I’m a 33 year old independent female. I have a great job, I think I’m decent looking, people say I’m friendly and trusting, etc. However, when it comes to dating, I’m always #2 and I don’t know why.
Yesterday, I had a married coworker (33m) text me. I know he’s had a crush on me since before he got married. I’ll catch him staring, he’ll come up to my desk to ask dumb questions, flirt, etc. He always tries to get things to progress further. He even lied/hid his engagement from me for 6 months! I know he has no intention of leaving his wife because we’ve been working together since before he married her and he wouldn’t have gone through with marrying her if he truly wanted something with me. So I feel like he wants to make me just the OW.
Then, my ex (32m) from high school messaged me out of nowhere on Facebook and tried to get me to have phone sex with him. He’s married with two kids!!
These are two recent examples, but why does this keep happening? Does anyone have any advice? I’m 33 and am tired of this. I want to get married and start a family, but I apparently keep attracting the wrong guys and don’t know what I’m doing wrong!
30 comments
the real question is why you give these dudes your time if you want to be more?
EVERYONE meets people who wont commit. but if thats not what you want you need to shut them down and move on.
Because you don’t have boundaries
Could be something that you do that makes them think you’re an “easy target”
Ignore and don’t encourage these types of things or you are pinning yourself to that role.
Man this stop the moment you are very clearly rejecting them, and then in your circle share the story.
Eg.
To the men: “thanks but not interested as you have a wife. If you will continue being weird about my no internet it may be best to cut the friendship fully.”
Then in your circle just drop this info here and there: “nothing says loser in a men than when he tried to reach me and he has a wife or fiance, so disrespectful towards the wife…. They are losers.”
Word will get around that you are not the type to accept such behavior, and that’s it. Unless you are openñy flirting with these men on the side, the issue will solve itself once you make it loud that you are not interested in men in their situation.
Don’t give them the time of day and don’t keep entertaining those kind of men. Set clear boundaries and stick to them.
Something about you that attract these types of guys, and I’m sorry to say that. It doesn’t necessarily mean the way you dress or anything physical but have you treated yourself right? Have you talked to yourself about what kind of men/relationship you want and worked on building a mindset for it? If you do, you won’t allow guys like them to even get closer to you. It’s all about the inner you that draw you to some specific kind of people.
I hate to tell you this but a lot of men are straight up trash and opportunistic. First off you’re pretty. Second you’re friendly and open so guys see that as an opening to talk to you which gets the ball rolling to initiate if you’re open to sex. I hope you reach out to their spouses and out them.
Remove yourself immediately from these situations. You don’t have to play someone else’s game if you don’t want to. You don’t even have to be polite about not wanting to be involved. As far as meeting someone, I’m not sure. Organically is the way to go
I don’t think you should be worried about why you attract those types of guys, because they are opportunistic and will try with anyone.
What you should think about is why you seem to entertain them. You said a married man continues to flirt with you and tries to progress things with you, and it doesn’t seem like you’re doing anything to stop it. Your concern seems to be that he won’t leave his wife for you. Set some boundaries. Don’t be that woman and you won’t get treated like that woman.
because the men you mentioned are dogs, it’s not you
I have men who’ve acted this way towards me too- I also had a coworker who would be trying to be extra friendly with me while he was married/ his marriage ended up falling apart and it’s awkward as we are cool but he ended up drunk texting me hearts and how he thinks I’m a queen and wanted to go to the movies together. Like others have said, I’m like you and friendly and have realized you do have to shut down this type of behavior / be less friendly to those who don’t deserve it also so you can redirect the good energy towards men who deserve it. Now with my coworkers, esp with that one in particular who I still have to work with, I try to make it clear I won’t settle for just anyone esp not a man who can’t treat me financially 🙂 I feel I was younger and naive before and tolerated too many behaviors from men I shouldn’t have – like “send me a picture” or basically them trying to get what they want with little effort. Either way i agree with some responses here to just shut down men immediately who aren’t worth your time / do not respond or engage. I’d make it clear you are on being WIFEY and not taking anyyyy shit in between!
