Edit: There was a lot of confusion. My in laws are not getting any gifts for me and will nit buy me anything. The plan was that me and my fiancé buy the jewelry set together. They didn’t like the idea and wanted to be the ones who choose and buy my own jewelry set with his own money.
My fiancé (36 yo) and I (33 yo) live abroad and both our families live back home. We’ve been dating for two years and we have decided to get married with close family and have a small ceremony. The process is stressful because I’m not there so I don’t have control over the preparations.
Our families have met even though they live in different cities. My family let me know that the meeting went well overall.
I thought everything was fine until lately. In our culture there is the dowry concept so the husband gives gifts to the future wife. The gifts always include a fancy set of jewelry. I told my fiancé way before the marriage that I’d like to choose my own set since it’s very pricey and I’d like to have something I’d enjoy wearing.
His family were aware I wanted to choose my own set but refused and sent him a different set they have chosen so he can show me the picture. I told him I didn’t like the jewelry (I truly didn’t, I don’t like white gold) and that I’d like to choose my own set. His sister was so upset and told him that she won’t help with anything with the wedding and that we should take care of it alone. I was so upset but I told him I’ll take the set anyway (just to avoid problems) but apparently it was too late. My fiancé told me he’s the one paying for it so it’s logical that I should be the one to choose.
He suggested that I choose one online so he can send it to them to get it for me so they feel involved in the process. When he sent the picture of what I wanted they said they’re not getting it for me and that I should find a way to do it alone. They also told him that if he goes to my city to buy it with me from there they’re not coming to the wedding.
I expressed how much I’m upset today and told him that his family is not very nice acting this way and it led to a fight. He said he’s getting the jewelry by himself for me in his city and that I shouldn’t talk about this subject again because he’s sick of it.
The tradition is that the family of the groom comes with the gifts but I’m dreading the ceremony. I’m not sure why they’re so mean to me just because I want to choose my own gifts that my own husband will buy me. Mind you these are very expensive and it would be really wasteful to buy things I would never wear.
I’m anxious and heart broken. I have generalized anxiety so being the center of attention is already difficult and now I know I’ll be dealing with hostile people. I feel so bad about fighting with my fiancé and I’m starting to regret going back home to get married. Any advice on how to manage this?
Tldr, anxious and stressed about in laws unfair behavior
10 comments
You should have smiled and said thank you.
I can’t speak for the custom and traditions in your area, and I understand why you practically want the expensive jewelry to be something you picked — but in my experience people don’t select their own *gifts*. If this is supposed to be a present from his family to you, they might be offended that you are rejecting their selection and wAnt to pick it out yourself. From where I stand that’s just not how gifts work …
Is being practical more important than being gracious here? It’s their money, right?
Just putting it out there but is this the tip of the iceberg for them trying to push you around? Also, have you discussed your future plans—specifically, is there any chance that you will end up living with his family at some point?
Him putting his foot down with you and telling you he’s decided a course and doesn’t want to discuss it anymore is fairly worrying, but it’s even more worrying if he’s, for example, an eldest son who is planning on being the main support for his family in the future and his family sees you as effectively his property who needs to accept his will, and theirs by extension.
Personally I think this is a lot of drama over hurt egos
In my experience, if an expensive gift is involved, we want the recipient to like and enjoy their gift or else it ends up being a waste of time and resources
On the other hand, you can acknowledge/appreciate the time they are putting into the wedding may help smooth things over
Okay. Here’s the thing: jewelry and money aside. I’m Indian and I get exactly what you’re saying.
First of all, make sure to understand that in this whole process, what exactly was your fiancé’s behavior? Was he more supportive of you or of his parents’ unwelcoming behavior towards you? I’d say that’s what you should be most worried about.
Secondly, I was in an almost identical situation. While they didn’t mind me choosing my own jewelry (they asked me my type and got something made that was similar to what I wanted in a budget that worked for them)- fair enough.
But what they did do and did often was use this tactic: if things aren’t going our way, we’re not attending the wedding. You guys figure it out (in an obviously we’re mad and huffy puffy now, make us feel better and make us feel important if you want us to be there).
I think a lot of Indian families forget that this is the bride and groom’s event and not their own.
But back to my point- they used this unfair tactic often. It was a red flag but I paid close attention that my fiancé mostly supported me.
Even so, their minor red flags eventually turned into massively rude and humiliating behavior by the time the wedding rolled around and after the functions were over they stopped talking to me and my family altogether. After days of my dads insistence asking them what happened to please talk to us etc (after they had already been extremely demeaning already) they finally picked up the phone and spent an hour verbally bashing my family, myself and even their son. It was the most humiliated, hurt, angry and heartbroken my parents or I had ever been. It completely broke us to hear them complain about the tiniest things that we couldn’t have imagined could even be complaints. It led to a lot anxiety attacks, bad health and an eventual nervous breakdown for my mom especially. She was not able to take it and feared for my future (my FIL is a very powerful man in India unfortunately) Things never got okay and it’s been over a year that very similar minor red flags led to something catastrophic for me and my family.
The reason i shared this here is just so you’d be aware that in laws behavior actually matters. Their minor red flags can turn into something significant into your future. This isn’t to scare you but tell you to watch for signs carefully. Watch for your fiancé s behavior around it. And really put your foot down when it feels like they are being unwelcoming or unfair to you. I’d go as far as saying: it’s not worth it. These bullets are better dodged than regretted. In laws have ways of making your married life a living hell.
Just elope and have a party when you guys go back home.
Wedding bring out the worst in people.
Your husbands family is out of line. Threatening to not come or help just shows how abusive they are.
What lunatic chooses jewelry for someone else? I don’t care what the “traditions” are. This is just plain weird.
Is there some taboo about just accepting what you’re gifted then selling/exchanging it for what you like? Honestly interested in the answer to this since I am completely unfamiliar with traditions involving a dowry.
Talk to your partner and decide what you want to do as a team, but first, what do YOU want?
What’s your end goal and how would you ideally achieve it.
Start from there.
Traditions are just peer pressure from dead people.
Carve your own path and do what YOU think is best. Don’t be a spectator in your own life.
I can guess your cultural background; mine’s similar. And I (male) found myself in a remarkably similar situation, with a fiancee with anxiety and pressures on both sides.
You and your fiance have agreed a) you’re going to select and b) he’s going to pay for it. The tradition his parents desire is a) they will select and b) they will pay for it.
Unfortunately they’re breaking their own tradition by insisting your fiance pay. I imagine if they selected and paid (remaining internally consistent) it’d be frustrating but at least easier to manage since, as you noted, this jewelry is worn only a few times in your life (if that).
Has your fiance been going back & forth with his parents about this? If so, his irritation with you may have been not directed at you but at the situation; he should’ve communicated with you more gently, but hopefully you can trust he meant what he said about upholding the agreement you made for him. His stress is likely much more from his parents’ conduct.
His options are to a) tell them to fuck off and not attend the wedding if they feel so strongly, b) to use their own money if they feel so strongly, or c) acquiesce to their demand.
This is a battle of wills between him and his parents. To some extent he’ll also know best if this is actually the only issue or if bending here will lead to more issues in the future (my guess is the latter).
I think it comes down to how your fiance handles conflict with his parents. If he can’t come to a solution here, and his parents refuse to compromise, your relationship will fail if he feels he can’t choose between you and his parents.
An exit strategy: tell everyone to screw off, get married how you choose, invite everyone, and let whoever comes come. It may not be the wedding you envisioned but at least you’ll have the person you wanted. Your parents will hopefully understand and attend and represent your family and traditions, even if his don’t.