My best friend for almost 7 years is an amazing woman. She is beautiful, funny, and deeply caring. Around 5 years ago she started dating someone after going through a break up (long relationship). The guy has typical NPD behavior and love bombed her right from the beginning. At some point things turned sour and he began to break her down emotionally destroying her self esteem. There was a clear difference in her mental well being.
She is the type of person that likes to “fix” people and she looks past his bad parts because she thinks she can fix him and only make it the “good”. The problem is that this guy is bad news. He has threatened to kill her, he has trashed her entire apartment breaking everything in it, as well as a myriad of other things. In his cycle of abuse he will begin breaking down her self esteem calling her fat and other hateful things (when she is anything but).
Whenever this cycle ends she comes to me for emotional support and I am left picking up the pieces. I build her self esteem back up and start getting her healthy mentally, but this guy always seems to find a way to dig his hooks back into her (primarily during any time that she is emotionally vulnerable).
This guy is a fucking predator in my opinion and I don’t want to abandon my friend but it is becoming emotionally exhausting to keep picking up the pieces. I love her and don’t want to not be there for her as a support structure. I know it is difficult for people to break free from a cycle of abuse but I’m still at a loss for what I need to be doing going forward. Any advice would be great.
2 comments
All you can do is tell her that this relationship of hers is destroying all her other connections, including with you. If you just go on with this open door policy with her she’s never going to feel the real consequences of her blatant abuse of your friendship. Don’t pick up the pieces, reaffirm that the only way she’ll feel relief is to leave this guy. Advise her to get into therapy so she can grow a spine. You’ve tried being a doormat, it’s time for some “tough love”.
DplusL is right but I’d add that educating her about narcissism in general might also help open her eyes a bit. There are lots of books and articles on the topic. Deliver these when you tell her you’ll be there for her once she leaves him for good.