So I’ve read many posts like this, as well as the faq, but none of it seems to really help. And no amount of reassurance seems to change anything either. I’m desperately looking for advice I’m not sure exists, maybe from people who have overcome their penis insecurities.
I have a longer than average but slightly thinner than average dick. I’ve always been immensely insecure ever since the first two girls I was with called it small.
My fiance loves my dick and is always reassuring me that she does, but it doesn’t really help much at all. Now here’s where I’m really running into trouble. She likes it when I finger her with 4 or sometimes all of my fingers. I’ve read that it’s a totally different sensation and all that but she acts completely differently when I do it. She makes noises and faces I’ve never been able to give her with my dick, and it just kind of destroys me inside. I know everyone is going to say “well your still giving her that but with your hand” but I just end up feeling awful during our normal sex, I know she would be making those noises and faces if my dick where girthier and it makes sex really really hard to enjoy. I try to be open and honest with her but she just says she’s not doing any of what I describe even though I can plainly see it which just makes it much worse.
It’s really eating me up inside and all of the advice seems to basically be “just stop worrying about it” which feels alot like someone saying “just stop being depressed” when someone has depression. I just can’t seem to escape this. Ever since I noticed it for the first time it hangs over me everytime we have sex. And she wants me to do it more and more lately, she’s always said she can’t cum without clitoral stimulation but when I do this she gets much closer than Ive ever gotten her with my dick and it just totally destroys me emotionally. I’ve been conditioned by society and what I’ve read that “girth is all that matters” over and over again and it’s the one thing I don’t have and I just feel inadequate every single time we have sex.
Has anyone ever actually escaped these feelings? If so what did you do to get there? Sometimes I wear a cock ring and it gives me a little extra girth and again she reacts totally differently and then when I don’t use it I’m just focused on the fact that it seems like she enjoys my normal dick so much less.
32 comments
Honestly, you need therapy with a professional. We can’t help you.
I’m sorry you’re going through this haunting mental block. When I was younger and my SO used the suction toy on her clit, it was a completely different experience for her than me giving her oral. Just because it’s different, doesn’t mean it’s worse. My mouth is still appreciated and she makes it known. I can appreciate both, even if one is not physically a part of me. As long as she still desires your dick, the expectation shouldn’t be on it as the be-all-end-all of sex.
Sorry if that really didn’t help much. You could search for a therapist specializing in couples or sex counseling that can help you find the root of what is causing this frustration. I don’t think reddit is the best place since you’ll likely get a coin toss between helpful or harmful advice. Having a person that can trace these thoughts back to experiences that might have created them will help you understand and fight them more effectively. Hope you get through this!
[deleted]
No one has a gun up to your head forcing you to get married, do they?
> Has anyone ever actually escaped these feelings?
Yes, I do things to my wife with my hands and toys that no human dick could even begin to dream of. She still enjoys my dick in different ways. I enjoy making her happy.
Stop thinking of your dick as some kind of magical orgasm machine. Unless she explicitly says she doesn’t like it you’re just beating yourself up for no reason. Sometimes I can make my wife come with piv, sometimes not. Same with oral. Even when she doesn’t get off she says it still felt good. Have sex in the dark maybe if the faces she’s making are getting into your head so much that you can’t manage to enjoy the moment.
To be honest, I am in a totally different place in my relationship to my dick and to sex, but I think what you’re feeling is a fairly universal insecurity about sexual performance.
Let me tell you that the best sex my wife and I have rarely involves my dick.( It’s how I’m wired, it’s how we prefer it) but the first thing I want to make clear is how GREAT sex can be when liberated from the expectations of what it’s *supposed* to be like.
Good sex can be any erotically focused activity that reaches a peak and leaves all parties satisfied. It sounds like your insecurity is draining the satisfaction from even mutually pleasurable acts. I think you would find a lot of benefit in de-centering your penis from the experience, but I recognize that’s not easy or appealing for a lot of guys.
It is true that size makes a big difference when you’re being penetrated, (try a comparing 1 to 2 fingers in your ass next time you shower if you want an example of *what* that difference is.) Being *filled* by 4 big ole man fingers is always gonna feel like *more* than your dick, just about any dick honestly.
But *More* isn’t always what you want, just like your dick doesn’t always want a Vice grip. A feathery touch, a wet tongue, a vibrator can all get you off and it’s fun to try different things.
