So we’re both bi men in a relationship. Both twenty and have been in a relationship for three years now. My boyfriend is really into LGBT culture, whereas I don’t care about it much. My friends are straight, I don’t really do typically gay things, and If I’m honest, I don’t know much about the culture.
My boyfriend, on the other hand, is the president of the LGBT club at school. He hosts events, he hands out fliers, he hangs out in a LGBT room that all the queers hangout in between classes, etc.
I’ve always been put off going, even though he clearly wants me to go. I said I don’t get it, it felt like a bunch of people making their sexuality their entire personality, and he said that’s not what it is at all. I also felt out-of-depth because the fliers he handed out talked about being agender, bi-gender, etc, things I have never heard of in my life. No shade, tho. Good on my bf for being inclusive or whatever.
So finally I ended up going because my boyfriend kept bugging me, and I was wrong. It was great. I was nervous about offending anyone, but my bf said I didn’t need to be, and he was right. Even when I accidentally assumed someone’s pronouns, realized what I did and apologized, they said it was fine and not to worry about it. No one got offended at off-color jokes, everyone was really cool and diverse and interesting and chill, not what I expected from being on twitter, honestly.
So everything was fine. Until one day I was in the LGBT room because I needed a quiet place to do my homework and several guys started talking about my bf, not realizing we were dating.
They were talking about how badly they wanted to have sex with him. Some guys saying they wanted to dominate him. The bottoms saying they wanted to be dominated by him. Then this guy was like, “I’m a top, and I never bottomed before, but if [my bf] wanted to I’d be the biggest power bottom, he is that pretty.” Another guy said, “We tops can all turn into verses when a pretty enough guy comes around.” Someone said, “Yup, everyone is a top until (my bf’s name) walks into the room, and suddenly we’re all whatever it takes to have sex with him.”
So you get it. Just like sexualizing my boyfriend. Talking about what he likes in bed. Saying he’s pretty, so he’s probably a pillow princess that does nothing in bed. Which I think was a joke/ribbing, but it still pissed me off.
They were sexualizing my bf. Right in front of me. He’s friends with these people too, I know he hangs out with these guys at LGBT events, and how am I suppose to be cool with that? One of them he always refers to as an otter, some slang I don’t know, so clearly they are decently close.
It really made me mad, and I told him he had to leave the club/group/whatever because I’m not comfortable with him hanging around people that clearly want to fuck him. He did not agree and thought his friends were just being “funny and silly.” He said asking him to leave was way too much, that I shouldn’t ask that from him when he loves being part of that club. He also admitted that he’d been told most of that to his face, and it wasn’t serious, that they knew he was in a relationship but always joked he was making me up because I’d never come by.
But I’m still just not cool with it. Sure, I’m kinda jealous but who wouldn’t be if people are talking about your SO like that? How am I suppose to be cool with that? I want to stake my claim and tell those people off, the ones sexualizing him, since he isn’t going to leave the club it seems. But I’m also worried that might be a bit much and I might upset him. Any advice? Am I being unreasonable?
TL;DR: Boyfriend is president of LGBT club. Heard people talking about wanting to have sex with him graphically and I want him to leave. He does not want to.
18 comments
Yea, you’re being super controlling and possessive.
Yes, you’re too controlling, and you’re being unreasonable.
Like, you’re not being even close to reasonable.
Your boyfriend has no control over who finds him attractive or not, and he is not responsible for other people’s sexual thoughts about him. The notion that he can’t socialize with people who would like to have sex with him means, ultimately, that he can’t have friends at all: because at any time, any friend could force him to hit the eject button by thinking completely normal thoughts.
I want to suggest a reframe. Some people would hear that a bunch of people thought their partner was hot, and their response was, “Damn straight. He IS hot, and he’s mine! How awesome am I!”
They’re not even doing anything particularly wrong. People are allowed to have conversations about who they think is hot. They may have veered a little outside the bounds of good taste as far as the specifics, but I suspect they’re well within the cultural norms for young gay men (based on the young gay men I’ve known).
Let it go.
I get being offended – they were grossly sexualizing their friend and your bf – but you have to let him make his own call on this and establish his own boundaries. Tell him you feel deeply bothered by the conversation you heard and more bothered that they say it to his face and ask that he establish boundaries with them. If he’s entirely unwilling to even hear you out, he might enjoy the attention, sure but I’m betting you’ll have a much higher chance for success with this tactic than a demand.
Unfortunately, it kind of comes with the territory.
>> I told him he had to leave the club/group/whatever because I’m not comfortable with him hanging around people that clearly want to fuck him
Honey, no. You don’t get to “tell” a partner they “have” to leave something they love because you feel insecurity. You are being totally unreasonable and asking him to solve your jealousy/insecurity problem by leaving, rather than you solving your jealousy/insecurity problem on your own. (My partner is very fckable even at his age, and I’m actually really proud that so many people find him that attractive.)
