Straight, married.
Currently we have “romantic sex” twice a week. It’s good for both us.
Husband would really like “something” everyday. Even two times a weeks is more than I desire.
I am considering offering to, for lack of a better term, be a sex doll in the morning. He always wakes up hard. So on days we don’t have a “date night” planned, I’m thinking to let him just “go at it” as long as I don’t have to put in any effort.
Has anyone tried this? Did it led to self esteem problems of feeling like a sex object, only? Just being used?
I am sure this is a kink for some people so no need to reply, “I’d love it / lucky guy” whatever.
I’m interested in people who may have tried this compromise and how long it lasted and if it worked or just led to more problems.
No need for conjecture. If you haven’t been in this situation, rather than comment, I would appreciate an upvote to help maybe get this to people who have been in this situation and tried this ”solution “.
I haven’t brought it up to my husband yet because I’m not sure how I feel about it and don’t want to offer something then later “take it away” if it is an obvious dead end.
Thanks in advance.
23 comments
Being a “sex doll” for him won’t help. It will only devalue sex even further.
If it were someone other than your husband would you want to have sex more frequently or do you just generally have a low libido?
A compromise is when the two of you find common ground as to how often the sex should be. But if you are intentionally not taking part, the sex will be unsatisfying for him, and will reinforce aspects of sex that you aren’t going to enjoy – like him viewing you as an object.
As a husband who has had my wife offer this, it’s just not fun. You won’t like it, he won’t like it. It’s mechanical. We have even fought over it where she insisted I get off and I was not into it unless she was…. Moral of the story, you are better off sticking to your romantic schedule but helping him other ways. Don’t shame him for masturbating, and or even help if he is that horny. That way he can get off and go about his business and you won’t feel like the gate keeper to his happiness. He can also go a few days without it, perhaps encourage or build up to a later date and it becomes even hotter? When we do this, the anticipation makes it hotter when we actually have time and we know both parties are “down”. Hope this helps.
Being on the other side, my wife has low libido, we tried this.
I can say, duty sex is not great, she used to have sex just to satisfy me, it was not fun, very unsatisfying. I was usually struggling to make it fun for both of us, without success.
What I would suggest, is what I myself would be happy with: Giving blowjobs or even handjobs, when it is not a burden for you and you can give it to him with love. This is also better, when both are in the mood, but still the receiving party can just lay back and enjoy it.
i would just ask your doctor about supplements to increase libido if you want to help the mismatch.
maca and ashwagandha both help and are natural.
My wife and I have done this, it went well for a while but life intervened and we got out of the habit and haven’t revisited
There are rare times when we are both interested but only I have the energy. She tells me “I’m down, but I need to just lie here…” It doesn’t ruin it for her and doesn’t ruin it for me, but in our case she’s not rolling her eyes and acquiescing. She still enjoys it but is not prepared to spend the energy.
If your attitude is similar (i.e., you enjoy the experience but don’t have the energy in the tank) you might find this is okay.
Edit: if you do this 5 times in 7, one or both of you may come to dislike it. For us it’s more like 1 time in 20, really seldom.
It’s all about your attitude. My wife and I went thru something similar when she went thru menopause and her hormones went haywire. She lost her ability to enjoy sex, so our frequency dropped dramatically. This bothered both of us, so we worked together to get it fixed. Neither of us wanted a dead bedroom.
She made herself available to me pretty much whenever I wanted, which was pretty much daily. Sometimes I said yes, sometimes no, sometimes she insisted. If you are just a doll and have the “get it overwith” attitude, this won’t go well. If you have a positive attitude, you have a much higher chance that this will work.
Now that her hormones (her T level was 0) are fixed, she’s as horny as a teenage boy. It has other benefits as well for her overall well being.
I was in a dead bedroom, and while we didn’t have something openly stated like this, he definatly gave me duty sex. Sex he only did because I wanted it. It was all I ever really experienced at the time. But I can tell you now having sex where I’m actually desired….duty sex it awful. I would NEVER accept it again. What you are describing sounds kind of like free use, which both parties should be into.
I dont know what the solution is. Now I refuse to date or stay with anyone who doesn’t want what I want. Being sexually frustrated is not worth any man. But that’s just me.
Went through a similar problem with my spouse. Eventually, I came to the realization that 2-3 times a week was pretty good.
I would have not liked the solution you’re presenting. I always wanted her to want it. Which in hindsight was kind of dumb. She’s just not as much as a physical lover as I am. But what did work was sometimes, when she really wasn’t in the mood she would say how about we have sex after you rub my back. She’s not huge into foreplay and I would love it. But this was a great compromise. I usually made it very sensual and then when she would like it, I would massage her to an orgasm.
