like you both love each other a lot. You want to be there to listen and understand him, and he wants to vent about things that hurt him to you. It sounds like therapy would be best for you both, individual therapy. He needs to learn to heal, and you too. I can only imagine your situation by putting myself in both of your shoes. I empathize with you, I too don’t know if I could be with someone who lost their love. He needs to learn what things are appropriate to say, and if he needs to discuss something with you that is inappropriate, you have the tools to communicate and cope afterward. This will be a forever battle, it will be a lot of tough love and listening. You and I can only imagine how he feels. Imagine losing him the way he lost her, and being him. I know you do this because you completely understand him. He needs to do that with you, now. He needs to think about how YOU feel, instead of only thinking about making his pain subside. I think you both 100% can overcome this, as the key to success is true love, trust, and dedication, after some time working with this, it will feel better. Give therapy a shot and if you both are willing to communicate in a healthy manner, then I really think you guys will overcome this and grow a lot together. I wish you nothing but the best!!
> I know I’m in the wrong
After reading all your comments, it turns out that no, no you aren’t. He is.
Unless he shares that info to let you know about his general past experiences, this is too much. Example:
– hey, I’d rather you avoided doing X thing when arguing because I know from my past that I cannot handle that style of problem-solving
vs.
– Ugh, Ellie always argued with me! Could you imagine?? (goes into irrelevant detail)
For the “your wedding” –> this could actually be because in his mind he already fullfilled his dream wedding and now wants to focus on what you want. This is obviously the most optimistic ( and still somewhat oddly phrased) way of looking at it.
1) If you knew this was a dealbreaker how did you get so far down the road to engagement without breaking up?
2) I think the lack of boundaries in communicating to you about his previous sex life (?) and such is a bigger issue than the fact that he was married previously. If he was telling you these things about a not-dead ex girlfriend it would be just as inappropriate.
It feels like overall communication and expectations are off, but I’m not sure this is widower-specific? Not trying to invalidate your feelings btw or say you gotta marry this guy or something but should you move on from this relationship then I’d just be cognizant of these issues in future relationships. Best of luck!
Hi OP, sorry this is something you’re dealing with and I have no doubt I’ll get obliterated in the comments for this but I wonder if we are even the right sub to be asking. Is there a r/widoer or r/widow sub that is full of people who have lived through what you’re living through? I would want to hear from those that have navigated like waters. Maybe some of those who have responded have, but it doesn’t read that way in their response. Actually it sounds like several are just throwing peanuts from the cheap seats. I’ve been married 21 years, but have never walked a day in your shoes so while I wish you the best, I wonder if the collective “us” are the best to be taking advice from. Just my humble opinion.
This is a emotionally complicated situation. You don’t have to cancel the wedding but some therapy might be in order.
Know yourself well enough to know what you can’t do. This is sad, but it doesn’t make you a bad person or anything. Just be gentle as you can
I lost a romantic partner and it was brutal (granted, not a spouse) and I dated someone after who was deeply hurt by my past. I do not blame the new partner, but I also cannot expect to throw out everything and pretend like my past never happened. We ended up breaking up because he just could not wrap his head around it, and that is completely fair and I understood.
I usually don’t directly tell people to leave a relationship, but just from the way you worded your post, I really think you should consider it. Those difficult feelings are not going to get better over time, and your wedding should not cause you this kind of anxiety.
After reading the thread, I think the kindest thing you can do that’s the most healthy for you both is to call it off and separate.
He’s not healed, he’s dumping all of his past on you. He needs to do that on his own. Maybe there’s a future for you down the line somewhere, but marrying now seems like a bad idea.
How long ago did he lose his first wife?
How long were you dating before he told you this, and how the hell did he hide it if his house is basically a shrine to her memory?
Can you move into a new home, one that is for the two of you, that he didn’t share with her?
Did he get help (therapy, support group, anything) after she passed away?
Was her death expected? Like an illness? Or was it some type of accident or something?
I keep feeling that you have been used as a replacement instead of a therapist, but only the sharing part not the moving forward part.
He is not listening to your concerns, he isn’t respecting your needs and he even chooses to be defensive and blame you.
I understand that this is hard but you had doubts and you have proved those doubts to be factual issues that he is not willing to address. I don’t see a way to resolve this without his agreement and awareness on his part.
Don’t be his therapist.
I was the widow in this situation, you’re not wrong for how you feel. I can honestly say it took me about 10 years to fully let go of the pain and truly move on in my heart. I was in a relationship during that time, and while it was unfair to him, he was also an abusive AH, so the relationship was never truly going to go the distance. I’m 25 years past his death now, and I can honestly say I’ve been over it now for about 15 years, and am truly deeply in love with my fiancé now. I don’t really have advice for you, because I’m not sure anything could have changed my grief either. I didn’t throw him in my partner’s face often, or at all really, but it was necessary to talk about him because my oldest son was just a baby when his dad died. I had to be able to let him know who his dad was. I don’t know if raising his child prolonged the grief for me. It’s possible. But if you can’t deal with his grief, that probably only time will eventually heal, then you should probably at least postpone the wedding. Maybe grief counseling for him, and couples counseling for you both to see if there’s a way forward that doesn’t damage either of you?
