We have been together for almost a year.
My girlfriend is going to work at a national park campground for a summer job 8 hours away again. She worked there in 2021 checking people in, cleaning trails etc. and loved it because it’s easy, no stress and surrounded by other people her age. She wants to go again despite being able to choose a more relevant internship related to her degree/field and is closer nearby.
Everything in person with her is great and I trust her. However, last summer, us doing long distance relationship was very hard for me being so far despite visiting her twice. It was also hard because she is not one to use her phone often and communication was not the best, the only hope I had was that we would be together again in September and that maybe she wouldn’t go back again this summer.
I’m torn because I believe she should do what’s interesting and best for her career rather than just pick a “fun” summer job. I want to support her in what she loves but as someone who is career oriented it just hurts me that she has great opportunities close by but is choosing a job high schoolers get hired for in the summer and also selfishly, that i won’t get to see her and she is not very good at long distance. Obviously, she will be back after summer and everything will probably be okay like it was last year, but again not to get into the details but it took so much out of me last summer.
TL;DR: Girlfriend going 8 hours away for a summer job again she loves over a job that is more career oriented. I am torn because long distance was very hard last summer and I want to support her but it’s going to take a lot out of me.
27 comments
I’d choose working in a National park over much else. Worked in Yellowstone for 2 years and it’s the best memories of my life. Don’t take that from her. You have your whole lives ahead of you and you survived without her till a year ago. Don’t let your insecurities affect her enjoyment.
I think you should let *her* decide what is important to her. Don’t micromanage her career. Don’t assume you know best. Nobody likes to hear that. Maybe she needs to de-compress after studies, so she can return refreshed and study more effectively. Maybe she’s simply not as career-driven as you. Maybe, unlike you, she realises this could be her last chance for a months-long vacation for decades to come.
Anyway she’s not asking or requiring you to “support” her or support her decison. All YOU have to do is to *accept* it and not question it and let her make her own decisions without being needy or passive-aggressively negging her decisions or pressure her to stay for selfish reasons. Be happy for her, find your own ways to amuse yourself and keep busy over summer. If your relationship can’t stand a couple of months apart then it’s not going to last anyway.
Just have a conversation with her about it, specifically that you need to have some contact with her on a regular basis for you to feel connected still while she’s gone. If it’s something she loves and is temporary then just do your best to live your own life while she’s gone with regular check ins with each other.
You sound like you’re not quite ready to have a girlfriend.
Don’t try and talk her out of doing what she wants. It seems clear she is doing it because she enjoys it if she isn’t doing it explicitly for career growth. Instead tell her you are concerned and see if you can figure out a regular communication plan for when and how you will stay more in touch than you did the last time. Make a plan together to make it work for both of you.
Check your resentment.
Build a communication plan. Plan on low, but predictable communication. Setting low expectations and then having ‘bonus contact’ in between those agreed on touch points is better than you constantly pushing her for more than she’s comfortable with.
And build your own summer plans so you feel active and present in your own life, and aren’t pining after hers all the time.
It’s okay to admit if you’re just not equipped to manage an LDR — because you’re clearly not very good at it either — but stop trying to make it a bad thing she’s doing it. It’s not. It’s a great line on CV and this in the time in her life for her to enjoy these experiences. You’re looking for “reasons” to think poorly of her for a totally valid choice, because you don’t like how the choice impacts you. Quit that.
Grow the fuck up and stop trying to control your girlfriend. Break up if you can’t handle it, so needy and pathetic
You either support her or you don’t. I’m assuming it’s a “don’t” because you have other ideas about how she should live her life, so hopefully you won’t be surprised when she ends things.
Did this for a few years but it was my boyfriend who left for the summers for those types of jobs. It was rough. Eventually he realized he never wanted to settle down, we broke up, he moved across the country. The wanderlust was just too strong.
I’d talk about whether this is a temporary stage of her life, or the lifestyle she wants to live longterm.
Whoah big question: why don’t you visit the park?! I bet she could get you in for free and even then, national parks are always my cheapest vacations. It could be a wonderful experience for both of you.
I’d also suggest using more analog forms of communication like postcards and letters.
long distance suuucks but honestly a summer is not that bad. i’ve done it a few times in a few different relationships for summer internships while i was in school. the good news is you’ve already done it once so now you know what works and what doesn’t for you.
video calls help. my now-husband and i hate video calls in general but we did them every once in awhile and both felt better when we could see each other. maybe schedule one every other week or something. visiting also helps! you should try to go out and see her. you two should talk about communication expectations while she’s away, and figure out an arrangement that works for you both. compromise is king in relationships, my guy.
