I’ve (23F) known this guy (20M) for nearly one year, we talk nearly everyday and had been friends, I always had a bit of a crush and he has too.
Anyways lately we had been talking more intimately and the other day we had sex for the first time. But it was kind of traumatic for me.
I wasn’t really sure if I had “feelings”, I’m also demisexual so sex just isn’t enjoyable if I don’t have feelings. So I thought it would be okay because I felt like I liked him.
I went to his house and I don’t know if it’s because he was drinking or something but he was just barely talking, I kept trying to make conversation and he just was barely responding so that made me feel a bit shit.
Then he just started going on his phone not speaking and laying on his bed so I was just kind of standing there in silence. It was insanely awkward by the way, so I just sat next to him and then he just literally turned the lights off and was like I’m going to sleep. And then It was pitch black so I was like freaking out a bit and asking if he has a lamp or something.
Still has literally not responded to anything I was saying and he just started kissing me so I was kinda like what the fuck? But I just went with it and then he pretty much just was ready to have sex straight away, no foreplay nothing, literally just took his pants off and tried to put it in. And I said it wasn’t going to go in because there was literally zero foreplay nothing, obviously it wasn’t going to just slip in perfectly.
Anyways he just kept trying and eventually it went in but the way it happened was so disturbing to me and then after he just did not speak either. And also it was so f*cking painful because I wasn’t prepped or anything so it hurt so bad the entire time.
I feel really grossed out by that whole night, I don’t want anything to do with him now but I kind of feel disgusted by it like within myself. I feel gross. I’ve never had that happen to me before.
Tl:dr had sex with a guy I’d been crushing on for a while and had been friends with but it made me feel disgusting
7 comments
Ok, then don’t do that again.
You liked the guy and it sounds like you might have been into it if he had put any effort into making it pleasurable for you but it sounds like you panicked and didn’t feel OK asking him to stop.
He was really shitty for just shoving it in like that. The whole situation was cringe and I can see why you’re feeling the way you do.
Feel free to not have anything more to do with him; he doesn’t sound like a good romantic partner.
*You* are not gross. You had a gross experience.
You didn’t listen to your instincts. Please do next time.
His behavior was disgusting. Cut him off. I’m so sorry you went through this.
The minute you started to “feel a bit shit” you should have left.
It was awful because he made no effort to make you feel good. It was all about him.
Did you feel unsafe at all? Did you feel comfortable saying no?
Ignore the folks being dismissive. I’m so sorry this happened. Everything he did was deeply unsettling (not responding to you just moving forward despite you having trouble). But freeze responses are really common. Plus given your crush I’m sure you wanted it to work/be fun.
You’re not gross. You’re not wrong for not immediately fleeing from someone you thought was a friend. Now you know he’s not a safe person. And it’s okay to feel uncomfortable and about it.
I’ve had some experiences in the past that were similar where they didn’t meet any legal definition of assault but they were still traumatic. Feeling gross and blaming myself is exactly how I reacted to them at the time. But they weren’t my fault the other person was doing something wrong. Consent is enthusiastic. Moving forward when someone is uncomfortable or trying to get you to slow down or adjust is abusive.