Penis in Vagina sex is great cause you’re in position to touch and kiss each other’s bodies, work together towards mutual climax, that doesn’t make it better or more important to perform than all the ways in which you and your partner *can* get each other off. (Fingering/Fisting are way way under rated my-dude
I hope that helps some. It’s hard when you know a problem is just in your head, but it won’t go away.
TLDR: Dicks are Based, and the best advice I can give is not “just stop worrying about it” but rather, put effort into mentally framing the issue differently. It is hard work to change how you think, but man I wish I could show you the weight that gets lifted when you manage to free your mind from the shackles of compulsary heteronormative expectations
Woman are complex creatures; we enjoy alot of things and sometimes, our most intense orgasms dont come from dick itself no matter how big, small thick or skinny you are. She enjoys feeling “full” with your fingers and she also enjoys your dick. This is an absolute you problem and you are self sabotaging which will inevitably ruin the relationship in the long run. Doubting your partner and not trusting her word is damaging in many ways. If you cannot work through these thoughts yourself or communicate with your partner to help you break these thoughts then seek therapy to get over these mental barriers and insecurities
I don’t know if any of us can help you more than a therapist could if you have the means to see one, as these are all just words on a screen. But I’ll try frame it in another way for you
If the roles were reversed and your fiancé was insecure about her boob size for example, and could tell you reacted differently when she’s wearing a push up bra, would you think any less of her? Would you love her less?
Would you feel happy about her constantly thinking she wasn’t good enough for you and kept imagining you being happier with women with a bigger rack?
Even if you kept telling her you love her boobs and everything about her and are completely happy with her and meant every word, but she still felt lacking..how would you feel?
I’m not saying this to tell you to think about how she feels with you feeling insecure by the way, it’s not about that or her. Just trying to help you see it from another point of view, if the roles were reversed.
(It’s a method that’s helped me be kinder to myself. I would never say the mean things I do about myself, to another person. And thinking about when my friends have thought badly about themselves, and how much it wasn’t true and that they were in fact great people)
See a sex positive therapist if you need to. “I’ve always been immensely insecure ever since the first two girls I was with called it small.” That seems pretty central to your issue. That’s HORRIBLE that your first two intimate partners would be that shitty. And entirely understandable that could color your entire perspective on these matters.
Unrealistic and unhealthy expectations around penis in vagina sex is one of the most common ways sexual relationships can go way wrong. One of the worst assumptions in sex is, “I should be able to completely please my lady with my penis”. The other is, “Women want a guy with a huge penis”. Because only a minority of women can have an orgasm with penis in vagina sex no matter the size of the penis. And sure, many women love/prefer a girthy penis, but many would rather not have to deal with anything well above average. Some women would avoid penetration all together if they could! Every woman is different!
Everyone with a penis has a different size/shape penis and no one got to choose theirs. Penises as a rule are NOT the ideal thing to give a woman an orgasm with. Sure, some women find the penis of their preferred size and shape the ideal orgasm giver, but that’s far from all women. Tons of women will take a skillfully used tongue and/or fingers over a penis any day.
Fingers can do things no penis ever will. Do not be heartbroken about your fingers giving your GF orgasms your penis won’t. She’s with you because she loves YOU. You are giving her great pleasure/orgasms from what I can tell. Just find satisfaction in that.
There’s a lot of ways toxic masculinity hurts women, but it hurts men too. And this is one of those examples. Toxic ideas about what a “Real man” should look like, how tall he should be, how big his penis should be, how overtly masculine he should look do untold damage to men. Men who don’t meet those assumptions and even men you overtly do, are both worse off when you think about it. Some men get unhealthy negative self image from it, others get unhealthy false positive impressions of themselves and that can make them into assholes, which is probably actually worse for them in the long run than having self doubts!
Fingers curl and hit spots that a penis can’t. For me, it’s a more direct and intense pleasure, but I still prefer actual PiV because it’s more intimate. I can sympathize with your insecurity, but I think you should trust your wife when she tells you that she enjoys the different kinds of sex you two have.
Why is it bad if she enjoys your dick less than she enjoys certain other things?
I am being completely serious.
If I read your post correctly, you fist your fiance. No dick is going to be as big as a fist. It’s just not going to happen. If your fiance likes fisting. Then, yes, she is going to like that sensation more than your dick. It is just a plain simple fact.
That doesn’t mean she doesn’t like your dick. You said in your post that she says she likes your dick all the time.
There is a time for a fist. There is a time for a dick. There is a time for a tongue. Etc. Etc.
I have said it 1,000s of times before.
I am not concerned with my average penis. It is what it is. My wife loves it. But, she also loves big toys and fists and tongues and all that good stuff. And, I am more than happy to give her everything she desires.
