As the title says, my husband never got me a Christmas gift this past holiday season. To be totally honest, I’m a little disappointed. I’m not really a materialistic person, so this feels kind of silly to be writing, but I’m sad that he didn’t put the effort in to reciprocate this year.
I bought him a very nice and expensive backpack that he had been wanting and I even had to plan around when I purchased it because it was a limited edition from a brand he likes, and I didn’t want it to sell out before I got a chance to give it to him. I also bought tickets to see one of his favorite comedians on top of getting the backpack.
When he asked me what I wanted for Christmas I gave him 3 options. Either a massage, snowboard bag, or something else that I can’t even remember now. He decided he wanted to purchase a spa day for me and I was super excited. I work on my feet all night (I’m a nurse) and I usually am pretty achy when I get home so that would have been an awesome gift. The only caveat to this gift was that he wanted me to pick the place, the massage I wanted and whatever else I was interested in getting (he suggested a facial or some other spa treatment). He knows what kind of massages I like to have and I told him any facial would be fine, but that I didn’t want to pick it out. I have a lot of anxiety based around money, so knowing how much these things costs makes me feel bad that he’s purchasing them for me even if it is a gift and that’s why I preferred that he just pick them out knowing my preferences.
Well, since I never picked those things out, he just never bought anything. Not even the other options I gave him. And then after Christmas he brought up the lack of gift and asked what I wanted and I gave him an additional option that was completely different than the first 3. I even sent him links to what I was looking at. Still nothing.
I hate to feel like I’m overreacting or that I could have done more instead of coming to complain to the internet, but I feel like I’ve given him so many opportunities to get me something that I would enjoy having and that weren’t a huge burden for him to get for me. We have plenty of money and I literally spelled out possible gift options for him but he never made the effort to do anything with them.
We’ve been together for almost a decade and he’s never dropped the ball like this. Am I just being overly sensitive? What should I say to him? I don’t want to make him feel bad but I’m definitely disappointed. Advice needed please!
15 comments
There’s no excuse for this kind of thoughtlessness. Men use the “it’s too hard” or “I hate shopping” excuse but those are bullshit. These excuses are even more bullshit with their partner has given them actual items and even links to where to get them.
They manage to deal with work responsibilities, deadlines, and requirements. They can’t manage to treat their wife with the same respect they show to their boss? That’s messed up. He failed you. You have a right to be upset.
I can see how hurtful this is. It does matter because gifts are from the heart and it’s clear his heart wasn’t in it this year. Has anything else been different? Since it’s a change, it makes me wonder if something else has changed. It’s too late for Christmas because after a certain point it’s clear he’s not going to do it. Have a conversation about what’s different in your relationship that has led to this change. Ask him if his feelings for you have changed. It’s not about a gift. It’s about the heart.
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I can understand him wanting you to choose something to your liking.
If he knows about your anxiety of spending money, he should have chosen for you.
But the fact that he didn’t even got you something is something I don’t understand.
My husband has sometimes ordered things but they got delayed. He still went out of his way to get something nice as a consolation until the ‘real’ present got there.
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Tell him this. He could have given you something at least .
>What should I say to him? I don’t want to make him feel bad but I’m definitely disappointed.
Why? He should feel bad. I think it’s a bigger red flag if he didn’t feel bad about his lack of manners.
Just ask him what happened to your Christmas present! And that you still expect one. And this shit accumulates, so if he fails to bring you this gift, you’re owed two next Christmas.
Yeah, you need to talk to him about this so that you can understand what happened. It’s possible that there’s some sort of reason other than him just not caring (e.g., he might have felt like you were uninterested in his idea of the spa day as you didn’t want to pick it yourself, and that could have demoralised him).
I’m not making excuses for him, but the best thing to do is to talk to him
Sounds similar to my husband.
I don’t even know why he behaves this way as he is very varying,helpful husband and partner on the every day basis.
After I gave birth he promised me a ring but I kept waiting and waiting…u Brough it up myself afewtimes, finally I got wrong myself.
After half a year Igor the ring, beautiful one, but it didn’t have any meaning to me anymore.It actually makes me upset when I look at it
Afewmonths after wasn’t birthday, he got my a sweater I loved, but it came way too early, and he gave it to me right then.
So, on my birthday he didn’t make any effort.
It kind of hurts, he is genuinely a good husband, but I dunno…he always finds some excuses.
Where do you guys find these fucking losers?
He could literally get a dollar amount from any spa that could be spent as you see fit. He literally avoided all responsibility and put it all back on you. Tell him that he hurt you and you think less of him…because it’s true.
You are not being sensitive. He didn’t put any thought into you at all. It doesn’t seem like he feels bad about it either. That’s a red flag and a sign that your marriage is in distress. Did he not put any thought into Christmas for other family and friends too or just you?
All he had to do was get a gift certificate for a certain amount. He could have chosen the most expensive massage and facial and had the gift certificate for that amount plus tips. Then if you chose something cheaper, you’d have left over money and could have used the rest on maybe some of their products.
My husband bought me a gift certificate for the spa without me choosing what I wanted prior. So there’s no reason your husband couldn’t do the same. Not sure why he didn’t. Putting it on you doesn’t make any sense.
Talk to him and find out why he didn’t get you anything. It’s strange after 10 years together he got you nothing.
Here’s how to help your husband remember, no gift for your husband’s birthday, and no gift for Christmas next year. If he asks what happened, you look him right in the eye and tell him “oh, I thought we don’t give gifts anymore.”
Reminds me of Emma Thompson from the movie Love Actually.
Honestly I would be concerned. It’s odd that after years of gift giving he dropped the ball and even brought it up twice and then failed to follow up with a purchase or a belated purchase.
Talk to him and don’t allow this to fester. It is not materialistic to expect gifts from your partner. Especially when gift giving is discussed and the relationship norm.
He needs to know how you feel. Simply go and tell him: “Since I didn’t get a gift from you I feel (insert feelings). The stories I make up in my mind are that (insert story here, like he doesn’t care about you and doesn’t prioritise you or whatever else). For me to be happy in our marriage I need to feel (important/cared for, etc). How can this be fixed?”
Then let him think about it and let him fix it.
Whatever you do, don’t pretend to be OK with something when you’re not. Be open and honest about how you feel. Communication is so, so important.
Tell him to don’t bother with a gift for you, because the time for it has come and gone. Then I would tell him that it wouldn’t matter because he doesn’t love you enough to buy you anything! I would also not buy him anything for awhile including valentine’s day. I would also take valentine’s day off if you can and if he doesn’t do anything for you, leave him at home and go out and spend the day pampering yourself on his dime and tell him that it’s not for.
You are not overreacting. He is a lazy fuck.
Massage places and spas have gift cards. You don’t have to choose anything. You go and get a gift card for X amount and it’s done. You can also buy them online and it sends an email to the person you are gifting it to.