So me and this girl (both mid 20s) from work started getting along really well around 3 months ago. We talked alot, then we started texting alot. In the last 6-7 weeks, she texted me daily. We hung out(never called them dates per se) 3-4 times and it’s usually really fun, deep personal convos for 5-6 hours. So you would assume this is going well. But other than this, it hasn’t gone anywhere in 3 months. Not even holding hands.
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Now I haven’t pushed too hard, cause when I first asked her about us, she said she wants to take things slow. But she now starts telling me how she is not comfortable with affection, giving or receiving, she can’t hold hands in public, can’t be hugged in public, how her parents ignored her and she still wants their attention => Classic avoidant behavior. now the issue is, I’m an anxiously attached person and this is killing me. Whenever she stone walls me or pulls away, I can’t help but think either I’m doing something wrong, there is something wrong with me, or that she doesn’t really like me but only likes the attention that I give her. Every time this turns into hours long thought spirals of self loathing.
whenever I try to flirt via text, she ignores, acts like she didn’t get it. She always agrees to hang out or do stuff together, but then she will cancel, change the plans, or be late. Every single time. And when face to face, I always try to show affection and interest and she’s always just cold. (she’s also mentioned how other people in her life think she’s cold but she doesn’t see it that way)
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Now I’m not blaming her, I get it that she’s probably scared?, but this is killing me. I feel like we are not connecting at all, I’m looking for some reciprocation of affection or interest that I’m giving her and I don’t really feel like I’m getting it, so I always think that she doesn’t actually like me and I’m the one who is over-invested.
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I need advice. I’m thinking of 2 things: I either move on(my mental health was so much better before this), or I be more direct. But I also don’t wanna hurt her. So how do I go about this? I was thinking of literally, next time we hang out, going “I know you said you’re usually not comfortable with hand holding, but would you be comfortable to do it now?”