I didn’t even read this classified ad. What in the hell are you complaining about. I’m curious to see if I would appreciate your skills, but I refuse to read this nonsense.
***Edit but I did just re read the title and I apologize because I thought it was your dick she liked more. Um in that case, who cares that’s pretty well every woman since God is a comedian who put the clit outside the vagina. Yeah I wouldn’t worry about that too much just use your mouth and fingers to get her off. The PIV is really just for you fellas anyways***
I enjoy my man’s tongue a whole hell of a lot more than his penis. And I enjoy his tongue a whole hell of a lot more than anything in my toy box. (Mind you, I love his penis…he has made comments about it not being all that big but it fits me perfectly and feel oh-so-good. There is a such a thing as too big.)
In the meantime, stop comparing yourself to the “ideal.” One thing I was really surprised to learn when I met my man is that many men much prefer us thicker ladies. I thought I was fat, unlovable and unattractive because I wasn’t “ideal.” And my man isn’t “ideal” and I have never been attracted to “ideal.” I’d venture that your lady digs you for YOU, less than “ideal” penis and all. Maybe stop treating yourself like a punching bag.
Have you ever tried putting your fingers in her in addition to your penis?
But tbh its no big deal. Lots of women like oralsex and fingering more than just penetrative sex.
Before I read the majority of your post, my thought was that you were not using the right angles with your penis. Like perhaps you are shoving it all the way in and hitting her cervix in painful ways, whereas when you use your fingers you can probably get to the g-spot pretty easily. The cure to this is learning about angles and how to properly adjust yourself so that you are stimulating her g-spot with your penis. It’s not about girth, it’s about paying attention to what part of your partner’s vagina they like stimulated.
I have a partner that is on the larger side all around and I bought the OhNut recently so I could *limit* the amount of penis entering me because I get a lot more pleasure near the entrance and a lot more pain near my cervix. OhNut may actually be a tool/sex toy you want to consider to help you touch the parts of your partner that she enjoys the most.
After reading your post it sounded like a lot more insecurity than anything else and with that sex therapy is more the answer than sex toys or positions.
All that matters is YOU can pleasure her. What part of you that does this doesn’t matter. Like you can never expect to be able to outdo sex toys that are out there. Don’t get caught up in penis envy. It’s silly. Just enjoy each other. Hell, some men can’t get hard at all and still please their significant other.
The difference between dick and fingers isn’t girth, even with lots of fingers–its being able to move in a different way and hit a different angle.
You might as well be upset that you don’t have a prehensile dick that you can move in a “come hither” motion.
Soo you have a lot of advice here. I can’t speak *for* your fiancee, but I can tell you my thoughts from a girl who prefers fingers over dicks as well. I’ve been with all shapes/sizes/( girths?) Lol. I do like both, (like your fiancee says she does) but your dick can’t curl like your fingers do. It’s not a size thing. It’s a hitting the right spot thing.
Try to keep your head up (no pun intended…)
Okay, so I (28f) have had more than enough experience with a wide array of dicks, fingers, and toys, and here’s a couple things to keep in mind. (1) Orgasm is not the same as enjoyment; just because you make her cum with your hands doesn’t mean she doesn’t enjoy your dick, they’re just different. I love dick, but fingers can do things that dicks just can’t. (2) the things that make her cum are not about you. I know that sounds rough, but her needing clit stimulation is completely unrelated to the size of your cock. You can also totally play with her clit while you have PIV sex. It does not mean that your dick isn’t what she wants. It just means that (like statistically most women) she has a hard time cumming from penetration alone. (3) things like cock rings are like eating at a fancy restaurant. It’s fun and i get excited, but only because I don’t do it every day. Of course she reacts differently, it’s a different experience. And that’s okay.
(4) i know that “don’t worry” is hollow and awful and I’m not saying that. But keep in mind that she’s probably also worried, because if you’re stressed out about making her cum then she’s going to get stressed out about cumming for you and then you’re both going to have a rough time. Try to stop looking at it as a race to the finish (remember point #1), and try to focus on the fact that she enjoys doing all these sexy things with you and clearly cares about you.
> I know she would be making those noises and faces if my dick where girthier
This is probably not true.
> feels alot like someone saying “just stop being depressed” when someone has depression
Yeah, kinda. You’ve got an issue with your self esteem that is not anyone’s fault. There’s nothing to fix but your state of mind.