There are a lot of crappy men and you happened to ran into two of them.
That said, you need to have boundaries and be firm with it. For example, it sounds like your married colleague texting you is repeated behavior (it shouldn’t be). It’s not too late to make it clear to him that he has no business messaging you outside of a professional capacity; and shut down any inappropriate behavior as soon as it comes up going forward.
You have weak boundaries. These people shouldn’t be entertained and they know it. They’d not dare do this to someone who would put them on blast or tell their SO
They are, sadly, just the lowest common denominator of guys delusionally confident enough to approach you. Make it clear you aren’t interested and, hopefully, that’ll lean towards dissuading future attempts. But really, you’ll always have to deal with it to some extent, just like I have to learn to discern from women looking just for money. The majority of women don’t only care about money, but the majority of “easy” women definitely seem to, and I think it works the same way with men and just wanting sex or anybody just wanting to use anybody for anything.
You’re just a publicly single woman. Men only know so many women so if they’re looking for more, they’re going to hit you up. Other guys will too but you’ll want to look in places where you share interests with other people. Coworkers and people messaging you on facebook are bottom of the barrel anyway.
In the meantime send the screenshots to their partners. Consequences are in order.
I think the men you are dealing with are treating you like an object for their pleasure because you haven’t established a boundary with them. The married guy flirting with you at work needs to know you are not interested in being his OW. Don’t let him flirt with you. He’s married. He needs to act like it. Same with your ex. In fact, why not block him?
You have mentioned the situations (or at least two examples), but have not talked about how you handle them. What your interactions with those people are. If you’re rejecting them outright and in a very clear way or if you’re just playing along without actually doing anything with them.
all women endure this. perhaps don’t be quite so friendly with the married men, they may be interpreting your friendliness as flirtation.
If you entertain it in the slightest way- you’ll keep getting these types of men. Those are immediate block situations. How do you put yourself out there on social media and dating apps (etc)? In my experience you’ll get this kind of attention with the overly independent woman vibe or by posting sexy (beach/ bikini type selfies on instagram. I got this kind of attention like that. When pulled back a bit, stopped posting about being single and got a bit more conservative about my online image that kind of attention stopped and more quality men came around and I became more of a girlfriend material rather than a second option. I don’t think that’s the answer a lot of women want to hear this is my personal experience and my opinion.
Dont entertain them.
Try &keep shit at work professional. No point in exchanging numbers with coworkers who are taken. And if u do need their number for work then keep the convo work related in decent hour of the day. If they message u at night time and its not work related…. then u might be accidently giving them the wrong vibe thinking they just wanna be friends
I also dont follow ex’s on social media once its over its over
Set boundaries and be prepared to leave if they don’t respect you
You say that you are all of these great things and then some married coworker is texting you. Turn him down and block him. Keep it strictly professional.
Block your ex too.
The reason these married guys are texting you is because you aren’t rejecting them out of hand. Giving them even a small window of opportunity is terrible.
Would be really useful if you could see the gender of the commenters here… i daresay a lot of the people who say it’s somethibg about you that attracts these situations are male redditors who have zero experience with this.
As a woman, those things happen, it’s not a you-thing, it’s a them-thing.
There are men who will just have a go at it, and if you speak to the women around you who also know him, you might be surprised to see that they were also approached by the same guy. But these approaches will only happen once (per creep) if you immediately and definitively set boundaries.
If it’s an ex, chew him out, let him know it disgusts you that he would try it on with you while married and that you’d rather gargle acid.
If it’s at work, you might have to be more tactical, maybe pretend you thought they were joking, but be firm: “listen, these kinds of jokes aren’t funny. I am not going to run to HR right now, but seriously, even in jest, that’s inappropriate in the workplace. Maybe tell me a knock knock joke next time.”
