“Let’s be friends” again and again

40 comments

1. The last guy I dated is actually the only one to suggest being friends. My response “uh not right now…?”. Ball is in my court and I doubt I’ll reach out unless something super specific comes up that I want to talk to him about and for some reason can’t talk to anyone else i know about it. I’m not looking for friends. But I don’t feel the need to tell him this it will just never happen and that’s ok.

2. where you from?

3. It’s common the friends line is a soft rejection. They are trying to be nice about not wanting to be with you after having sex. You’re right, they likely really don’t want to be friends, they just want to make it clear they don’t want anything romantic with you.

   No point in calling it out. Just move on.

4. I think it’s fine to just tell him that you changed your mind about friendship. It’s okay. “Hey, I actually don’t think we can be friends after all.” Then add a “Goodbye, Take care, Have a good week,” Etc. If he asks why, then you tell him how you feel about the situation. Chances are, he might not.

   I’m around your age, and I also feel like I’ll be forever single at this point lol.

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6. While I personally don’t do this…this is 100% a “it’s not you, it’s me” rejection…it’s just them trying to be nice…they don’t expect (or likely want) you to reach out.

   The bottom line is that rejecting people sucks and it’s “easier” to try to find some path to let you down easy and not to be the bad guy.

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8. Because you’re probably picking the same guys as every other girl on the apps and these guys have unlimited options. Why would he commit to anyone

9. If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no. The whole we should just be friends is just semantics for rejection. It’s especially cruel if you have romantic feelings for them.

   At least they are offering some type of closure even if it’s shittier than just being honest and forthright. You deserve someone on the same page and at least you’re putting yourself out there to find him!

10. “let’s be friends” is the break up. You have been broken up with. Just it’s a break up with some “consolation prize” that no one ever wants or takes

11. be careful not to teach a guy early on the road to your heart. e.g. i’m not looking for a hookup. some will pretend for a little while until they get to sleep with you. i’ve honestly learned that it’s better not to ask up front – a guy’s intention will show very early on if you just be patient and watch with your eyes not ears

    e.g. my profile said looking for something long-term and serious. guy’s the same. but after date 1 he already wanted to have sex with me. fine, told him not looking for anything casual. continued to ask for sex instead of taking me out on proper dates. he showed me his intentions there early on

    e.g. guy told me he wanted something serious but over time, didn’t text me back regularly or was super slow, didnt take me out on dates. actions don’t match with words

    don’t be afraid to take your time getting to know a guy before getting intimate if you are looking for something serious and long-term

    listen to what a guy tells you, whether or not he’s consistent and just be patient and watch with your eyes. time will show true intentions

12. I am in the same boat right now, except the guy was my friend for years BEFORE we dated – now wants to be friends again while he figures his shit out because he just got out of a long-term relationship before we started dating and is clearly not “over it” yet and likely going right back into that relationship….

    I am struggling with what to do about it because I genuinely have strong feelings for him and he has said the same about me – but I am so scared of being forever friend-zoned by him that a part of me wants to just go no-contact and genuinely grieve the loss of this connection. but I also understand that sometimes people get too far ahead of themselves…. it’s not a “no,” to reconnecting romantically later on, but a “not right now.” … it is SO FRUSTRATING. I don’t know what to believe or how to behave. UGH

13. I would offer the perspective that having previous experience I know what I want and after crawling into bed with a new person a few times I know if I want to keep doing that. These guys may have found out that they dislike crawling in bed with you and don’t know how to communicate that with you.

    Another poster pointed out that you could be going for guys with lots of options. I won’t presume to know your situation, but it’s a possibility for you to explore. The woman I’m most interested in now has hundreds of likes every week. Do I expect her to stick around for me? Hell no. I’ll just enjoy the time I have with her and keep hunting.

14. That’s why I pretty much stopped doing the casual sex/relationship thing with woman. Always afraid I’d make some random woman feel this way. It’s no good. If I don’t like them like that then I’m not going to even do the pretending to be in a relationship for a month thing. A lot less sex but no hurt feelings this way.

