Dating a girl for almost 5.5 months. Both mid-20’s. The thing is she’s never had a bf before even though she’s had several casual relationships as she calls it. She said I’m the first guy she’s trying to date seriously.
Of note, back in Late October she defined our relationship as “dating and exclusive”. She also said that it would take a while (anywhere from 6 months to an year) for her to officially call me her bf because she takes a while to really like someone at that particular level.
However, at this point I’m unsure how to take this relationship to the next step or express my feelings with her. She seems a little afraid of commitment and a little emotionally unavailable. I don’t want to scare her away but I also want to gently advance this relationship. I was thinking of telling her “I love you” in the next several weeks before approaching the bf/gf topic again. Any advice?
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If you love her then you shouldn’t feel afraid to tell her. If she’s not as effusive as you are then you shouldn’t gush, I guess, but she deserves to know.
It’s not so much when you say it as it is how you say it. Make sure you are clear that her reciprocating isn’t expected. Make it about your feelings, not about what you want her to feel. This step is about how you feel not necessarily about how she does, so make sure you are prepared if she doesn’t respond positively.
You or she or both of you have way too many rules, and are overthinking things.
Be upfront about it, say it outright, but just be aware that you’re putting her on the spot when you do this. So if she hesitates or doesn’t react as positively as you want her too right away, don’t take it too hard. Say it once, so she knows, and then leave it alone for a while. If you let her think about things at her own pace she may say it back at a later date.
> She also said that it would take a while (anywhere from 6 months to an year) for her to officially call me her bf
I too have been in a relationship where she had me chasing this exact metaphorical carrot until the day she left me for someone else.
While nutting in her presence.
Fella, you SEE THE RED FLAGS. You are TELLING US THE RED FLAGS. (afraid of commitment and a little emotionally unavailable)
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Please don’t continue being this stupid. Your job when dating somebody is to VET them. Are they a good person, are they a good match for you, are they healthy people.
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It is NOT your job to fix them, or to chase them, or to try and convince them against their will, or to lure them, or to fool them.
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You are SEEING THE RED FLAGS.
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Get out before you get your heart broken.
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You’ve been warned.
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GL
If she’s really that good for you, it shouldn’t be so hard. These things can be stressful, but this is on a whole other level.
I wouldn’t tell her before you’re “officially” her boyfriend. Being in a relationship is a lot less serious than the L-word. But if the time comes, I would suggest not just spilling it out to her. Test the waters. Talk about it jokingly. Tell her (lightheartedly) that you’ve been having some L-word feelings, or that you feel like you’re in lesbians (if she’s familiar with Scott Pilgrim). Or maybe just tell her that she makes you so happy, means so much to you, etc. Basically anything that implies that things are heading in that direction without straight-up dropping the bomb. Gauge her reaction and go from there.
With my current gf, I did basically all of this stuff and got positive reactions, but I still felt a bit nervous. This made her more comfortable with the concept, though. Pretty soon, she asked me if she was allowed to tell me she loved me. Obviously this was received with a “FUCK YES.” I’ve also had relationships where this was a conflict. I’ve had one where the girl backed away in response. I’ve had one where the girl told me she loved me, apologized and said it just slipped out and that she didn’t mean it, then told me while breaking up with me that she did mean it but was scared. People overcomplicate this shit. It’s best to feel it out and approach it in baby steps.
The most important thing I can tell you is that you shouldn’t have to convince someone to be with you and shouldn’t have to feel nervous about telling them how you feel. Yes, I’ve had complicated experiences with this and I can tell you that none of them were right for me. The people I think were truly the best thing for me in those respective stages of my life made it easy as hell. You should really seek people who actively try to be with you, not people who need to be convinced.
You may have to just be confidant and upfront with it. Something you can say a nice dinner like “I’ve been enjoying our time together and I like how things are going. No rush at all but I’m ready to call you my girl/my lady. Once again, don’t stress out about it or overthink it. Just wanted to tell you where my head was.” You can leave it right there. You don’t have to make any extreme change in the way you carry yourself or anything but that’s just a way you can share your feelings.
I’d say, after she does.
But I’m no expert.
Remember that love (in my opinion) is a choice. Not a feeling.
Affection grows everyday for someone. That ooey-gooey feeling of wanting to snuggle up and kiss their stupid face . I love my wife. And my affection grows for her everyday. And so does my love. But there is a difference. Love is your ability to look at their puke and snot covered face and not be phased by it. I HATE vomit. It’s disgusting. But if my wife puked cause she is super sick and she’s crying. I’m wiping that puke off like a proud mother. Unfazed.
THAT is love. You CHOOSE to look past the gross shit and their weird barbie collection that kinda creeps you out because you see more than the weird little shit. You look past her inability to STOP LABELING EVERYTHING IN THE F**KING HOUSE because guess what mother f**cker , we are in this shit till death! I’m not going down alone! That’s love.
I HATE pickles….she loves them. When I go to the store and see pickles , I buy pickles cause I know she will inhale them like a sorority girl with a car payment. . .
Even though I hate them, I see them and no longer hate them because I just think “oh cool, she loves these’.
THAT is love, or at least my interpretation of it.