Im willing to take action, i just dont know what actions to take. there is just so many things to think about, the past the present the future.. every human that ever lived, the human race, the stars, galaxies, every thought of every human, the short time we have here.. the time passing by quickly, dreams, goals, passions, im probably going through a mid life Crises, i dont know who am supposed to be, i dont know how to find out who i want to be, by doing things? but what things?
i dont know what dreams i want. or what goals to chase or which passions to have, i know i need to try different things but i don’t know what
people here suggested therapy, but there is no way to get that here, they suggested finding hobbies, trust me if there was any besides soccer i would do them everyday.
i heard this in a book and im paraphrasing “because depression we don’t do that thing that our hearts, our inner genius, is calling us to?” but i dont know what that thing is
i for sure know its not porn, since i hate my self after watching it, i hate my self when i get rejected by girls online, maybe some are busy, or have bfs or just dont mix with me.. but this happens so much, maybe im a closed book and my personality is hidden under all the people pleasing, approval seeking..
im 21, in college, im in IT which i kind of like, this is my first year, almost 3 months in, i have no friends, my 2 dormitory roommate joke with each other or debate, do things for each other and stuff that friends do for each other, i dont have that with anyone, i get no attention, i get ignored.
and tbh i haven’t said a single word to them in like 3 days, it was always me saying things, or asking them things about the classes and exams and shit but they do those for each other automatically
maybe what i said was just something boring and non-important and they didn’t care, i really dont know how to make friends, because i dont know what to say most of the time, or what to talk about, or run out of things to talk about pretty quickly
it was clear they didn’t care about me, why should i care about them? maybe i just have the personality of a robot, i think i make people hate me because subconsciously im not interested in them or maybe im sometimes mean to make my self feel better about my self, either way i need to fix my personality.
but i dont know how.
maybe because i dont care about my self or love my self, or interested in my self.
many people here suggested to get a hobby, the only hobby here is soccer and im lucky if i play that once in 2 months, thats it
i like reading, watching movies, star gazing, i like philosophy, psychology, watching sports, listening to music, listening to podcasts, i like reading about history, playing video games(this has been less recently) this is all on my phone, i want to go outside but the opportunities to do something fun/adventurous/productive but there are no opportunities outside
i live in a small town in iraq/Kurdistan, tired of posting those but to be honest i have been helping my self.
im getting good grades, played table tennis for the first time ever, i talked to someone random yesterday and asked what their name was. part of me was like “why ask, they wont be interested in you or will like you or be your friend” maybe im too selfish idk.
i feel like no one likes or loves or cares about me, and i dont know what to care about either to be honest, i dont know how to care about people
i just dont want to waste any more time, i try to experience new things.
i exercise everyday, meditate, i dont know what else to do.