15. Same. And I’m also wondering how to navigate this 🙁

16. as far as better gauging dating in the future, ignore what they say about you and the chemistry early on. You said you thought you had compatibility because they “told you.” people say whatever early on. I analyze action. Does he plan dates? Does he cuddle after sex? Does he gaze into my eyes? Does he act shy around me? Does he get nervous when he talks? Does he initiate conversation and ask questions? All these things help me gauge genuine interest vs someone who tries me out in bed a few times just for fun or because they realized early on i wasn’t “it” but wanted to give it a quick go so just said stupid shit to appease me and get in my pants

17. Maybe you’re attracted to emotionally unavailable men who have issues with commitment.
    Could be something to look at/try therapy.
    Find someone who initially seems more boring to you.

    Or you need to lower your standards to guys who would value you in that way.
    Guys will sleep with anyone regardless of their standards. But not have a relationship with anyone.

18. Something’s going on here. If it’s that cyclical and on que – something is up & everyone is too chicken to tell you about it. Sure these guys suck, but if you don’t change anything then the next guy you date is going to end up being your “friend”, along with the guy after that…

    I wish we could draw a flowchart on here. But here’s the breakdown:
    – Scenario 1: Bad choices. You’re routinely dating guys that are just floating around. Something is making you more comfortable around them and something is turning you off of other guys. You’re attracted to the “free trial guys” & you need to find out why.
    – Scenario 2: You’re doing something to attract these guys on the first few dates & their initial statements are genuine, but something is making them flee on que a little later on & for whatever reason they don’t think you can handle taking their criticism.
    – 2a (possibility) You become really insecure and over-invested in a hypothetical future with them way too early on. Your behavior makes them skiddish and want to flee without hurting you. Maybe like extreme anxiety?
    – 2b (possibility) You reveal something personal about yourself that is a total deal breaker for them. They don’t tell you on the spot because they don’t want to hurt your feelings… but why “friends”?

    This is insane but if I were you I’d get paranoid, pick one of the ex-dates, corner him, and make him talk. Better yet make him sing. I’d cold call around dinner time (no text asking if it’s ok to call). Use a friend’s phone if you can for the ambush so there’s no caller ID. When he picks up say “hey it’s (name), I don’t want to get back together with you but you’re going to help me figure something out…”. He’ll babble and try to get out of the conversation gently, but if he does call him out on his behavior “… No you said X, you were inside of me and then you told me we were going to be friends … and this has happened to 5 other guys in the exact same way… you’re telling me now… you owe it to me!”.

    You’ll need to have you’re game face on. If they hang up on you mid conversation or end the call then you’re in scenario 1 & they’re all little rats. However, if you find yourself in scenario 2 then squeeze them little lemons.

19. >How can you not know what you want?

    They probably do know what they want, and they probably do have their shit mostly together. The friend line is just a soft rejection, it’s not too be taken seriously.

    Time to process the resentment after being rejected. Do nice things for yourself before trying again.

20. >We are in our mid thirties. How can you not know what you want? I feel like I am never going to find a guy who is my age, single and can have his shit together.

    Sometimes horniness gets in the way of objective feelings. That’s why I actually think it’s good—controversially—to wait to have sex for a bit. I’ve dated women for up to a month where I was unsure of how I felt. If she’d have made a move to sex, I certainly wouldn’t have said “no,” but it would’ve also clouded my judgment on the fact that I was actually unsure of her.

    Conversely, when I’m with someone who asks to take things slow, and I genuinely like her, I find waiting to be no issue at all. I still pull the stops with romance, dates, flirting. And it even solidifies my own feelings towards her.

    So… a bit shitty trad-con style advice, but maybe you’re rushing things?

21. Guy game is having /showing value pre s3x. Girl game is having/showing value post s3x.

22. When someone asks to be friends you say “No”. This is not “OP’s best friend race” you’re looking to date and find your person.

    I’ve had one person ask me to be friends and I point blank said no and to lose my number. 8 months later he now tries to hit me up at the gym now that I’m getting into good shape. Fuck those guys.

