I’ve always been extremely agreeable and conflict averse so I married someone strong willed and outspoken. She makes the decisions and I go along to get along. It was what I needed at that time in my life but the man I’ve grown into doesn’t want or need that anymore. In fact I resent it.
There are things I want to say and do but I don’t because I know they would annoy or upset my wife and I can’t take her being upset. She’s a control freak and has taught me over our eight years together how much she will put up with. She has clear boundaries, tells me what to do all the time and says no to me without feeling any guilt. I do what she wants thinking I’m serving her and she will owe me and do what I want the next time but the next time comes and she still says no.
I’ve been reading that marriages in which the wife is the leader both partners but especially the man are sexually frustrated. This is definitely the case. I don’t even ask most times when I want sex because my wife looks stressed, tired or just not into it. When we do it she just lies there and I do all the work. What I wouldn’t give for her to initiate once in a while and to do something intentional to enhance my pleasure.
I won’t divorce her, I promised for better or worse and it’s worse but I meant it and am not going anywhere but I regret marrying her.
Is it possible to change the power dynamic in a marriage?
27 comments
I don’t think it’s fair to be mad at someone for being who they are when you initially married them for that reason. You wanted that dynamic and your wife has been consistent with her personality throughout the marriage.
I also don’t understand how you can be upset with her over things you haven’t even communicated. You haven’t told her any of this, you never tell her what you want to do, and you never learned to say no. Why don’t you just try it instead of letting all this anger fester in your head? Stop assuming what her reaction will be.
To me, this sounds less like a relationship power dynamic issue and more like an opportunity for personal growth and improvement. When you learn how to be more assertive and firm with your boundaries, that will affect all the areas of your life, including the dynamic of your romantic relationship. This is work you can do on your own or even with the help of a psychologist. You don’t need your wife to participate.
You may want to see a therapist and read a lot about passive aggression, personal growth, and what it takes to have a healthy relationship.
Yes, it’s possible. First step, take complete responsibility and accountability for yourself. Be the assertive person you want to be. It is healthy to be assertive. You are responsible for you and your reactions and/or responses. Stop using her as an excuse.
Congratulations to your wife for upholding clear boundaries. She sounds awesome.
I don’t really have anything else to add to what has already been said but I don’t think that there should be a “leader” in a marriage. Me and my wife make mutual decisions.
So you married her because you needed someone powerful to lead you. Now you claim you want her to change because you’ve “grown”. No, you haven’t, you’re just sulking because you still feel weak but the novelty of hiding behind a strong woman has worn off, so now you want her to weaken herself and come down to a level you feel comfortable with.
I had to do a double take cause it sounds like you’re describing yourself as a child in a relationship with a parent, where you deem yourself powerless and voiceless. Sounds like you just never matured into an adult. Honestly only children have such unrealistic expectations like wanting someone (your wife) to read their minds.
>I’ve been reading that marriages in which the wife is the leader both partners but especially the man are sexually frustrated.
This was a red flag to me, so I checked your post history and…woo what a ride. Pro Abstinence, Pro Conversion Therapy, etc
If you want my personal opinion, it is quite the Catch-22 that Christians (especially Christian Women) spend their whole pre-married life being loaded with messaging that sex is sinful and dirty and bad. Then Christians (especially women) are expected to flip a switch once the ring is on the finger. That’s not how brains work.
I grew up in a very sex-positive home. Conversations about sex were open and honest when I was in my teen years. As a result, I am a very open and honest sexual partner. My husband and I have sex nearly every day. And occasionally twice a day.
My advice is therapy. Not faith based therapy. Not a pastor. Therapy.
So this is who you married and she’s a strong and purposeful in her convictions. You can be too. You mention in another comment she demanded you back down, so what? If something is important to you and you want something in particular to happen or not happen then don’t give that up. That doesn’t mean you can’t suggest compromises as a first step, but stand up for yourself. So what if she’s upset, let her be upset, you are. It’s ok not to get your way all the time. What’s the worst she’s going to do? Become violent with you? Then that’s a straight to divorce situation.
I’m a wife in a similar marital setup to yours. I have begged my husband to grow a backbone, and I have also not liked it when he asserted himself to me. It’s *not comfortable*, is all. Ultimately I want to not make every decision for us, and I try to give him tasks to increase his independence, but he still defers to me. It is a hard task to push it back to him instead of solving it because I know how uncomfortable he is.
Just keep at it, perhaps work with a counselor. We have a marriage counselor helping us. His is a confidence issue. And I know we are working on it and I still struggle, so don’t take it personally if she does too. It’s hard for you and hard for her to change your relationship dynamic.
