Want to begin by saying that this is a weekly, sometimes every other day occurrence. My (30f) boyfriend (28m) and I have been together for four years, living together for one. I am a behavioral aide at a school and it has been a tough week for me- he knows all about this as well because I had a vent session with him about it yesterday when I got home. He works from home and hates it; he’s one of those people who needs to be active and doing things all the time and I know sitting at home all day wears on him- he has told me as much. This fact could be related to what I am posting about but I digress.
Anyway, after venting to him yesterday-telling him I was reallllly hoping for a snow day today- I got my wish! My alarm went off this morning and woke up to an email saying school was closed. So I was pretty happy about this, told him yay snow day (!!), turned off my alarms and laid my head down to go back to sleep. But then he says “why are you so happy right now when you’re usually never happy this early”? I told him because I was wishing for a day off after the week I had, what do you even mean? He responds with “well it *is* your *job*”.
I am sorry, am I not allowed to be happy about a surprise day off once in awhile? Am I allowed to be happy I can sleep in? I actually really love my work, but yes it is HARD WORK and exhausting some days, and no I am not a morning person so on a regular day getting up is a struggle. I just don’t even understand what his point was other than to make me feel as miserable as he does (he does not like his work, it is not fulfilling to him- he is a data analyst for a hospital network and tbh it is basically spreadsheets and zoom meetings all day).
This is not the first time he has done this pissing on my parade type of thing, not by a long shot, just the most recent example and I am getting really fed up. When I tell him he’s being a jerk he claims he didn’t mean it that way, I misunderstood him, etc. Then all of the sudden I’M the jerk for getting upset.
So Reddit, I need advice: is this something we can work on or is it just not worth it in your experience? Is it worth being in a fight or should I just let it go?
TLDR: my boyfriend often says things to bring me down (I think due to his own insecurities) and it really wears on me. When I respond with irritation then it turns into me being the jerk, and I can’t keep living my life fighting over such petty BS. Is this something we can work on or is it not even worth it?
4 comments
Never tolerate someone who doesn’t celebrate you. He is trying to bring you down. It is time to ask him if that is the only way he feels good about himself.
You’re dating a narcissist. Don’t know why you put up with this so long. Time to end it now
I think you need to let him know how much this is bothering you. The next time it happens and he gives excuses, say something like:
“It doesn’t matter if that’s not what you meant. It made me feel bad. You’ve done this several times in the past, and every time I tell you that it makes me feel bad, and yet you keep doing it. Are you going to stop doing it, or am I going to need to rethink the direction of our relationship?”
The last bit may be too far, depending on how much this is bothering you. But, he needs to know that this is actually really pissing you off, and that it could damage your relationship if he doesn’t cut it out.
Criticism about trivial rubbish is usually motivated by someone who is generally not happy with you.
Look at other parts of your relationship. Perhaps there is resentment for something that’s in your power to change (or discuss and redefine), or perhaps it’s a general “taking forever granted”.
Try to start paying attention to other parts of your relationship to see if this ill feeling comes from somewhere.