Okay, so learn to use your dick like you use your fingers
I think you’re being too hard on yourself. My SO loves when I use my fingers because I can hit spots that I can’t with my penis. Fuck what those other girls said.
Get a pshot
I always wonder why men compare what they were born with with the skills they learnd.
My ex noticed pretty fast that i prefer finger over dick and all he said was ‘damn my hand skills are awesome’.
You should go and see a professional therapist for this because you are reading way too much into it and it will get only worse for you over time, i had that myself.
Everyone prefers different things in bed, i prefer dick over vibrator and my best friend will never understand that since dick is THE thing for her.
I hope you will find peace with this one day
Life will bring changes and as a mature adult you should wish for her happiness, not what gratifies your own ego.
My wife of 30 years just entered menopause and recently intercourse has become painful. If I had your attitude I should divorce her rather than calmly accept that using my hands or mouth is our only mutually sane option for sex right now. Lube just isn’t enough.
Honestly, you seem to find the advice not to your liking, but it is what you need to hear. Sex ultimately is for having children. Having children requires adults to subsume their own pleasure in favor of love and caring for another, and, ultimately, it can lead to the financial and emotional responsibly for a new young life. It is ultimately a sacrifice for the pleasure and welfare of others, not a selfish act designed solely for the pleasure of your own ego. That is a trap built upon the nativity or immaturity of the young. A trap that hooks the naive into decades of service caring for a baby.
While long winded, my ultimate advice is to ‘get over it’ as cruel lessons are on the way, as once you have children she will most likely love them more than not just ‘your Dick,’ but must likely all of you.
It’s not that big of a deal. You use your fingers and she enjoys the overall experience. Your dick is just a rigid shaft. If you’re skinnier. It’s not giving her as much sensation as 2 fingers. Which can have much more articulation inside of her. She’s not rejecting you. She is just letting you know which ways to best satisfy her. Remember, both of you should enjoy the act together. You really enjoy the part where your weiner is inside of her. And she doesn’t get as much satisfaction from that. She still let’s you put your weiner in her. She is doing her part to ensure you get satisfaction from the experience. If she prefers your fingers or tongue. You are supposed to be there for your partner’s enjoyment all the same. Take turns and satisfy each other. Otherwise you’re just sounding selfish.
So, your fiance is human, has different things that effect her in different ways, in a good way, loves you and what you bring to the table but you want to punish her for it and maybe dump her because your so freaking insecure that you probably won’t stay in any relationship long term.
My wife cums in minutes when I use my hands. She can’t cum from piv unless I already got her going from fingers and oral getting her there first. I decided to get a toy a bit bigger than me to see the effects. It’s obvious she likes it.
Advice from me. Hold onto this girl and don’t do anything dumb. Go to therapy, maybe even a sex counselor to work out your feelings because dude, this isn’t about her, it’s about you.
My advice is to focus on her enjoyment more and your ego less. Your fingers and toys can do things that no man’s cock can do. No matter the size! Realize she can masturbate any time she wants, but she’d much rather have sex with you. There’s so much more to sex than just penetration and cock size.
This was too long so i didn’t read. But your fingers are just as much a part of you as your dick. Take pride in making her cum by any means necessary. Make her cum semi regularly and you will have a happy marriage.
So u developed some good finger talent to compensate for what u feel u lack in other areas. That’s a win, it’s adaptability, and everyone lacks to some degree, but often it’s our own head that gets in the way the most. I’m similar, above average length, and a little thinner in girth. I use toys, fingers, tongue whatever to get the job done. Yes normal quickies or sex feel great and we still can get to the same place, infact it’s often more sensual then using toys. We can lock eyes, kiss, grind and both just be present and sync to orgasm… it’s sort of a romantic approach. And it still is great, ur great and the job is complete. Now on the other hand using toys is fine to, I find it quickens the time to satisfaction, it is often more playful then sexual, but it’s still sex and both go what they are ment to do… I would suggest a plug for the girl, it will tighten and curve the vagina, u can feel ur dick rub against it, very pleasurable for both parties and you u did was use ur dick to fuck her no attention needed for the plug
This isn’t a YOUR dick vs hand difference, this is an ALL dicks vs hands difference. I have a partner who is has a sizable penis and I greatly enjoy the intimacy when we have intercourse, but in general the dexterity and angles you can reach with a penis are not the same as the angles and dexterity you experience with fingers. I really enjoy being fingered by one or two fingers which is significantly smaller than his penis, and the sensations achievable with fingers are simply more intense. Not to mention he can control depth, speed, and angles far better with fingers than he ever could with his penis.