My sister and I grew up in a very fraught environment. My mom and dad were in the classic abusive narcissist/meek enabler dynamic. If you are familiar with narcissistic family dynamics, I was the “scapegoat” and my sister was the “golden child” in the family. I received direct abuse from my father, and my sister did not, though she was a witness to it. As a result of my abuse, I was not the best sister to her. I yelled and was manipulative and a bully. I didn’t have a way to process any of my feelings from being abused, but I still recognize that I behaved in a hurtful way to her as an older sibling.
However, we have spent the past 10+ years repairing the relationship between us. I have apologized many times to her and have just wanted to show her that I’m capable of being a supportive sister now. I’ve checked in on her, visited her, even internationally. She’s also visited me just as much, and we’d Skype every month to check in. We’ve had many conversations over the years about our abusive dad and how it’s valuable that we have each other to process trauma with, since we were the only ones who went through it together as kids.
But then, in April 2021, shit hit the fan for some reason. Here’s a timeline:
December 2019 – my boyfriend and I fly all the way to Germany to visit her from the US, and it’s an amazing trip
December 2019 – March 2021 – we Skype monthly, she breaks up with her first boyfriend and moves out, and I’m there to talk with her about these changes and support her
April 2021 – I realize we haven’t talked in a while, so I reach out to see if we can catch up soon. She sends me an email saying she’s very busy finishing her degree, and she’s had a lot of feelings about childhood stuff related to me recently and she’ll reach out in July when she finishes her degree. I’m hurt, we’ve been relatively close for the past decade, but fine.
July 2021 – the date she said we’d talk rolls around, I’ve been wondering wtf is going on this whole time, but I know she’s stressed and busy. I hear nothing. Then, I hear from my mom that she’s extended her degree deadline to the end of August. I reach out and send an email saying that I wish she’d updated me on the timeline because I’ve been worried about what’s going on between us, but that I’m ready to talk when she’s ready. A week goes by – no response. I send another message saying that I feel like this ghosting is now causing damage, please update me when you can. She writes back within in a few days in an absolutely scathing tone about how I should have trusted she would reach out, she’s not ready and has her own life, and that I’m being manipulative. I have not heard from her since then.
Now, if she had been in communication about why she was distant, or adhered to dates she gave me, sent an apology that it would be longer until we could talk, whatever – it would have been a different story. The lack of communication and then anger when I followed up shook me. There’s clearly a lot there that I had no idea about.
Telling someone you’re close that you’re upset with them, and then leaving them in indefinite suspense about why, and what that means for your relationship, seems very unfair to me. I see our relationship as a two-way street. I completely understand that she might have unresolved feelings about our childhood that might mean more distance from her, or anger, whatever. That is fine. I’ve always been here to support/listen, apologize and give space when needed. The problem as I see it is that she did not realize that after 10 years of a smooth relationship, saying all of a sudden that she was upset would cause some kind of rift. Like of course I was worried and wanting to hear from her when she said she’d reach out? And then to question why she didn’t was not ok?
She was in the states recently and visited our entire family, including my abusive dad, except me. I feel her behavior is so selfish and intentionally hurtful. I’m starting to feel like I want nothing to do with her anymore if she’s willing to risk the future of our relationship like this, and be so dismissive and disrespectful towards me. But, maybe I am missing something here. It’s so hard to know without her being willing to communicate anything.
I’d appreciate any opinions or perspective that the internet is willing to give. Thanks in advance!
TLDR: my sister and I grew up in an abusive environment (with me receiving the worst of the abuse) and I was not the best sister to her. We’ve had a good relationship for over a decade, but recently she said she’s upset with me but wouldn’t explain why and didn’t follow through on talking about it when she said she would. When I followed up with her she got angry and called me manipulative and has ghosted me since then. I think I want to be done with this, but maybe I’m missing something.
