Hey Reddit,
tl;dr at the bottom!
My BF (23M, let’s call him J) and I (23F) have been together for a little less than three years. He broke up with me in early October, and for a while before that he has been increasingly more and more distant. Because of this, I started to become anxious and clingy and jealous. Especially for an old high school friend of his, let’s call her T (also 23F). T was very obviously hitting on him, but he didn’t notice, and told me I have nothing to worry about. J invited T for some coffee to catch up (they didn’t see each other in a few years) but the coffeeshop was closed, so they went to her place instead, where they talked. A few days later, T hosted a get-together for some friends where J also was invited, and after the friends left J slept overnight in T’s absent roommate’s bed, because it was very late and they were all drinking. All of this, and the increasing distance between us made me very very jealous and insecure. He told me that he feels like I’m suffocating him and becoming controlling. I could see where he was coming from. He broke up with me, he initially wanted a break but I refused. I wrote a goodbye letter the next day to him, then he called me and cried and begged for me to take him back. We sort-of tried again for 2-3 weeks, but we ended up mutually (I brought it up but he completely agreed and seemed relieved) calling it off after this because I didn’t feel happy, because I was always anxious and jealous about what he was doing and where he was. We still talked on the phone a lot, texted a lot, reminisced about the relationship in general. We started having sex and hanging out again. Then one day, about 5 weeks into the breakup, on what would have been our third anniversary, he tells me that he’s been to a party that night and kissed a girl (who crushed on him for years) and slept in the same bed as her there, but nothing more happened (I know this for a fact for medical reasons that I’m not going to get into, but he couldn’t have done anything because of surgery a few days before down there) and also went on a few dates with another girl where nothing physical has happened. He was single, so he didn’t technically do anything wrong, but this still devastated me.
After this, I went No Contact for a week. During that week, he had sex with T twice, without using a condom (she was on birth control). He also told me that he had feelings for T in high school, and some of those feelings came back while we were in No Contact. (I asked about this back in October, he said that he never had any feelings for her.) Also, he told me that T basically used him and his feelings for sex, and it was very bad and one-sided, and he was discarded instantly after the acts. But they still did it twice. To me, this was like a nuclear bomb to the stomach, and seemed like a confirmation to my suspicions. Also, this meant that he knowingly reached out to a former crush and went to her place while we were still together. I lashed out at him pretty badly, saying things that I’m incredibly ashamed of (practically verbal abuse). He put up with this, and suggested that we start dating again because he still loves me. I agreed, we took things slow, he cut contact with everyone he had anything to do with during this time, we became official and exclusive again 7 weeks ago, and he has done everything in his power to make me feel loved and happy. Dates, surprises, anything, you name it, has been great, but two things are always on my mind, and keep me from being happy with him: the fact that he discarded me instead of working on our issues back in October, and this way he pushed me to the lowest point in my entire life and made me miserable; and the fact that he had sex with the girl I was so jealous about and worried so much about, basically confirming my suspicions. After only 6 weeks into the breakup, and after 1 week of NC only. He insists that T didn’t make a move on him while we were together, and that they were only friends back then, and she didn’t play a part in him becoming distant and breaking up with me. I suppose I believe this, but the fact that this happened still bugs me a lot. I feel like trust was broken. I am trying very hard to let this go and be happy with him – but I don’t know if I can and I am beating myself up a lot about it. J was my first sexual partner, and the one to take my virginity, and now there he was, knowing another persons body inside and out, finding pleasure with this other girl in the thing I found most sacred and special with him. I find myself having obsessive-compulsive thoughts about this. He didn’t technically do anything wrong, but I can’t seem to forget and forgive (which I absolutely hate myself for). Also I should add that during this week of NC a great opportunity presented itself for some casual sex with an old childhood friend of mine but I turned it down because of the feelings I still had for J, and because I didn’t want to hurt him if we got back somehow. Should I bury my feelings, or leave now and cut my losses? He is my first love and first major long term relationship. These terrible anxious insecure thoughts have been so intrusive that I spend most of my day not doing anything and spiraling. I can’t seem to work anymore, or focus on my hobbies or friends. But I love him so much, he is so special and I have never had a connection like this with anyone, ever. Whenever I’m with him I feel like I should do anything to keep him together with me, but whenever I’m alone I feel like ending the relationship, but I can never bring myself to it. I love him. What should I do? Please help me!!
TL;DR
BF (23M) of almost 3 years broke up with me (23F) in October. Begged for me to come back after a few days, I came back, mutually (but my idea) broke up again after 2-3 weeks. We kept talking, hanging out and having sex for 6 weeks. He kissed a girl the night before what would have been our third anniversary, and have been on casual dates with another. This destroyed me and I went No Contact for a week, during which he had sex with the girl I was always jealous and anxious and insecure about, but I was constantly told that I shouldn’t worry about her. They did it twice, without a condom (hormonal birth control). He was my first sexual partner. He confessed that he used to have feelings for her before we started dating 3 years ago, which he lied about while we were still together. He insists she didn’t make a move on him before our BU, and that she didn’t play a part in it. We reconciled and have been together for 7 weeks, he has been a dream BF since, but I can’t shake the intrusive thoughts of him already dropping me back in October, and him having sex with this other girl, especially the fact that it happened with this specific girl. Hate myself for not being able to let go. Should we keep going on? I’m going crazy.
2 comments
You say he didn’t do anything wrong, but you also say he lied to you. Did he ever apologize for or explain why he lied to you? He can’t have both never had feelings for her and used to have had feelings for her. So, when was he telling you something that wasn’t true and why?
You never did get to the bottom of why he acted distant in the first place. But my honest assessment is that the relationship has run its course. And instead of making a clean break what happened here you two did this back and forth dance that so many people do when they break up with their first significant partner. They don’t know how to move on so they keep coming back to what’s familiar even when it’s not healthy.
You guys were broken up. Some people get over break ups by getting with other people. It helps them feel less lonely and it’s easier to get with someone you already know. He got with the girl he told you not to worry about because she was there, available and literally took no work. It has nothing to do with you.
So if you’re not going to let go of things that happened when you were broken up, stop punishing yourself and him. And if they thoughts are as intrusive as you describe, seek help.