Have you talked to him about it? He’s getting married to you. It’s absolutely fair to ask that at least some of these things be put away.
I lost a former partner – we weren’t married – but I have a few things of his and a pic out. My mom was married to my dad for 54 years, and she may have processed things more than your fiance has.
It’s not easy being with someone who has lost someone. It’s hard enough just moving into someone else’s home, and it’s not a shared space. What about getting a new home? Some place that’s just his and yours? A bed they didn’t sleep in together?
I’m really sorry, for you both. His pain doesn’t discount yours, though. 💖
Widow here, living with a widower. We both sold our marital homes and got our own. We have no photos of our spouses displayed. In short, we have moved on. We do mention our dear ones and are respectful on the anniversaries of our loss. I think you have TMI going on. The old life, while cherished, needs to be In it’s proper place. Which is not forefront. I don’t know how long it’s been since his wife passed or if he is processing in a healthy way. I met my guy 4 years after the fact. The grief brought me to my knees. Maybe some counseling will help you both. Good luck to you, and if you can’t do it, you can’t do it.PS I do have to tell you that in our current political climate, my late husband and I would have been at loggerheads. He was a Conservative and I am not. My new guy is like me. Lol I’ve thought about The Rolling Stones lyric, “ you get what you need “ more than once in this relationship. Couldn’t have asked for a better cellmate during lockdown.So maybe you are what your guy needs at this moment in time also.
This is tough. Tough for him because when you lose someone like that, it wasn’t by choice. She was taken from him. Tough for you because of what you’ve said; that you feel like you’re living in her shadow.
However, his grieving process should be done prior to dating… anyone else. Has he ever gone to therapy himself? Therapy for both of you, together, would be good because he doesn’t seem to realize what he’s doing and how it really affects you. A third, unbiased party might help him see this.
You absolutely could have turned the ship around when he told you. You kept going. Now you’ve gone all this way with him. You have to communicate this to him and find a middle ground between his dead wife being a third wheel and pretending it never happened.
Or find a guy who has either no baggage or just not this kind of baggage.
My father lost his first wife, and my mother is his second wife. Mom calls her her “wife in law.” I always grew up knowing the love we feel for one person doesn’t lessen the love we feel for another. But you have to approach each as a different person with no comparison. But if it isn’t something you can handle — mentions of the first wife, being around some of her possessions, or if you can’t avoid mentally playing what-if about the past/present… then you should be honest with him and break it off.
Happily married people are highly likely to remarry rather quickly — I think some of that is they know how to be a good partner and appreciate what a spouse can bring to their lives. They’re more likely to appreciate every day and know things don’t always last forever, so you have to cherish them.
This all assumes he’s a good partner who doesn’t compare you with his first wife. Because it’s very important to be loved as your own person.
Yes, he should throw those things out and stop bringing her up. He needs to do it.
I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but life is harsh. No self respecting woman is going go be with him if he can’t let her go. Her death was a tragedy, but if she really loved him, she’d want him to move on.
You need to tell him that. It’s a shame she died, but your the one here now. If he can’t handle that, he’s not ready to remarry.
He needs therapy to help process his grief and you need/deserve good boundaries. It sounds like he has been emotionally dumping on you, and he needs to redirect that. He definitely wasn’t ready to get serious with you when he did, but it’s a little too late to dwell on that. If he isn’t willing to get help processing his feelings (and it sounds like he isn’t open to therapy based on your comments), I would seriously consider ending the relationship.
He’s not over her.
It sounds like he would benefit from grief therapy.
He should have disclosed that he’s a widower early on in the dating stage (like date #2). He didn’t. He strung you along. He waited until you fell for him to drop this bomb on you (this would be a deal breaker for many). He’s been manipulating since you started dating him.
He admitted to you he wasn’t fully ready when he started dating you.
Listen to that nagging feeling at the back of your head and in your gut. It will save you from a life of misery. You know what you should do but you’re not doing it because you love him. But you fell in love with him because he lied by omission. This is a relationship that would never have gotten to this stage if he was honest with you. Listen to what your gut is trying to tell you.
Being a widower doesn’t automatically mean knowing the details of their sex life nor the house being scattered with their wedding presents. These things are very odd and have more to do with him in particular than widows or widowers. You knew this about him yet you let it get to the point where you are engaged and now it becomes a dealbreaker. You haven’t been honest with him or yourself.