TLDR: My sister (40) asked me (26F) if I could stay at their house on weekdays to help with her 2 kids and baby, I don’t want to but I feel obligated to say yes bc she has no support otherwise. Also our age gap makes it harder to set boundaries because she views me like her first born. Is it selfish for me to say no?
My sister (40) and I (26) have a 14 yr age gap and she has 3 kids (9, 5, and a new baby) I happen to live 30 min from them so it’s close enough to be asked to babysit 🙃 My partner and I used to take my niece and nephew every couple of weekends for a sleepover before the baby came and even then we felt it was starting to get too much as it affected our schedule and social plans
Now that the baby is here, she’s really struggling as she’s homeschooling them, still recovering from long COVID in 2020, and my brother in law works from home all day. My mom and her MIL (both live out of town) alternated staying for a month or so to help out but now they’re both gone and she’s struggling again. She has now asked me if I could come over and stay on weekdays to help out. I work remotely so that makes me seem more available
I really feel for her and understand she’s overwhelmed and not getting rest, but I really don’t want to have to essentially live somewhere else during the week indefinitely. I’m currently there right now (first week doing this) and it’s been difficult having to work in a different place then immediately jump into childcare and be away from my partner. It doesn’t help that they watch Full House where Danny Tanner had his bro in law and best friend literally move in to help raise his 3 kids lol so it’s really setting an unrealistic bar. I’m already exhausted and she has asked me if I could come next week and when I can come again
I feel guilty and obligated to help because I know if I don’t, she and the kids will be the ones who suffer. Her long COVID still affects her so she gets tired more easily and that affects how much care she can give to her kids. But I feel like me saying no will not go over well with them, esp with my brother in law who already expects me to be helping more than I already am (we’re an asian american family so boundaries have always been blurry and I think family expectations are higher of me cuz i’m the only local family). She and her husband are hesitant to hire childcare cuz they’re really expensive in the DC area and it would be someone new and unfamiliar (also paranoid about covid exposure) – but girl, this does not feel sustainable. I know if just say no, they’ll view me as selfish, so do you all have any advice on how to set this boundary? Am I being selfish? Should I be making more of an effort to support them?
11 comments
Working remotely doesn’t mean you can now accept additional non-work related duties. My job is specifically spelling this out in our remote guidelines. You could be risking your job if they find out.
You need to figure out what your boundaries are and firmly set them. If they don’t like it then tough.
I get your sister is overwhelmed but maybe home schooling is not the option. Additional child care help is expensive but that is not a you problem as they are using you as free childcare.
If you continue like this it will affect your current relationships and job. This honest issue is if they weren’t prepared to have 3 kids they shouldn’t have. My wife and I decided to stop at 2 because we knew 3 would be really tough. I feel bad for your sister but her husband needs to work with her to figure out a long term solution.
It takes a great deal of strength for someone to admit that they’re struggling and need help. This goes double for mothers, who are usually expected to “suck it up” and bend over backwards to look after the family even at the expense of their own mental and physical health.
You don’t need to say yes to her requests in order to be supportive, but I’d err on the side of being kind if your relationship has otherwise been good. You can also suggest that she pay you for your time, as it’d still be cheaper than full time professional daycare.
Set the boundary now. “Sorry, I can’t do this.” And then don’t. Let them view you as selfish.
You are allowed to live your life without carrying the burdens your sister created for herself. She shouldn’t be homeschooling and caring for a newborn. She needs to figure out a different solution with her husband. You aren’t their solution. Especially since I assume you aren’t being paid. Your time is worth money. Which is why you have that job. Don’t jeopardize that, either.
If you do this, you’ll get sucked into way more than you bargained for. Impacts to you include -losing your remote job (due to lack of performance), losing your partner (due to lack of performance and abandonment), all because a 40 year old woman can’t get her act together. The long Covid stuff is interesting and open for debate. First time I heard of long Covid lasting more than a year. She is 40 years old and should have the brains to figure this out. Besides, her husband is also working from home. He gets to work from home uninterrupted, and you have to sacrifice your job and lifestyle, and partner, to satisfy her. What is wrong with this picture?
No no no! Are you kidding me? That is NOT appropriate. At all. If her long Covid is so bad? Why the fu*k did she have another child?
You go back to your home. This is not your responsibility. At all.
Seriously? The hide of your sister blows my mind😡
Homeschooling? What a stupid woman. Shes got a newborn. That her damn choice and a stupid darn choice.
She’s bloody entitled 😡
No. You just say no. Stand your ground.
Sorry, but no. I do not want to stay over.
Then don’t stay over.
You shouldn’t feel guilty and you certainly shouldn’t feel obligated. You’re not the one who decided to have three kids. Where’s her husband? She can hire a babysitter. It’s her responsibility to figure this out, not yours.
You state the boundary. Then you enforce the boundary. There’s no special trick. There are no magic words to make someone respect your boundary. Boundaries without enforcement are just suggestions.
You communicate clearly about what level of support you can offer. How many days a week, which days of the week, how many hours.
Then you stick to it. She pushes, you say no. She insists, you put her on time out and withdraw support for a week.
Say no and list out reasons…if she can’t take care of the kids then why keep having them? (Not a statement I would use)….wfh is not keyword for free babysitter
Just be honest, I struggle with setting boundaries myself. It’s gotten extremely overwhelming where I don’t even have time to take care of my basic needs.
So, I’ve actually learned to tell them “well, I have plans and I am free on such and such day but let me know earlier in the month that way I can reserve those dates for you. ” or I will tell them “okay well, I was gonna… today, if you want to do my laundry or buy the groceries for me I will more than happily do it” or I will tell them, ” if you are okay with me doing this and this and that at your house, sure. ”
I try to create a tit for that, due to the inconvenience and just straight up tell them I made plans already and follow up with how they can properly get services from me. ” call me a week or two before hand. ” or ” during the weekdays im super busy, I can do it on the weekend for you but you have to let me know a week or two in advance. ”
Now, it doesnt change their behavior when it comes to last minute and respecting boundaries but it doesnt build animosity or any negative feelings either. the person just usually is disappointed that’s it and they try again and eventually they will hear you respect the somewhat boundaries you’ve placed.
If they are pleading, then I will do it on my terms and conditions. As I stayed before ” if your okay with me doing … at your home, sure” or ” well I have to do this today or made such and such plans… would you , could you …. ( to make it up somehow some way”
Just putting it out there – if she was struggling previously, maybe they shouldn’t have had another kid. Especially if she was already struggling with long Covid.