Sorry if this is a but jumbled, I can’t sleep, am really sad and sick with the dreaded virus right now.
I (30f) have been with my (34m) husband for 9 years, married for 3. When we met I was in a terrible roommate situation and his living costs were well above his means. We moved in together a year into dating and found a great place for a year. I was in school and couldn’t contribute much, he worked retail and when the landlord raised the rent we had to move.
He suggested moving in with another couple (friends of ours) that we’d known for years. I was originally opposed but due to our budget there weren’t many options. We all moved in and things went well for the first year before I left the summer after graduating for a 3 month contract. Midway through summer the couple split up, the guy stayed and we eventually find another roommate.
I worked 60-80 hour work weeks and become more and more miserable in the state of the apartment with having roommates.
2 years later the original roommate meet his lovely girlfriend and we all decide to find something with more space. We find a 2 floor home and have been here the past 4 years. My husband and I get married summer 2019 and make an agreement to move a year later…and then the fucking pandemic hits. He’s out for a month before going back to work. My union shuts down all work and I don’t get another contract for 7 months wiping all my savings to keep us afloat and finish paying off the wedding. All dreams of moving pushed yet again.
Don’t get me wrong, they’re all great and I’m friends with my roommates. There’s rare disagreements and most of us are gamers or hangout together. I’m just tired of living with others. I’m so mentally exhausted from working all the time, being the breadwinner, saving for a house in a ridiculously expensive market (town houses here cost 800k to 1 million) and saving for me to get my MD. My husband doesn’t want to leave this city since his father has a degenerative disorder and we don’t know how long he has.
The thing that sucks the most is watching and comparing my relationship to my two friends. My husband rarely plans dates, rarely cooks and it feels like I put so much effort forward for less in return. In the last 2 years he’s picked up a lot more, has been doing with laundry and has always been kind and attentive but it feels like we’ve drifted and the effort is almost a little too late.
The pandemic has caused rent prices to skyrocket and even making 100k it’ll be tough to save if I leave and go on my own. I keep thinking maybe stay until I’m more financially secure or the housing market gets better. All I know is I’m tired and I either need to leave or he needs to finally listen and move with me…
TLDR: I feel so trapped in a marriage living with roommates.
6 comments
But what I am reading is not that room mates are eroding your marriage as much other external circumstances. You could have easily written this in a scenario where it was just you and your husband.
Does he currently not work or is it that even with two of you working it is not enough? It also sounds like you are frustrated by your husband’s perceived passivity?
Is it the roommates or the fact of where you are in life, vs where you thought you would be? Because a 2-storey house with roommates you get along with sounds decent, but you probably could afford a 1BR apartment for just you and your husband. Would that be better?
The roommates are not harming your marriage. They are just awakening you to the existing reality of your marriage. So getting a home with no roommates wont’ solve anything. So fix the marriage or end it. A lot of the pressure is external (studying, the alarming housing market) and none of that is the fault of roommates, but I do realise that sometimes it must feel like you are trapped with roommates forever.
>The thing that sucks the most is watching and comparing my relationship to my two friends. My husband rarely plans dates, rarely cooks and it feels like I put so much effort forward for less in return. In the last 2 years he’s picked up a lot more, has been doing with laundry and has always been kind and attentive but it feels like we’ve drifted and the effort is almost a little too late.
THIS is the problem. This is what you need to focus on.
You two need to sit down and talk about the current state of your relationship. What’s working, and what isn’t. What you’re happy with, and what would make you happier.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s not healthy for any marriage to never have any true personal time or privacy due to roommates. This living situation must change. Good luck to you.
You raised the point about your husband’s father. Is his plan to inherit and move into the family home after he passes away?