11 comments
While it might seem like she just decided to “ghost you” out of nowhere, I suspect this was very NOT out of nowhere for her. Perhaps she spent the last decade burying her feelings and unresolved issues to try to force a good relationship with you, but it just became to much. Yes, she gave you a time at which she expected to be ready to reach out to you and discuss things, but I think the more important aspect of what she was saying was that she needed space and was setting a boundary. When she did meet that timeline and did not respond to your initial message, that should have been a sign that she’s not ready. Your follow up message could be interpreted as you pushing her to talk even though she’s not ready, and manipulating by saying she’s causing damage. It feels like you are being disrespectful of *her*. You clearly didn’t treat her well when you were younger, and having dealt with similar myself, those feelings don’t just go away, especially if they are unresolved. She is obviously still hurt by your previous actions and to call her selfish for needing time to work through that isn’t cool.
I think you’re right to be upset, but you’re going at this the wrong way. You can’t guilt or force someone into wanting a relationship with you.
Your sister has complicated feelings towards you, and I think it would be better for you to have some distance there.
INFO: Are you still in touch with your abusive father?
She’s drawing a boundary. It’s really hard for you because she’s not telling you what’s on her mind or what she’s upset about, and that’s really upsetting and hurtful. But ultimately you have to respect that boundary and move on.
Coming to visit everyone except you must have been terribly hurtful, and I am sorry.
Do you have a therapist to talk it through with?
I don’t mean this in a condescending way, just genuinely asking, have you sought out therapy in order to heal from your childhood? I totally understand that you were backed into a corner as a child and you had abusive tendencies as a coping mechanism. But still you have to do the work to unlearn that. It’s not fair that you have to work to heal from trauma, but I promise you feel better after you do. Present day- Your sister has a right to step back from you, she doesn’t owe you contact if it’s harming her. She’s on her own journey right now too. I’m guessing that this wasn’t something she did lightly. She asked you for space, respect that boundary.
I’m sorry to point this out, but if your sister was the golden child, the abuser in her childhood was you, not your father. (Obviously your parents are ultimately responsible, but we’re talking from her POV here, as a child herself) clearly you were an abused child yourself and didn’t have the tools to adequately handle what you were going through, but her lived experience is that you were the one abusing her as a child, and that’s what she’s working through and why she’s having extremely complicated feelings and distancing herself from you while she deals with it.
Your insistence on contacting her multiple times demanding a response is also unhelpful. She told you she’d reach out when she’s ready – getting back in touch with her to say that she is hurting you by not responding fast enough, in the context where she considers you to be the harmful element in her life, is going to be particularly galling.
You focus a lot on yourself – she’s selfish, she’s unfair, she’s doing this to deliberately hurt you… that’s a very unkind, uncharitable take. She’s also an abused child trying to parse her feelings, and there’s no timeline to that. While you guys may have been “cool” for a while may have been trauma she hadn’t processed and had buried for the sake of keeping the peace, and is now having to work through. Insisting that she keep you up to date in her life or visit you when she clearly is not in a good place when it comes to your relationship is only going to confirm that you are an unsafe person for her right now. I’d recommend leaving her be for now, and maybe engaging on some therapy as well, because you seem to hold a lot of anger towards your sister, understandably, but just like it wasn’t your fault you were the scapegoat, it also wasn’t her fault she was the golden child. It’s horribly unfair you had to go through that, but that’s not something your sister had a say in.
Having read all your responses I’m unsure of what you want to get out of this thread? You seem to view yourself as a victim of her ghosting you. She doesn’t owe you anything nor do you owe her anything. If she wants to end the relationship in whatever way, that’s her right. To me ghosting you seems a pretty clear way of her doing that. You indeed do not have to put up with that and are free to stop reaching out to her (and she seems to want just that).
That doesn’t make her a villain. Nor does it mean that she lied for ten years. She may have felt differently back then, may have figured out how she actually felt about things now and acted on it by ghosting you. I sense your need for a resolve within this situation, but I don’t think you will get one, nor are you necessarily owed one.
