[24M] just got broken up with by [24F] girlfriend of 10 months because of my own mental health problems caused from my childhood. Am I in the wrong?
Context: My girlfriend didn’t text me for over 5 hours last night after work. I went to bed and could barely sleep because I’m a textbook overthinker. She was home all night and told me this morning that she is not going to apologize for not being on her phone. However, just two weeks ago she tripled texted me within an hour on a Friday night because I was not responding. She told me that made her nervous that I didn’t respond and that she didn’t know what I was doing. Last night felt weird to me so I brought it up. She said she doesn’t have to apologize and blamed me for getting upset about it. This is not the first time I have brought up how I feel just to have it brushed off and then turning the blame on me. Essentially, every time I tell her that she did something to cause me to overthink or I tell her how I fee, it turns into her not wanting to be effected by my overthinking and me mental health.
Am I in the wrong here? I had a terrible childhood and have been going to therapy and that has helped. However, whenever i tell her how I feel, i get attacked and today i got broken up with. This sucks
TL;DR: GF of 10 months broke up with me for overthinking about her not texting me back for 5 hours. Am I in the wrong?
5 comments
If she isn’t willing to work with you to talk through and resolve problems in a relationship, and she just wants to blame you for having feelings, then it wasn’t a relationship worth keeping.
Your insecurity may well have been an issue, but the thing to do in a healthy relationship would be to discuss it without blame, and for the two of you to see if you could come to agreements about texting and replying in the relationship. One set of agreements that applied equally to both of you. Also, I think if you had an explicit agreement that said she might not reply the same day but would reply within X time-frame unless there was some sort of emergency or phone problem, then I think you would have had less anxiety. Wanting to have time away from your phone is reasonable, but clarity helps to calm anxiety. Her unwillingness to work through a relationship problem with you means she wasn’t interested in having a relationship with you. I hope you find someone better.
Something I’ve learned about relationships-
Is if there’s a lot of unfounded fear or jealousy it’s your mind subconsciously telling you they’re not right for you. Some of those feelings are natural of course, but when they cause conflict it’s because the relationship itself isn’t strong or secure.
If you trusted and loved each other with confidence and healthy communication, you wouldn’t have to worry if you go five hours without speaking. You’d know in your heart it was okay.
Sorry you’re dealing with that!
Honestly it sounds like a pretty unhealthy relationship and you should focus on moving on from it and finding a healthier one in the future.
Bullet dodged.
Relationships should be equal. If she gets upset when you don’t respond, she has to be able to accept you getting concerned when she doesn’t respond. After all, her reaction makes it seem like you two should always be in contact if it’s desired by either party.
What is also disturbing is how she refuses to communicate about the problem you two are facing. Someone who refuses to even talk about the issue, let alone accept responsibility for their actions is not someone you can build a successful long term relationship with.
And for what it’s worth, it’s not overthinking for this latest incident. She set the precedent by getting upset that you didn’t respond. That led you to believe that a failure to respond was a problem. So, you reacted exactly the way you felt she would have in the same situation but positions reversed.
Do yourself a favor. Block her now that she’s dumped you. You don’t want someone like that trying to get back into your life. It won’t be worth it. Also look up “sunk cost fallacy” because I’m pretty sure you realized that relationship was not going in the direction you wanted it to.
I mean you do sound like hard work. Sorry to be blunt but I wouldn’t be apologising for not being on my phone either. Not being able to sleep over something like that is something you’ll have to work on.
Hypocrisy sucks too however. Nothing you can do it now but she shouldn’t get to berate you for not texting quickly either.
Sometimes people aren’t in the mood to chat