Those of you who have been in a situation where you were convinced that something was all your fault at the time, but later realized the blame didn’t all fall on you, what happened, and how did you grow from it?

5 comments

1. Gaslighting relationships. I took all the blame, and for that I don’t do well under stress now because I think everything I do is wrong / everything’s my fault. I get extremely anxious. I think something that helps me is just stepping away and seeing my part I play, and how to approach and stand up for myself.

   Sorry if this doesn’t answer your question.

2. The end of my last relationship. He gaslighted me so much and told me how exhausting and insecure I was. He would make snide comments to make me feel small, and I believed him every time.
   The way he dumped me was incredibly hurtful, and I did have emotional reactions to that, which he blamed me for. He told me “the universe doesn’t owe you a relationship” For months I carried this burden that I was this horrible person who didn’t deserve love, he was right and I’d always be wrong. He instilled in me that I was a needy, insecure, sad person.After therapy, talking with friends, and with time, I realized that I didn’t do anything wrong. I simply wanted to be loved and he didn’t hav the capacity to love me in that way. He was extremely emotionally unavailable, had substance abuse issues, and never did any self reflection. He straight up told me he didn’t believe in therapy and said he got thru his issues on his own. Which is total bs. Anyway, I realized everything he projected on to me was because he was miserable, and I didn’t do anything wrong by wanting someone to be available for me. I’m now in a super healthy relationship with someone who values me. I don’t have these small and insecure feelings

3. A gaslighting, toxic friendship. She would always want things done her way and when I didn’t do that, I was always made to feel like I was stupid. She would demand hours of my time constantly and I never had a backbone to set boundaries with her. We were friends for 5 years, and towards the end I had started pulling away from her because I was getting sick of her antics. I worked a full time job that was shift work and she was a stay at mom with 3 kids. She would always complain about me not being able to see her as much and would frequently post passive aggressive statuses on Facebook about having no friends. We got into a fight after I called her out on one of her posts and she went though all of the excuses as to why she wasn’t in the wrong. I ended up blocking her and life has been so much better. Since she has been out of my life, I’ve been able to pick up on things that she did that I had thought were my fault but weren’t at all.

4. I had an emotionally abusive ex boyfriend who was fantastic at turning every situation around and making it my fault.

   He had a bad day at work? My fault. I brought up something he did/said that bothered me? My fault. I caught him having inappropriate conversations with other women? My fault. I caught him on a dating app? My fault.

   After 2 years I was just tired. I found myself picking fights just so he’d leave me alone for a few days.

   The breaking point was when he picked a fight with me while my dad was in the ICU. I left my phone at home and instead of feeling the pit of my stomach fear that he would be mad at me. I felt relief that I didn’t have to deal with incessant texts about what a shitty partner I was.

   What did I learn? That it’s a form of emotional abuse and not what a relationship should look like. And that I’d rather be alone than deal with that ever again

5. I thought it was my fault that my mother didn’t love me. I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t pretty enough, I wasn’t hardworking enough, I wasn’t selfless enough for her. It was my fault for having my own opinions, wanting to do things I wanted to do. I guess it was the only way my child brain could understand why my mother was abusive, it had to be my fault because it couldn’t be her fault.

   Adult me has been through a lot of therapy to realise that the blame doesn’t fall on me. I was a child. I literally work in a job now where I safeguard children, and I would never ever blame them for being the victim and survivors of abuse. So why do I blame myself?