We have been together for almost 3 years, and have been excited to buy a house together from the start. It was a big goal for us, and we couldn’t wait to buy our first home and have spoken about it regularly and it’s something we aimed to do by the end of this year. Some mental health struggles resulted in him breaking up with me for some time last year, but he came back 6 months ago.
However, the difficulty of the break up and the healing that has been required has put a strain on the relationship, but we’re continuing to work at it. He maintained that we would still be looking to buy a house before the end of this year as long as we had got our relationship strong again. This morning, he decided to tell me he has seen a house and is looking to buy it. Without me. He says that he really wants to move out of his parent’s house this year and can’t wait for our relationship to be in a good place to buy with me as it’s too much of a risk. He doesn’t want to put his life on hold.
I feel heartbroken as it feels like a shattered dream of doing this together. I don’t see how there is a future here if he is going to build a life without me and essentially leave me behind. He says that once we are stronger, I would move into *his* house until we are ready to upsize and buy together. I suggested I would rent somewhere as I don’t want to be stuck at my parent’s waiting for him to ask me to move in one day, and he told me that was a ridiculous idea because I would be stalling our future as I wouldn’t be able to save as much for us to buy a bigger house when we are ready to start a family…
This just isn’t the way our life together was supposed to be and I feel like our future is tainted because I have nothing certain to look forward to with him. I can’t tell if I’m being dramatic. But also feel he doesn’t see a future with me like he used to and that this relationship is now never going to progress and we’re never going to settle down together like we dreamed of.
**TLDR; I don’t know if there is a future here because he seems determined to build a life without me and this will create distance. I don’t know what my next steps are because I want this relationship and I want it to work.**
10 comments
You absolutely shouldn’t buy a house with someone before you live with them, and you should probably wait until you’re married to them too. That being said, if this was something you had discussed and planned on doing together, then it’s pretty crappy of him to not even inform you that he wanted to buy one alone. This isn’t a healthy relationship.
Why would you *want* to be bound to a mortgage with someone in a relationship that’s still on shaky ground? There’s more to a relationship than owning a house together. Or at least there should be.
I can empathize with how you are feeling but if you were to put your self in his shoes from a financial perspectives, He is making the logical move to secure his future…that is what adults do….be glad he was honest about it and also gives you time to reflect on where this is headed
That is certainly disappointing but you deserve sound advice.
I can’t give that to you without a lot more details about the mental health crisis, how long you were broken up, what was agreed when he returned, and what you believe are the weaknesses in the relationship.
It is very messy to deal with jointly owned real estate in the event of a break up so you probably have dodged a bullet.
wow, what a lucky position to be in at 25. I think especially when you are so young and unmarried that it is the safer option for you both to have your own stability where you’re not relying on someone else to help you pay the mortgage or anything. look into getting your own place too. if you feel like he doesn’t actually want you in his life, then do him a favour and leave. I don’t mean for that to sound harsh – but it is better than being locked in a financial situation with someone you end up breaking up with.
Can I ask why you’re framing it as “we need to buy a house together despite having relationship problems and despite never having lived together, because otherwise he’s giving up on me” because that doesn’t feel like a healthy response.
Don’t hold onto this idea, that you live at your parents home waiting for him to decide when you can move into living with him. If you feel like you are ready to move out and rent, then you do that. Don’t be on the beck and call of your very shaky relationship, hopping on your boyfriend’s beat. You build the life you want for you, and if your boyfriend fits into it, good, if he doesn’t, you still got to build your life for you, not for him.
Basically, your boyfriend is making the best life decisions for HIM. Which is his right, and it’s smart. But he cannot try to dictate your life decisions for you as well, and try to run your life what would suit HIM best.
Go and find a place you would want to rent, move to that place and make it your home.
If everything goes well you will be able to live rent free at his house and maybe after you get married you can both move into a bigger house. Until then it is a smart move for him to buy a house and accumulate equity for the future. You are holding onto some Disney or hollywood dream. Just be practical.
Your boyfriend insists that HE needs to move out of his parents’ house, but you’re not allowed to move out of yours, because that would “stall [your and his] future”? That’s incredibly selfish of him. If you want to move out and rent your own apartment, do it. He doesn’t run your life, and he doesn’t get to make your decisions for you.
He doesn’t see you two as a partnership. I think you’re wasting your time with him.
There’s no problem with him buying a house on his own. The problem is 1) expecting you to put your life on hold until he asks you to move in with him, and 2) expecting you’ll move into *his* house rather than buy something together.
Also – never buy a large asset (home, car, etc.) with someone you’re not married to. The amount of paperwork you’d need to do to protect yourself is greater than the amount of paperwork you’d need to get married, and significantly more expensive.
Build your own life. Don’t let him stop you from doing what’s best for you.