You’re controlling and possessive. Is it really so hard to believe you aren’t the only person who thinks your bf looks good?
If your boyfriend is attractive, then likely people are going to notice that and be attracted to him. What if someone in a class wants to fuck him? Should he drop that class? What about when he gets a job? Maybe you should cover him with a sheet so that nobody on the street gets any ideas.
You’re being absurd. You can’t ask him to cut off something that is so clearly important to him. You need to manage your jealousy.
I think you should be flattered. I think you may need to take a step back, breathe and look at it from another perspective. You got em, they want em but can’t have em. Now, things change if you notice he’s overly accepting of the compliments. Try exploring more with him and embrace his hobbies. There is no better feeling than taking something you love and enjoying it with someone you love.
So, they don’t know you are his boyfriend? Start with that. I am not saying that they would stop all talk of it, but they certainly would have been a lot less likely to go on and on in front of you like in your story.
But yeah, it is controlling to jump straight to telling him to leave the club, especially since you only started attending the meetings. BUT I do understand how startleing that would be to overhear.
People have different standards for how relaxed they think their partner should be when others express romantic/sexual attraction. He may feel that it doesn’t matter since he isn’t a cheater. It also may be a one-off thing. But I see how it would feel like disrespecting your relationship if some club members have a habit of sexualizing him to his face.
Yes you’re being too controlling. What others think of him is not your business or his for that matter. What matters is how he sees you and the boundaries of your relationship. You sound like you already had a bit of judgment about his likes before, and now you’ve found something else to dislike.
Let him have his hobbies and interests. You either trust him or not. if you don’t, end it. Don’t try to isolate him and prevent him from having a happy life because you’re so insecure that you have to isolate him to feel better about yourself.
some people will be attracted to your partners.
and you choose to punish your partner? wtf??
Honestly? I can understand being upset about this, but what I don’t understand is not speaking up and just… letting them continue?
“Hey, I realise you didn’t know this but I’m in a relationship with ___. I’d appreciate if you could tone it down.” would have cut that conversation down real quick tbh. Not only that, if someone’s partner caught me talking like that about them (they wouldn’t lol) and called me out on it I would be too embarrassed to EVER go back to that club again.
Don’t let your insecurities make you do something stupid that could lose him babe
I’m confused why you didn’t interrupt them and say that’s my bf your talking about, yes he is fine and he’s mine!?
Sorry, you are being controlling. In fact, asking him to step down from a club he is president of is a huge red flag, it seems like you are upset that there is a space he is excelling in socially and you want to isolate him.
Why not let him fight his own battles and establish his own boundaries? Why don’t you trust him to handle this situation as he sees fit? Why does it have to be done your way? Why is your first instinct to isolate him?
So here is where the difference between having boundaries and expectations in a relationship verses being controlling.
Many people have an expectation that their partner not associate with people who actively and openly want to F**k them. That’s something that is good to communicate. Sometimes peoples expectations are incompatible, and that is where compromise needs to happen, such as both parties agreeing on what the “rules” of their relationship would be. In what ways would they agree how to interact or not interact with people. That is something that both partners need to agree on.
Boundaries are less about the other person and more about how you are going to respond to them. So, for example, you might say that you don’t want to date someone who interacts with these people and that this is something that would be a deal breaker for you. If it is he is still free to interact with them but it would effect and possibly break your relationship.
It becomes controlling when you tell someone what they can and can not do. The decisions your boyfriend makes will have consequences. I don’t think you should feel obligated to stay in a relationship that doesn’t match your convictions on the subject and if you and your boyfriend have incompatible expectations that you cannot compromise on then that is a serious thing to talk to him about. The difference is that you should not control or demand that he behave the way that you want.
(A possible exception may be if he had made a commitment I could see an argument for it being valid to demand that he behave the way he promised he would. For example if he had committed to be in a monogamous relationship with you and then decided not to behave monogamously then I think it would be right to demand he behave according to his commitment. I think that promises and commitments are a HUGE deal and shouldn’t be made lightly.)
> One of them he always refers to as an otter, some slag I don’t know, so clearly they are decently close
So otter is basically a “category” of gay men based pretty much entirely off of looks, so you don’t need to know someone at all to call them an otter.
If there was a scale of body size and hairiness bears would be on one end (big and hairy), twinks would be on the other end (skinny and little to no hair), and otters would be in between. They are slim to average size and are either hairy or have some scruff. They can also be thought of as an edgier “guy next door” type, and it can also have to do with style/clothes as well as body type. None of these have like strict definitions, but the point is that it’s based off looks so it has nothing to do with how well you know someone.
EDIT: For full transparency this is incredibly simplified to get the point across. There are all kinds of variations in these communities
Why don’t you keep going, and as someone else mentioned, when someone does the same thing as you detailed tell them you don’t want to hear them saying that stuff about your boyfriend. Nicely though