You have a lot of red flags in this post. You married your wife specifically for her strong personality and now you feel emasculated by it. She’s a strong woman with clear boundaries and a set sense of self by the sounds of it and you’re saying that you’ve grown into a new person yet you’re still submitting to this anyway because it’s easier. If you’re wanting change you have to stick to it.
However, the next red flag is the “I’ve read that marriages…” Where? Lol where did you read this? What ACTUAL research supports this? Or was it a blog some sad man wrote about not getting enough sex?
Lastly, you said I’ll do something for her and then she’ll “owe” me but never does it. That…nope. keeping score is a quick way to build resentment. If you feel that you do more for her than she does for you then you should communicate your needs, not think she owes you because you did something.
Ultimately, it doesn’t sound like you’ve changed, it sounds like you want to have changed and want her to change. You don’t communicate. Your post history is a disaster. You support abstinence and christian culture and then are shocked your wife doesn’t want to fuck you as if that’s not exactly what women in that situation are taught. You want a modest wife but also apparently one that’s comfortable with nudity. You don’t respect women at all actually based on your posts. She probably doesn’t respect you and steamrolls you, because you need checked lol literally a walking red flag. Learn to communicate and actually get the backbone you think you have lol
Why should she feel guilty for telling you no?
You have matured. It’s not a power dynamic. Stop reading that stuff.
1) You married the woman who got shit done. That’s a good thing.
2) you two are partners. You figure out what needs to be done together
3) she doesn’t need to step down for you to step up. Just step up and when she’s ahead of you or has a better idea, as a partner giver her props and move on
4) do what she wants so she owes you. That’s manipulation and negotiation not partnership. Please read the book ‘the 80/80 marriage’.
5) I’m proud you know what you want and you’re committed. You’re a good man, self aware and accountable- don’t discount how awesome you already are. Talk to your partner about this lovingly.
Good luck
So… tough love time for you, dear:
you pretend to be a person you are not (anymore) and put up with things you don’t want to avoid trouble and conflict and having to actually communicate and work through things with your life partner and you resent… her?
You don’t sound like you changed all that much if you’re still acting like you always did. The only difference is that now you are aware that you’re doing it.
Before you go on resenting and hating on your wife for being who she’s always been and taking the lead you never took, I think you should take yourself to therapy and start doing the hard work of having your actions matching what you claim to desire. That “things won’t change unless you do” thing is real. As every change, things will get bumpy and awkward for some time, and both of you will need to learn to compromise in benefit of your marriage, but I think it’s worth it if you love her and want to take this relationship to the next level. A real level.
On a side note, she may surprise you by telling you she’s tired of feeling like she’s your mother because everything falls on her shoulders, and that’s the biggest reason why she is not very turned on by you. Mothering an adult who was supposed to be your partner is a sex life killer.
Or… you can throw it all away and find someone new for what may be your next phase in life.
I still think you may be a huge part of the issue, though.
Don’t generalize about men and women in relationships. Just focus on your own. This “everyone is unhappy when the woman ‘leads’” is some sexist bullshit
Get a divorce but don’t be a misogynist.
Rings a lot of bells. Sounds like you are a classic Nice Guy. Read No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover, and maybe check out r/nmmng. There’s also a discord server for support.
Also, as others have pointed out, the red pill bullshit absolutely will not help you and will only make you feel worse. The whole thing is a scam for “influencers” to make money or get attention from men who are genuinely hurting. Do not fall for it.
So I will say this as the more outspoken/type A partner in my marriage…
It CAN get so exhausting to be this woman. My husband and I have a healthy marriage so when I need him to step up and be more vocal/make decisions then he does and when he needs me to chill out and listen to him then I do But it is communicated calmly and we have to make conscious efforts to listen to each other when we need it.
You don’t even ask for sex cause she looks tired etc etc well news flash She probably is exhausted. No woman/partner actually wants to have to make all the decisions and run a household, it sounds like maybe she doesn’t trust your judgement to make decisions? If you aren’t confident in that then why would she? It’s hard changing a dynamic where a precedent has been set for years. Also with the sex thing.. the dynamic you have is that she takes care of you/makes decisions for you(whether you like it or not) that’s typically a turn off.
You cannot be mad at her for setting boundaries. My husband is VERY non confrontational and I get worked up easily but get over it easily. We understand how each other works and know we are coming from a good place. Sometimes I think he just doesn’t care (when in reality he does but isn’t as expressive as me); and sometimes he thinks I’m over reacting and annoyed (when I’m reality I’m reacting in a moment but I’m never mad AT him just at the situation we may be dealing with at that time).
