TL;DR: I (29M) said to my girlfriend (30F) I needed time before moving with her and now the relationship seems broken.
Here we are. I (29M) said to my girlfriend (30F) I needed a bit of time for me to move together with her, after 1 year relationship.
I felt this because we were at a point of the relationship where we argued sometimes. So I wanted us to be good with one another before moving together. When she asked, she said, you can say no, no harsh feelings. But since I said “I need more time” she basically is not the same anymore.
I have to say that she offered me to move initially in reaction to an even: her roommate leaving so that the rent is higher now.
Many things contribute to me saying no and they are mainly my fault: I had a past 7 year relationship that went bad, I fear I might not have time for me, I work until late sometimes and I am working on it to be more available. So, I feel I have to improve on myself a bit before moving with someone, because I do not want my girlfriend to have a hard time because of me. But now, our relationship is worse. We barely talk, there is no affection, and she said she does not trust me because she feels even in this kind of situation, she cannot count on me as she expected me to say “come leave with me, we split the rent and it will be easier”. Now, even if I said let’s move in 2 months, she said no don’t worry I will find someone and we will move when it is time ans when we feel better. But I have the feeling I hurt her and nothing will ever be the same. What can I do?
4 comments
I’m confused. She said you could say no and there would be no harsh feelings, but then you said no and she says she doesn’t trust you? Is that correct? Did she really lie to you about how important this was to her?
You did the right thing to not move in together when you aren’t ready and aren’t sure about the relationship. If she’s offended or hurt by that, she needs to move on- she’s 30. I’d wonder if this is the right person for you if she’s pulling away because you were up front.
It’s important to acknowledge that you are aware of the impact your decision has had on your relationship with your girlfriend. It’s clear that you are taking responsibility for your actions and recognizing that your past experiences and fears have contributed to your decision. You mention feeling guilty for not being able to offer your girlfriend the support and commitment she was hoping for in this situation, and that is a normal and understandable feeling.
In the original post, you state that you wanted to take some time to work on yourself and improve the relationship before moving in together. This is a completely valid reason for wanting to wait, and it shows that you are committed to making sure the relationship is healthy before taking that next step. You also mention that you work late sometimes, and that you are working on being more available for your girlfriend. This shows that you are actively trying to address any issues that may be causing strain in the relationship.
However, it’s important to remember that your girlfriend is also an adult and has the right to make her own choices. You mention that she offered to move in together initially in reaction to an event, and that she said you could say no without any harsh feelings. It’s understandable that she may have been upset when you said you needed more time, but it’s important to remember that she gave you the option to decline. You also mention that she has said she does not trust you because she feels she cannot count on you in this kind of situation. This is a valid concern, and it’s important to address this trust issue in order to move forward in the relationship.
It’s clear that you are genuinely remorseful for the impact your decision has had on your relationship, and that you are willing to work on yourself and the relationship in order to make things better. The most important thing you can do now is to communicate openly and honestly with your girlfriend about your feelings and your intentions.
She’s allowed to be hurt. It can be okay, and she’s still allowed to be hurt by it.
She’s respecting your choice. Your choice was reasonable. A year of dating is fast, and feeling pressured by finances is never a good feeling.
She’s allowed to be sad, or disappointed. She had hopes. Her hopes were disappointed.
Stop going back on your decision. Let her do the stressful work of finding a new roommate and show her you value her respect and there are other ways you’re still committed and looking to grow together.