That’s my two cents, and I hope you won’t let this get you down.
Simple solutions I can recommend you do and take seriously from independent female in our 30s to female:
1. If these men you know try to be inappropriate, you shut them down immediately. Do not entertain them. You block them! If you want to inform their spouse about this then that’s your decision. Their husbands are cheaters and you aren’t the only one they’re trying to get sexual with…
2. They may be coming onto you for various reasons; possibly that they think or you come off as having low esteem or don’t seem confident (not confident to turn them down as well), they might see you as a target, they might view you as not as smart to see past their lies. Try to bring up your confidence and self esteem, talk to yourself and carry yourself with confidence and assertiveness. If these jerks see you as a confident assertive woman they won’t think they have a chance.
3. I would definitely consider try meeting some new people organically! Forget these guys you have ties with (ex and coworker). Attend some local events, Meet Ups, speed dating, Group classes of any kind (art, cooking, dance, volunteering, yoga, chess, anything!). The more you put yourself out there and make new friends then you have a better chance of meeting new friends which can less to meeting someone to date. But some go into it with expectations. Go into it with no expectations so you aren’t disappointed, so then you can focus on the present and uplift your life. The more you grow your social circle and keep busy the better will happen to you overall!
As someone else said, remove yourself immediately. If you are talking on an app and a guy asks you to come to his house on date 1 – unmatch. If he says he “wants something casual” tell him Im good thanks, delete and move on.
If a married coworker flirts – ignore.
If an “ex” who just wants likely sex reaches out – block them/delete the text and ignore
Only accept invitations for a real date with men.
Like someone else said, every woman deals with men seeking out sex from them only – and its about the guy not you. I used to think I was being personally victimized too. The truth was I was entertaining an old “fwb” from college for many years after because I had feelings for him and we got close. He never once took me on a real date, slept with other girls. would not commit etc despite saying otherwise, was emotionally abusive. After him I finally moved on, and met 2 other guys who took me on nice dates but then told me they wanted casual with me then committed to other girls. It really got me down and made me wonder whats wrong with me. The reality is I was willing to stick around once they told me they didn’t want something serious because I already liked/slept with them.
About a month ago I met a good guy who wants to commit to me, introduce me to people in his life, doesnt pressure me into sex, treats me like a princess and is just so caring. Unfortunately due to other factors I ended things. I still didn’t end up with him, but it provided me with a new barmometer of what is normal and acceptable in dating. It proved to me a man of value who has a good career, good morals will commit to me and its not me who is the problem its the behaviour I was tolerating down to low self worth. I will say that with new guys, I now try not to mention guys who treated me poorly in the past. With the two guys who wanted something casual after taking me out, I did mention my abusive ex. I found it lowered my value in their eyes sadly and showed them Id stick around if treated poorly. I found the first two guys I mentioned tried to sniff out/pry about past guys whereas the more respectful gentlemanly guy did not even ask because I guess to him, it doesn’t matter. And I am sure if the relationship continued I could have confided in him, but I don’t think it’s good to lead with how poorly men have treated you in the past.
So most likely it’s your taste in men or you, I can tell you right now the independent female line is already a turn off. Like you’re doing what adults are suppose to do.
You need to be more assertive and confident. Your power is yourself. It’s not about being cocky, it’s about setting healthy, firm boundaries. You’ll attract what you project as an energy.
You seem like an overall catch and you mention friendly and trusting. For shitty men this can make you a target. They know better than to try that nonsense with a confrontational loudmouth bitch because they will nip it in the bud, out them, and expose them for the trash they are. They figure with you, worst case is their advances get ignored or politely declined. Maybe just add in some firmness and let them know you mean business and won’t entertain their bs. It sucks but in life you need to be able to turn on that asshole switch sometimes to let people know you mean business, because they will test you.
“I’m a 33 year old independent female” you answered your question with your first sentence