23. I feel for you. It’s really rough to have that sort of streak. To balance out the “maybe you like them unavailable” and “maybe they’re out of your league” which I doubt, I’d say OLD is conducive to those situations, especially when dating with intention. People want to find “the one” and can lowkey develop relationship ocd, where everything is scrutinised against an ideal. It’s another version of not being ready to date that poses as the very opposite.

24. You can totally voice your thoughts in a way that makes it clear you have boundaries and see what they’re doing. Even if they’re the one ending it, you can communicate what you’re ok or not ok with.

    “I’m not on dating apps looking for friends. Take care though.” That’s all it has to be and in communicating what you want and are or are not ok with, you can have closure, even in a frustrating or disappointing situation.

    (Then you immediately delete them👍)

25. Actual text I’ve sent when getting the soft ‘let’s be friends’ rejection:

    “I’m always down to make new friends. I’d be up for hanging out again but I’ll let you take the lead on making that happen.”

    Never heard from him again, as expected

26. Why would you want “an actual breakup”?

27. You’re good enough for sex, not enough for a relationship. That happens often in OLD because men match with people they find less attractive just out of desperation because of how OLD algorithms work but they don’t see them in a serious relationship.

28. I’d like to add something to the mix that’ll probably still get down voted, but that’s okay by me.

    I’ve been the guy in this situation but truly meant it when I said it. There’s been twice that I could remember where I was fully interested in the person, and didn’t even rush into the physical stuff. But after it happened….I don’t know how but something in the chemistry of my mind totally changed and I no longer saw that person the same way. One of the two times, we were just on such different wavelengths physically that I didn’t see it ever working out further than that. The other…well I’m not sure what it was because the physical stuff was fine, but I just didn’t see her that way anymore shortly after.

    Sorry this keeps happening to you though.

29. Well a lot of people don’t know what they want and age has little to do with it. We are living in a very transitional time in life where things are chaotic and changing rapidly, there is a lot of economic issues around raising kids now or home ownership and even the traditional role of marriage is brought into question as many people are seeing this does not feel like a thing to do anymore so it’s about being more creative in your life now to fill it with people and things that can meet your needs, not just one person but many (and I’m not talking about being poly) although that’s an option for some I just mean finding new dynamics with how you want people to show up in your life.

    For example there is one woman I would see casually and we became intimate friends, we help and support each other but there is no pressure and we hang out when we want and for us it’s perfect no fancy titles or anything.

30. They’re not that much into you. If they want to friend zone themselves after being with you that should be very clear.

31. “Let’s be friends” is a break up that tries to remove some of the sting of a break up. No point in wasting more time on it.

    As for the future: Really, not all men are like this. This might sound a bit harsh, but there’s a common denominator here: You. Not saying anything is wrong with you, but if this is a “trend”, you might be selecting for a certain type of guy that does these things.

32. So basically, you are the woman version of me, yay..

    I feel your pain. All I seem to find are people either too immature for an actual dialogue, don’t know what they want *in their 30’s* etc. it’s grating. For the time being I’ve given up on it as my dad passed away on Xmas so I’m just going to focus on me.

    What I do suggest though which somewhat works but it isn’t a fool proof plan.
    I always had a rule that we date for Atleast 2 months before getting naked. Unsure if it work for you but for me it did help weed out those who just wanted instant gratification.

    Truthfully. I’m 33 going 34 and wish I could find someone who I can grow old with but alas, maybe I won’t ever find that.

33. In the friendliest way possible – this happened to me (38m) a lot in my twenties. Then I hit ~31 and it flipped. My social and dating skill increased, and I suddenly had more options. How else to end it on friendly terms, but the same way that my dates had previously done to me?

34. Could you try telling them how you want things ended if it comes to that? If you don’t want the ‘let’s be friends’ speel, then how do you want them to break it off with you?

    I saw this on IG (@therapyjeff) and he listed some things to go over before you become serious and I found this one interesting. Maybe that’s something you can include when you talk about your expectations etc.

35. It can be hard for the person making the first move. You can’t really know a person until you’ve dated them a few times. There seems to be the idea that if the person makes the first move, then they are ready to commit to the relationship, despite not really knowing the other person.