You guys need counseling to re learn where you’re at in your life now. Learn how to communicate and take some accountability for the state your relationship is in.
You’re a “pro-life” anti feminist, no wonder you can’t handle a woman who knows who she is and doesn’t apologize for it.
Your entire second paragraph is nothing but a giant waving red banner. “She’s taught me how much she’ll put up with. She has clear boundaries. She says no without any guilt.” These are all things you’re COMPLAINING about. “I do what she wants thinking SHE WILL OWE ME.” Absolutely what the fuck is wrong with you? Get out of this marriage because you are toxic as hell.
This sounds like a mutual problem mostly around communication. The couples with the happiest sex lives are those with an equal balance of power and responsibility between both partners.
Couples therapy is likely the way to go to get professional help with changing the current dynamic between the two of you.
Your views are kinda whack about everything. Glad you aren’t able to control anyone with your ideas
I just want to offer up an alternative perspective to this, from a wife’s point of view. I am more assertive than my husband and he used to describe himself as more laid back. This turned into me taking on 90% of the mental load. I made the grocery list, I made the plans, I coordinated everything. I was the decision maker which in turn created a manager/subordinate relationship. Yes he’d do things if I asked but then it felt like I was just delegating tasks to him. It’s hard to view someone as an equal when you tell them what to do and lead them regularly.
You are not blameless for your marriage winding up this way. You were okay with her being the leader at the time because it requires significantly less effort from you. Now you’re tired of being told what to do but in her mind she’s carrying on the way she always has. She’s making the decisions and keeping the relationship functioning because if she doesn’t then who will? It affects respect, which in turn obviously affects your sex life. There is a good chance she’s lost faith in you to be able to get things done independently. It sucks and it’s going to take a lot of work to fix. You need to prove that you’re a reliable husband which includes taking the initiative to get stuff done without her having to tell you what it is. You can’t get mad at her for acting in the role you put her in for years.
Ugg, red pilled much, eh?
*I do what she wants thinking I’m serving her and she will owe me and do what I want the next time but the next time comes and she still says no.*
How very— transactional– of you to think that. That’s not how relationships work. You don’t get a free pass for whatever you want just because you gave in to whatever she wanted.
An ideal marriage should be a partnership– a collaborative effort to build a life together. One should be in charge of the other, no matter what parts they have. It sounds like you’ve spend your whole life trying to make her happy just so you could get her way.
Also, if she’s just laying there during sex, then I highly doubt she’s enjoying herself at all. Instead of focusing on just getting yourself off into a semen vessel, you might want to consider actually focusing on the person you’re supposed to be making love to.
I was in a relationship for many years where it was only about my husband’s pleasure. (He’s not my husband any more– for many reasons, none of which had to do with sex.) Sex was not something I looked forward to, because it was allllll about him all the time. It became something that I dreaded. I thought something was wrong with me because I had no libido. It turn out that my libido gets turned up to 11 when I feel loved by a partner who actually gives a damn about my pleasure too.
If you want your marriage to last more than 8 years, you might consider leaving the red pill garbage behind. Work on building a partnership, where both of you build TOGETHER. You need to love your wife, and work with her, not lord over her or be lorded over. And both of you deserve to hold boundaries.
OP a few things here, you say your wife is a control freak but in the very next breath you talk about her having clear boundaries. Is that what you are considering her being a control freak?
In the beginning of your post you admit that you have put all the responsibilities on her to make decisions, things aren’t going to change overnight, once someone is used to being the decision maker it’s hard to share that responsibility. It’s clear she needs you to step up, hence the fight about you being more assertive. As someone who leads my relationship I will tell you I fucking hate it. It makes me resentful to have to be the decision maker in everything.
Based on your post it’s pretty obvious to me that you don’t do things for her because you love her, you do things for her because you want her to owe you. I am willing to bet that’s obvious to her too.
Finally, if she is just laying there for sex I’m assuming you’re not putting in the effort to make sure she is having a good time too. Even if you’re not in the mood of the sex is good, at the very least sometimes you’ll get into it too. Maybe try focusing more on fore play and the rest will follow.
After reading your post history, have you always felt this way or have you been “red pulled”?
The idea that your wife would submit to unwanted sex more often if you had the “power” is absolutely grotesque.
You taught her how to treat you. This could a very unpleasant process for both of you if you’re willing to assert yourself. First step is to stop being afraid of upsetting her. If you can’t do that, things won’t change.
Pretty sure she’s stepped up bc she’s had to.
Go to therapy and learn how to communicate your needs.
EDIT: Just checked your post history and big yikes.