This is all about you and what you want. She deserves the right to pick whatever job or opportunity she wants. You have insecurities or abandonment issues to work on if you can’t be happy for her.
> I’m torn because I believe she should do what’s interesting and best for her career rather than just pick a “fun” summer job
If the campground was nearby and the internship related to her career was 8 hours away would you still feel that she should pick the internship?
I understand not wanting to do long distance, but the reality is that you guys haven’t been together very long and there’s a limited window of time where you can reasonably take opportunities like picking up for a summer and being out in nature before you have to settle in and work for 50 years. It’s not surprising at all that she wants to take advantage of not having those roots yet.
I think you can absolutely convey that communication is really important to you and you’d like to set up more regular chats so that you don’t feel disconnected while she’s away. It’s also okay if you really don’t feel you can handle another summer apart and you decide to go your separate ways. But I don’t think it would be respectful to try and talk her out of this.
I work in the conservation field as well. What I don’t think you’re grasping here is how hard it is to get a job in this field. I had to apply to 150+ jobs before I got my first gig, and I was only spraying weeds in a national forest. Even if there are jobs nearby, there’s no guarantee she’d get them. Her next job could take her across the country, would you be okay with that? I’ve done 2 cross-country moves for work.
What I’m getting at here, is that you need to be flexible with your expectations for her career path. You both need to sit down and really lay out both of your career trajectories and how they may or may not conflict with each other. I do want to say too though, your feelings of being hurt over this are entirely valid. I’m just trying to give you a perspective from the other side.
If you want to be supportive then be supportive. Let her enjoy her 20’s. Most people don’t look back at their 20’s and congratulate themselves for being career oriented, they think about the fun opportunities they may have missed out on.
LD is hard, harder in some people than on others. Everyone is telling you to suck it up, and yes, you do need to to an extent – but a successful LD period requires compromise. If your preference is texting/phone call 5-6 times a week, and hers is once, the compromise here is like 3ish times and maybe shorter calls. Not “she’ll talk to you once a week, quit whining.”
If she wants this relationship to succeed too, she needs to also be reaching out while she’s away. Not just you.
PS a “fun” job is totally fine. People these days change careers eleven times in their work life, sticking with one thing and loyalty to one field/company/whatever doesn’t work because change is rapid and the loyalty isn’t returned. She’ll make money and have a mental break from whatever field it is she’s studying, it’s fine.
It’s temporary, so just talk to her about making the effort to communicate more. Come up with a plan/schedule.
It’s important to understand with these kinds of jobs it’s not practical to check ones phone all the time. She’s probably busy from morning until night. Outside of work hours it’s awesome to disconnect and just be with friends and nature. I think some of the ways you could make peace with this is by setting up regular times (once you know her schedule) that are good for you to call each other, be ok with infrequent or sporadic responses in between those calls. Find things that fill your cup while she’s gone. Figure out who you are outside of the relationship because right now it seems like you are identifying yourself only through being a couple. Find little ways to enjoy your time apart so you both have lots to share when she gets back. Start a cool project while she’s gone. Figure out how to do something new. There are so many ways to get enjoyment out of being a couple and being alone but it’s so important to embrace and like yourself enough to invest in who you are outside of your career and relationship.
Is this actually about her career?
I think some people are being rude and harsh instead of giving you advice and help. So here is my attempt.
To everything, there must be a balance. And, I think you are receiving cues /hints that are causing you deeper concern about your compatability and future. Most would want their partner to feel free and to be able to pursue interests and passions, but most would also want to ensure there is a future to the romantic relationship to continue investing in it. I think it is completely legitimate and right to talk about these questions /cues with your girlfriend now, and you’ll have the best results when ensuring you’re very supportive without putting down her or her interests.
This is an example which addresses some of what I think might be your short-term and long-term concerns.
“I wanted to know if we could talk about our plans every once in a while so we can check in and ensure we are on the same page about what we are envisioning in the future.
I love that you’ve found an opportunity for summer work that you really enjoy and which you’d like to return to again this year. Do you think this has sparked something in you which makes you question your major and your plans for the future?
Are there things about the location which draw you to it and which cause you to picture living there long term in the future?
Do you foresee the kinds of jobs that you’d like to have after school is finished and where those will be?
