My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, living together for 10 months. I don’t drink very often and when I do drink it’s usually only 1-2 drinks with my friends at dinner. My boyfriend has always been a heavy drinker but it use to be limited to parties or hanging out with his friends on the weekend. There were multiple times early in our relationship where something he said or did when he was drunk caused a fight in our relationship but we’ve always worked through it.
When we moved in together, he quit drinking altogether for about 6 weeks. This soon changed into a couple drinks a week and now he’s having 2-3 glasses of whiskey every night after work to help him “sleep” and he drinks even more on the weekends. I can’t stand him when he drinks. His personality completely changes. He’s loud, rude, and has a very short fuse making him hard to get along with. At this point, with both of us having busy jobs, the time we are together when he’s not drinking is very limited.
Any time it’s brought up, he agrees that this isn’t healthy or sustainable and something he wants to limit or stop altogether. However, I don’t feel like he takes me seriously or realizes how much this impacts our relationship bc he makes no effort to change. I know he struggles with anxiety and depression and has sought out therapy in the past but this never sticks. He admittedly uses drinking as a coping mechanism which I can empathize with however I think this is only making matters much worse.
We are talking about getting engaged soon and all I can think about is being married to or having kids with a person with a drinking problem.
Am I overreacting? Is there anything I can do to support him to take steps in the right direction?
Tl;dr – My bf drinks at least 2-3 glasses of whiskey per night and I can’t stand the way it changes his personality. I can’t tell if I’m overreacting or if this is huge issue that needs to be addressed.
4 comments
there are some serious concerns regarding his drinking here both with his behavioral and potential long term health. if you are talking about a life together you are well within your right to say you dont like the way he acts when he is drinking and to find another way to sleep better.
Well, it’s definitely not a HEALTHY coping mechanism. That keyword is exactly what he needs. A healthy way to deal with things.
You absolutely should not get married to him until he has got help for his drinking problem and sticks to it for more than a few months. Perhaps a year at least.
You aren’t overreacting, this isn’t okay. He sounds like a high functioning alcoholic.
>However, I don’t feel like he takes me seriously or realizes how much this impacts our relationship bc he makes no effort to change. I know he struggles with anxiety and depression and has sought out therapy in the past but this never sticks. He admittedly uses drinking as a coping mechanism which I can empathize with however I think this is only making matters much worse.
This is called…alcoholism.
People these days have found many more mental health-related excuses for their shitty behavior. Him admitting that drinking is his coping mechanism is admitting to addiction/alcoholism. Like…if he cheated on you and he said it was because he’s depressed…would you let that slide? Definitely not I assume.
>We are talking about getting engaged soon and all I can think about is being married to or having kids with a person with a drinking problem.
This is serious. Remember, he’s not going to change at this rate. He might quit for a month or two again, but he’ll always go back to testing the waters and ultimately going back to his usual ways.
No, you’re not overreacting. From the behavior described, your boyfriend is an alcoholic. I encourage you to find out more about alcohol addiction and relationship addiction so you can better understand yourself/your relationship. Remember, nothing you do or say will stop him from using. It’s his choice. If he was sober, getting counseling, or in a 12-step program, my advice would be different. As it stands, I think you need to say goodbye.