Hey
Me and my partner met about 2 years ago and decided to be exclusive very fast. Soon after we met we also moved in with each other. To a start it was pretty great (or I just didn’t notice it because of honeymoon-phase) but after awhile I started noticing she can’t really keep her life together. Constant emotional breakdowns (pretty much every week) and while she can keep a job it is hard for her. I have to pick up the pieces and basically care for her every other day. It takes a toll on my mental health.
I love her very much. She is the most compatible person I’ve ever been with but the emotional distress this relationship causes me is so draining. I feel like I can’t take any space in the relationship and I also have to always be there to support her or both of our lives will go to shit. She has some self-harm tendencies and occasional suicidal thoughts as well.
We’ve talked very much about how this makes me feel and there has been improvements but not to a degree that works for me yet.
She’s been away the last couple of days for a trip and it made me very sad because I finally didn’t feel constant stress. It was very relieving but I’ve also basically been crying since she left because I realized how much emotional grief this relationship causes me but also how much this relationship means to me. I don’t know what to do.
I’ve felt that I wanted to break up for the last year basically on and off but then she’s stable for a couple of days and I trick myself into believing it will always be like this.
I don’t want to loose this person but I’m not happy in this relationship. What should I do? I think I want to break up but I’m also worried she might hurt herself if I do that. I’m pretty sure she feels very happy in this relationship.
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TL;DR: I love my girlfriend but the emotional distress the relationship causes me is too much.
8 comments
Is she in therapy? Because it feels like you’re more her therapist than partner.
Maybe she should sought professional help.
And keep trying to get it.
It is paramount to your relationship.
If that isn’t important enough splitting up is probably one of the best options.
But you can’t stay together if it is doing this to you.
You deserve to be happy and content in your relationship.
Also staying with her because she may hurt herself is just a huge red flag
It may be in the long run you do split up.
But you would be safe in the knowledge that you did try.
What do you think?
Of course bud.
Maybe time to RIP the band aid off.
Good luck.
Let us know how it works out for you.
You can’t continue this relationship as it is toxic. This isn’t a partnership. You’re not building anything together. You’re relationship isn’t growing. I’m really sorry to say it, but you’d clearly be happier alone. The cause of your GF’s hysterics are irrelevant but I would note that emotionally abusive people will sometimes behave like this as way of controlling their partners. She’s had ample opportunity to address her problems but hasn’t put much effort into it. It is time to move on.
I’m very confused what you don’t want to break up with her. There’s literally no reason you offered why you want to be with her. It sounds to me like you’re just avoiding doing what’s right for you because it’s going to be uncomfortable emotionally for a while. But the problem with your logic is that you are already in emotional pain. By taking the step to remove her from your life you can actually end your emotional pain.
From what little you’ve said and my own experience, it sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder. Whatever the case, there are clearly some mental health issues that need to be addressed. I would encourage her to seek out a diagnosis based on what you’ve said, and hopefully that will set her on a better path
I’m really sorry OP. I know how hard this must be for you
Source: A guy with BPD
As a woman who has been like this her whole life. You need to be completely honest with her, but only when she is in a stable emotional state(a good moment where she isn’t depressed or upset). She also needs desperately to go to counseling, Because if she ever finds out that’s the way you felt and you didn’t tell her. It will hurt her alot and more likely than not it will end very badly. But you also need to try to do it in a way that isn’t confrontation to combative which is hard. Good luck to you and her I hope you both find happiness.
She has to go to therapy. She needs to be doing what she can herself to get better. She should be researching things online, like cognitive behavioral therapy. She could try therapy apps, or online therapy. She also needs to find some healthy hobbies and habits to adapt. She needs to understand she has a problem before anything can change, and then she has to be willing to do the work to make the change happen.
If all of that happens, then your relationship will improve tenfold. If it doesn’t, you will have to break up for your own mental health.