When I gave birth to my daughter, I didn’t immediately feel connected to her; I was greeted with postpartum depression. I didn’t function, and because of my carelessness and lack of regard for taking care of myself, I left her in some pretty life-threatening positions. I sat between the couch, which could make her sleep difficult, I let her cry it out, and, worst of all, I fell asleep while she was bathing.I mentioned this because I know I am not innocent in all this. but luckily my husband was around and was always there to save the day. It got so bad that we both decided that I should stay with my mother (I was attending therapy) because I was weighing him down and he was practically handling all the childcare while taking care of me. Even though I was at my mother’s, he visited me 4-5 times a week, so it’s not like I never saw my baby. After 6 months of therapy, I moved back in. I have been working very hard to make up for lost time and learn our daughter’s habits and different cries, but my husband is always looking over my shoulder. He took a work from home opportunity while I was at my mom’s house, so he was always at home, so he would take 5 minutes between working to check up on me. I understood it in the beginning, but it has been 8 months since I have been back home, and this behavior has not stopped. We use a nanny/house-taker when things get a-bit to hectic for us (2-4 times a month), but he seems to trust her more than me.
He hasn’t gotten drank with his friends in 15 months of my daughter’s whole life, so I convinced him to go out with his friends, the nanny came in.I asked why she was here, and he said to help me out. He thought it was a given that she would be here. This made me feel like he was trying to get someone to supervise my mothering, but I didn’t want to say anything in front of him because I know he works hard and deserves this break. So I didn’t send the nanny home in front of him, I told her she could go when he left the house.
15 minutes later, my husband called her to check up on the child (he had already called me, so I don’t know why he had to confirm this with her); she told him she was at home, and he came home. He wasn’t even at the bar for more than 30 minutes. He asked me why the nanny wasn’t here, and I said I believed I could take care of her on my own. He lost it; he was never one to raise his voice, but he said, “What is wrong with you?” “Why would you do this sh\*t when I am trying to take a breather?” I told him I could handle taking care of her; I have done it numerous times with him around, so what is the difference with him not here? He told me whatever and went to freshen up, but he seems to be really upset.
I understand I haven’t been the best parent in the past, but I have put in the work. I have worked with my therapist to recognize when a situation is too much for me and this one isn’t. I can watch my daughter for three hours alone without his supervision. But he’s making me feel bad with the way he’s acting. How can we decompress this situation?
7 comments
This is above reddit paygrade. You two need counselling.
See, while you feel ready to look after your kid unsupervised, and you do seem to acknowledge you did something wrong during baby’s first months, I don’t think you fully appreciate the ramifications of what you did.
“Some pretty life-threatening situations” is a very non-chalant way of acknowledging that your baby could have died and was at risk of being severely neglected – which can cause life-long issues.
Your husband was a witness to your neglect. While your baby didn’t die, I promise you, in his mind’s eye he saw his little one drowned in a tub, he heard his little one screaming for needed care and attention.
Your husband is *traumatised.* And you seem to have as much understanding of that as you had for baby’s cries at first. He doesn’t need three hours of drinking with his buddies. He needs help. Help to deal with the trauma of almost losing his child. Is he in therapy? If not he should be.
The nanny wasn’t for you, it was for him, because he doesn’t yet trust you, because his trauma overrides everything. I get how that would hurt you, BUT the way to regain his trust is not to send the nanny away behind his back. You actively deceived him and thereby proved to him that he cannot trust you. You proved to him that calling to check up on nanny/you was the *right* thing to do. You broke his trust even worse than it already was.
Now, I obviously don’t know whether you have proven yourself to be a reliable caregiver yet. You think you have. I don’t know whether you’re a good judge of that. If you are indeed a reliable caregiver, then your husband’s trauma is getting in the way of seeing it, just like your PPD got in your way in baby’searly months. If you are *not* a reliable caregiver, you can’t even see it yourself. And I can’t tell either way.
What’s worse, neither of you are communicating with each other. He should have told you he wanted the nanny with you, and he should have realised how it would hurt you. But the nanny may need to be a thing to ease him into trusting you again. You on the other hand should have told him you weren’t okay with that setup. Did it not occur to you that hiding stuff from people doesn’t exactly make them trust you?
He sounds overburdened and traumatised and you sound like you don’t have a great deal of empathy nor understanding for what he went through, nor that you have actual insight in your situation.
Hire that nanny so that you two can get some couple’s counselling, because you are currently not functioning as a couple. Trust needs to be built in both of you.
Part of me is just piggybacking off what u/JemimaAslana for full disclosure. Even if you don’t read beyond this first paragraph you should really do what they suggested. Therapy, both individual and couples therapy is the best thing you can both do for your marriage.
It’s good that you’re getting better, ppd is a serious issue and gone untreated could have ended badly for you and your child. The problem is (and why your husband freaked out) is that so far, you have not proven to your husband that you can be left alone with your child without putting them in a dangerous situation.
You practically admit to neglecting your child and the idea of leaving anyone under the age of four in any body of water unsupervised for more than five seconds (let alone bloody long enough to take a nap) would cause any parental figure to freak out. It got so bad to where you had to live with your mom while your husband played single parent to a child and a half.
It’s good that you’re in a good place, but you can’t just expect your husband to just go back to complete trust without freaking out. Just as how it took you time to get back to where you need to be, it’s going to take your husband time to trust you with the child you both created.
>How can we decompress this situation?
By you recognizing that he needs time to rebuild trust with you. The nanny was there for his peace of mind, which you claimed to value when you convinced him to take a night off.
Maybe by not passive-aggressively agreeing to use a nanny then sending her home the minute he leaves the house.
You sound both irresponsible and like you still have post partum depression.
Do not be alone with the child. Get help.
So long as you continue to downplay your role in endangering your child’s life, your husband cannot and should not trust you alone with the baby. Sending the nanny home behind his back tells him that he still cannot trust you. Yes, your mothering is being supervised and should remain supervised for the foreseeable future. The alternative is a weekly 2 hour visitation supervised by a CPS worker, which is all my ex-SIL got for several years after endangering her baby, not to mention criminal charges.
The one night he could go out and you chose not the have the nanny with you. Any other time you could have experimented being without a nanny. He doesn’t trust you. He can’t have a good time or even drink with his friends without having peace of mind that the baby would be safe. You should had the nanny stick around so he could relax and hangout.
I wouldn’t want you alone with my child either if I was him. You keep downplaying your actions, YOUR child have died because of your inability to take care of them and neglet. Of course he doesn’t trust you, stuff like that is hard to get past. The one time he went out to relax you decide it would be the time to watch her alone? You could have picked any other time. Obviously professional help is needed for you both individually and as a pair