Furthermore it seems like you feel like someone needs to carry blame. And you don’t think you’re to blame, so your sister must be to blame, or your parents directly cause this. But instead there is a fourth option: no one is to blame and everyone is to blame. Everyone is flawed. Your parents may have abused you but not known another way. You may have acted the only way you saw to, but with that victimised your sister. Your sister may have not been great about communicating her feelings and ghosted you. Everyone sucks, everyone is trying to cope with life. See your sister as villain, or see your parents as the reason for all your problems, if you want to. But it won’t help you. What’s done is done, figure out what you personally need from yourself and others and find ways to give these things to yourself. Find People that can give you these things. Your family might not. Good luck.
Being bullied and then reconnecting with your bully to try and heal that relationship isn’t a linear experience. For the victim of the bullying shit can come up- memories, flashbacks, and if there are current stressors it can all feel like too much. Sometimes victims project onto someone actions or behaviors that are not happening in the current moment, but it feels to them like it they are. Healing is recursive- meaning healing moves forward and then sometimes backward before forward again. The goal is too not to go too far backward.
Yes, your father is the real monster, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have baby-monster tendencies yourself. While it sucks to have a decade of a great relationship suddenly go tits up, you owe her the space she’s asked for. Instead, you are pushing that she stay on *your* timeline. I’d reach out one more time without any manipulation about your needs and say, hey- I miss you but understand you want space at this time. When you are ready, I am here. Then, let it go.
edit I notice in some comments you don’t want to take responsibility for abuse. I know your father did a terrible thing to both you and your sister and as the scapegoat myself it always feels a bit like getting the worse role. I also know that sibling bullying is abuse- and it can be equally traumatizing as parental abuse, while all things are on a spectrum.
My brother, who is two years younger than I, shared with me that he was in therapy to deal with issues from our childhood and that while he has social anxiety in general, being around certain people really triggers it and he’s extremely uncomfortable around them. I was one of those people. I told him i was really sorry to hear that and that I’d always be there for him if he ever felt like reaching out. Then I left him alone.
Sadly, that was 20 years ago. I’m not exactly sure why he felt/feels that way about me – I know I bullied him the way older siblings do – but ultimately he has the right to live his happiest life, and if being around me or anyone else in the family gets in the way of that, all I can do is respect that and be available to him if he ever reaches out.
Your sister has the right to live HER happiest life. It sucks that she doesn’t want to be around you, but it is what it is and you don’t have to understand it. If you love her, respect the boundary she’s given you and leave the door open for if she ever decides to come back.
My sister moved several states away. In the ensuing years, it was me to keep everyone updated on phone number changes, etc. It was me reaching out when I hadn’t heard from her. When my mom passed, I had to notify her. We talked about how we need to stay closer in touch. On my mom’s first birthday after she died, I reached out to my sister to see if she was ok. Crickets. After three days, I sent another message. She snapped at me that she is busy, and has a life. I told her she could have it without me. I blocked her everywhere and moved on with my life.
Since you asked our opinions, I support you in being done with the relationship.
Yes, leave her alone please. She deserves peace of mind.
My dad was abusive with 4 out of the 6 kids in my family. My third oldest sister was the *golden* child. She never got hit, or anything. We’re in our thirties now, and we just started having a good relationship when she married her second husband. I always tried to reach out to her, but she never responded. I did everything for her and my second oldest sister. I gave up my later teenage/early-adult years to take care of their kids. I still have horrible resentment because of that.
It may not be time for her to process everything with you about how she feels about the differences in how you grew up. My sister and half-brother are close with my dad because he didn’t abuse them. The rest of us? Yeah, not so much. Have I gotten closer to my dad? Yeah, he’s really been there for my mom since her stroke. However, I still partially hate him, too.
You’re not entitled to her time. It may feel disrespectful, but maybe some unpleasant memories are resurfacing. She needs time to process that without a timeline. She may get back to you one day, she may not. She is entitled to her feelings, even if you don’t agree with them because you did everything to your best ability. You tried to make ammends. Sometimes, that’s not good enough for the people we hurt, intentionally or otherwise.