I’m working hard to build a resume and experiences that will make me stand out as a candidate when I enter the workforce. Again, I love that you found an interest in this great national park location, but I was surprised that you had decided to return instead of finding an opportunity that was more of a traditional “resume builder” since our professors stress these summer periods as some of the best opportunities for learning and gaining work experience. What are your thoughts about that? And are you feeling confident about moving forward with your summer plans?
When we were apart for the summer last year, it was really difficult for me… and I imagine that it will be more difficult this year since we are deeper in our relationship and have been around each other even more this year. I am concerned about how we will remain connected while carrying our summer work schedules and feel close to each other. Do you have concerns about it? What do you think we should pro-actively do to ensure we remain close when we are so far apart for that period of time?”
And so on. The point is to ask your questions without being angry, accusatory, putting down her possible pints of view, etc. and without using loaded terms. Try to be objective as possible when sharing the scenario, facts, data, concern, etc. Then ask the question. Then sit and listen and pay attention to her body language, word choices, and full answer without interrupting and before moving to the next scenario and question. Also, ensure she has time to ask you about similar questions, scenarios, etc. If she misunderstands what you are asking about, repeat the details and question again… and then be quiet and listen. Her answers may change how or if you ask the next question, and she may become really defensive or angry or curious that you are even asking about these issues. But, you can go back to the original statement that reiterates that you’re simply trying to understand what you’re each imagining for the future and to ensure that you’re both still on the same page about what you’re envisioning for the future and that you’re compatible in light of these decisions and situations. After you hear her answers, take time to think about them, see if you have other questions, keep checking with her to see if she has questions for you, etc. These are the kinds of healthy discussions that people in healthy relationships have along the way. Neither of you wants to be disconnected. And if you see that your paths are diverging in significant ways that cannot be handled through a bit of sacrifice and compromise, neither of you are going to want to waste lots of time and energy being with a person who doesn’t have similar / compatible priorities and life goals.
I hope your conversations go well and that you see a clear path forward together.
Let her have her fun summer job. As she gets into a career later in life she’ll never be able to take months off at a time to do something like this again. Yall are young, have your whole lives ahead of you to focus on careers and such. Come up with a solid communication plan and let her live her best life.
Let your girl friend work the job she enjoys. This sort of this is not un usual at your age.
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I was a nurse at a large teaching hospital and often the residents were married and their spouses would be at another school with a program that fit their speciality.
Finding a rewarding career path isn’t always about money and status. Doing a job that “looks good on a resume” is great, but as an employer you want someone who is more than the job.
The human skills she’s gaining, the “getting it done even if it’s dirty” attitude, will serve her well in her career. An employer will look at it and ask her about it.
She’ll stand out from the crowd of applicants.
Diverse experience, thinking on ones feet and people skills are more important IMHO than working at a big industry leader firm for free.
With regards to your relationship, why should she give up something she gets enjoyment out of? Has she asked you to give up your plans for her?
There is something called trust in a relationship. I get the feeling that you don’t trust yourself to be separated for so long, not that you don’t trust her.
It’s a couple of months, not forever, but if you make a big deal about it it probably will be forever
Honestly?
If I were her, I’d also take the national park job over internship, etc. She can do the internship next year or next semester if need be.
Your gf is trying to create memory and she seems to enjoy herself immensely hence she keeps signing up for it.
It may be hard for you but you can endure this, it’s only for the summer 🙂
Why can’t you be happy for her?
> I’m torn because I believe she should do what’s interesting and best for her career rather than just pick a “fun” summer job. I want to support her and what she loves but as someone who is career oriented it just hurts me that she has great opportunities close by but is choosing a job highschoolers get hired for this summer
You seem to have a bit of a superiority complex. First off it doesn’t really matter what you want her to do and where you want her to work because that’s her decision and her life. Secondly she’s only 22, she has the rest of her life to focus on her career so two summers at a national park aren’t going to destroy her future and it’s still good work experience. If you’re so career oriented then really throw yourself into your work this summer until she gets back and stop trying to dictate what she does and pass judgment onto her. You honesty sound jealous that she has more opportunities away from you and you project that by acting like some sort of disappointed parent.
I honestly believe that you need to let her choose for herself. Of course relationships are important but this is her decision and it’s only for the summer.
Communication seems to be the only issue here which can be solved by talking to her, in person, before she starts her job – maybe you can make time for an evening a week or something.