    In reality, the person can’t know that they’ve chosen appropriately until they’ve dated a few times. If they don’t feel “the spark” after a few dates then the right thing to do is break things off, otherwise they are just stringing the other person along. If the person likes the other person — which is why they asked them out in the first place! — then it’s natural to want to be friends with them.

    Probably best to make a clean break, as it is hard on the other person. But if you genuinely like the other person (even without “the spark”) I can see the temptation to want to have the friendship.

36. They are breaking up with you and attempting to be kind. It’s an actual break up and they are just trying to soften the edges and “be a good guy.” Sometimes things just don’t click after having sex. And if you aren’t feeling a connection physically, you have to end it. The person can technically “be good on paper” and early conversations go well, but eventually you just don’t see a future with them. It’s just about connection and chemistry. You can just say, “I am not looking for a friend. Best of luck to you.” And move on.

37. I think you need to consider the method in which you meet these guys, first date location, profile pictures, and most importantly what attributes in a guy do you feel are most important for your reason to engage in the first place.

    To elaborate, are you meeting them on the apps that guys generally use for the purpose of hookups? Is first meetups Netflix and chill? And to the last point, I’ll say it like this, the sexy girls who wear tight dresses and show almost their entire legs, this is what I tend to prefer in someone for purpose of hookup. They may be a 10/10 in looks but lack many qualities conducive to a lasting relationship. So instead, i may go for a girl whos average looking, but ticks all the important boxes for a relationship.

38. Why don’t you WAIT to have sex until someone is serious about you?
    You need to change your strategy.

39. Honestly if the rejection makes you feel bitter and you feel this guy can’t give you anything in your life as a friend, you don’t even owe him an answer. Or just say politely “no offence but I don’t want to be friends, best of luck to you”, you know? You don’t need to coddle his feelings. Dating is a minefield of people who don’t know what they want on both sides and really, it’s like playing the lottery… Even when you get to meet someone and sleep with them, it’s a total crapshoot to find out what they’re after.

    One of my best friends is a guy who is one of those types who can sleep with 4 different women in one week because he knows how to make himself interesting, intelligent, charming and safe all at the same time. He’s also a hopeless romantic and always keeps going on about how he’s trying to find the woman who lights his fire and makes him feel like no one else does and he evaluates this “compatibility” based on how the women are in bed. Even if a woman ticks all his boxes otherwise, if the sex is meh he’ll lose interest and bounce. I often criticise him for how cruel it must feel for the women he sleeps with, for him to swoop them off their feet like that for a weekend then drop them when this magical bedroom chemistry is off, but he’s adamant that if the sex ain’t right then it’s not going to work long term. He also doesn’t ask to be friends with the women and has a strict no contact rule after it’s been communicated that a fling has ended, apparently, because he doesn’t want to string the women along. The reason why I’m writing this is because when I got to know him, I was surprised that he put so much emphasis on the sexual chemistry even though he sleeps with almost anyone. I thought men were generally happy with just having sex, chemistry or no, but apparently not. The quality of the sex tends to be really high up for every guy friend I’ve talked to about this topic. We’re in London, I don’t know what the attitudes are like in more sexually conservative places.

    Maybe the “let’s be friends” thing is just some guys’ way of saying the sex chemistry isn’t there. They feel bad that they got the sex they wanted but it just wasn’t hitting right, and now they’re somehow trying to soften the blow for themselves and the woman. I know from my personal experience I often get the urge to pull the “let’s be friends” card when the guy is unable to talk about his feelings and open up because I just lose romantic interest in people who can’t talk or if the sex is boring, so maybe… I don’t know. It could literally be anything, and for the most part the “friends” demotion is just a soft way to say “we’re not compatible sexually/emotionally” or “I got what I wanted” with nothing deeper to it.

40. > It’s been about two days and I kind of want to let them know: While they could be a really good friend, i suspect i’ll never hear from them again.

    These guys were all like in the same week? I wonder if they caught on that you were dating multiple guys at once and had issue with that?