I want to start by saying I love my boyfriend, but I’m at my wits end. We both live at home in our parents homes. We are planning on moving out together in May/ June but my red flag radar is going off. We’ve been together for almost 6 years, but his hygiene has taken a dive. He lives with his cousin and the environment is disgusting:
-white tub is full of black mildew which neither he or his cousin clean
– bathroom is overall dirty
-he’s had 3 separate dirty used Tupperware’s and containers in his room for at least 6 months that are growing mold. We end up arguing when I bring it up.
-he doesn’t wash his hair regularly or brush his teeth well.
– I’ve had to adjust how I cuddle with him because his hair stinks
– he keep’s extremely large dirty piles of clothes that stink up his room
– his sheets stink too. Once he got bodily fluids on the sheets and legit didn’t change them for 5 weeks
I want us to work out, but need advice on how to tell him I can’t deal with the lack of hygiene. I want to give him an ultimatum because if he doesn’t change before May I can’t get an apartment with him. He used to be so clean when we met, but doesn’t care anymore. Last time I was over I told him I wasn’t interested in any intimacy. I didn’t tell him why but when I went to the bathroom, the state of it turned me off. How do I change him? He’s not depressed either, so he says.
14 comments
You don’t need to change him, he needs to change himself. Let him realise you find him disgusting.
I think you need to tell him in a kind but straight way. You could say ‘ I love you but your lack of good hygiene is now a problem as it’s affecting how I feel about you’. You can’t change him as such, only he can do that.
I nope the hell right out of this relationship.
If the dive in his hygiene is more recent, it could be the symptom of a broader problem like stress, depression and general lack of coping in his life. The tidiness of someone’s living quarters is often linked or representative of the functionality of their mind and broader life. Try to identify the cause of the drop in hygiene first (for example it is symptomatic of something else, or does he simply no longer care to make effort anymore now that he feels he’s got you in the bag?) before you bring up anything like ultimatums.
Is he depressed?
~~How can~~ I (30f) need to dump ~~get my~~ (31m) boyfriend because of ~~change~~ his nasty hygiene habits~~?~~
Fixed it for you. Unless you are his personal caretaker you cannot do anything unless he wants to make changes. He’s old enough to know better and if I’d be you, I’d dump him. In this case love isn’t enough and won’t fix it.
For your own well-being (mentally, emotionally and physically) get out.
Ew, girl, no. You fix this by getting a better boyfriend.
Why are you so worried about hurting his feelings when he is regularly hurting yours with his lack of consideration for your comfort, safety, and happiness? This post might as well have said “My boyfriend’s home is a biohazard and I’m putting myself in danger of getting yeast infections and bacterial infections and breathing in mold every time I go over there, he smells so bad I can’t put my head next to his, and I want to run away screaming from his bathroom. How do I tell this 31 year old adult that he makes me feel bad every day without making HIM feel bad?”
>How do I change him?
At over 30?
You can’t… so don’t waste your time trying…
If he used to be clean then I also wonder if this isn’t a symptom of a deeper rooted issue.
You say it’s taken a dive so it wasn’t like this before? Has anything changed in the past few months? Is he depressed?
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time – Maya Angelou
It’s been six years and you haven’t talked to him about his hygiene? What guarantee do you have that if he does shape up and start cleaning (he won’t), he won’t go back to being his usual gross self once you’ve signed a lease and it’s even harder to leave?
This is the perfect time to admit this is a deal breaker and cut your losses. The household filth you could have gotten around by hiring a cleaner and having him agree to pay for it. But personal filth? This is how you get UTIs. It’s okay to want to date someone you aren’t repulsed by. Don’t waste another 5 years on this guy.
Just when Reddit commenters try to convince me that no one will date a dirty person, let alone being intimate. We get posters like this. 😔😔😔
>white tub is full of black mildew
Eww.
>he’s had 3 separate dirty used Tupperware’s and containers in his room for at least 6 months that are ___growing mold___
Oh, oh wow, _what?_
>his hair stinks
>piles of clothes that stink up his room
>didn’t change them for 5 weeks
And….you want to live with this when it seems just _seeing_ each other is a big enough problem?
>need advice on how to tell him I can’t deal with the lack of hygiene
You tell the guy, you can only put it so many ways.
“X, your personal hygiene makes a college frat-house (post-party) look like it’s run by clean queens compared to you – you fix this or we can’t live together”.
Or, not that blunt, but you get the drift. You cannot, surely, be thinking to conscience actually moving in with this guy while he’s like this, right?
You have no guarantee that this will improve, or that he’ll “change” – all the things you’ve listed so far are things that aren’t just under his control, they are _directly_ his responsibility and he won’t do them.
Heck, you said he _argues_ about the mouldy tuppaware?
Are you sure he isn’t maybe….depressed? Has some kind of mental health concern going on which is why things are like this?
You need to sit down and talk with him, period. Either things improve, he comes clean on what’s going on or….well I don’t even want to say the final choice here but if you can’t live together and he won’t change, _is_ that acceptable for you as a future and relationship?