Then we would have sex after and it’s great. We still do this years later. We do back rubs almost every time now and it works for us. So while I wouldn’t like what you’re offering, if it works for you and your husband go for it.
There will likely be days where you feel more emotionally fragile and I do think it best to always have your husband check in with you before he ‘uses your body as a sex doll’. Most days it’s fine and is much better than having anxiety that I am disappointing someone I care about. It’s also better than having to act like I am interested in sex when I am not.
On those emotionally fragile days, it can feel like rape, though, so be careful and be honest with yourself and him about your emotional state before every single time.
If she isn’t into it neither am I. Her pleasure is my pleasure and gets me going. However sometimes you just need a release
Going through with PIV sex that I wasn’t aroused for ended up being very bad for me. I thought it would be fine because I have a kind of kink for being “used.” Also, at the time, I never orgasmed from PIV anyway, so I figured, what was the difference?
Well, it turned out there was a big difference. It wasn’t obvious right away, but the more I did it, the worse and worse I started feeling during sex. I started to kind of feel like I wasn’t in my body anymore while he was fucking me. I started to cry in the middle of sex. It didn’t hurt, I just felt completely empty. It really damaged the sexual relationship with my partner and we eventually ended up breaking up, partly because I didn’t think I’d be able to recover from the sexual aversion I had with him.
I would not want sex with someone who just lays there and clearly does not want it. Trust me, this won’t work out the way you think it will. You will only end up hurting yourself and feel like an object.
Recipe for resentment. My husband is lower, I’m higher. We have done something similar to this, no agreement, but it came out to be basically this idea.
He eventually felt like I was only interested in him because he gave me something, not for him. When sex stopped/slowed, he also got self-conscious that I didn’t like him as much or was angry.
I’m usually pretty high libido, but when I was going through a dry spell, I went the route you describe, and I ended up enjoying it. He gave me a lovely back rub, and while he was back there, he got his happy ending. Win/win.
My partner hasn’t ever been in a relationship longer than 2 years prior to this one (4-5 years). He recently drunkenly admitted he was struggling because he feels less sexually desired than earlier in our relationship. I told him the reality of long term relationships is that my libido doesn’t stay the same as when we were first together. He saw this as defeatist / a cop out and we should work on it.
I then started accepting his advances even if I wasn’t feeling it and this has only made things worse. He feels I’m not enjoying it, and it has killed my sex drive further.
We’ve not worked out the solution yet, but my advice is ‘sex doll’ sex is not the solution!
A monogamous relationship mean that you are one another’s only sex partner, and consequently you both take on some responsibility to satisfy one another’s sexual needs.
I have a little higher sex drive than my wife, so sometimes when I really need it and she frankly doesn’t, she does offer to “just lie there” for me. She always ends up saying she enjoyed it even if she didn’t cum, and of course I do and did.
But our libido difference is small, and we’re generally both very much into sex. I think this sort of “maintenance sex” can be good for a relationship as long as nobody feels resentful.
So I think it gets down to your feelings about it. If you genuinely don’t mind having sex with him more often than you prefer, in order to satisfy his needs, then maybe it would be OK. And if you can frame it in your mind that he really wants you and you’re helping him with a genuine need, even better. But if it just makes you feel like you’re being used, that will only build resentment.
Good on you for considering this compromise! If you both handle it well it could lead to more intimacy and comfort for you both.
My wife did this exact thing and it drew a wedge between us that eventually led to a short term separation. It’s very difficult to enjoy sex when it’s glaringly obvious your partner would rather be somewhere else doing anything other than being fucked. It’s not romantic and it’s barely more pleasurable than beating off. I would advise against this arrangement.
People are writing about why it’s important for the guy to feel wanted, not to shame him and suggesting the partner ( the woman ) needs to be enthusiastic .
Does the guy have any responsibility here or is it all one way ?
As others have stated, men enjoy feedback when having sex with their partner. My wife and I tried this once and after about 5 minutes we found that it just wasn’t fun. She wasn’t into it and I didn’t like that she wasn’t into it. As a compromise she bought me a toy to use when I’m in the mood and she’s not.
I’ve experienced something similar. I found that “starfish sex” (partner just sort of lays there and takes it) gets old real fast. The palpable lack of interest is a real mood killer. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that if my options are this kind of sex or no sex, I’ll take no sex and just satisfy my needs manually on the side.
tried this in my past relationships because he was very high libido and I wanted to make him feel good, also he shamed me if I said I don’t want sex, he would say it’s my fault, I am weird, etc and I started to really believe it’s something wrong with me, and I’ve started to have sex even if I didn’t want it, tried to get through, let him use me for his pleasure. And little by little I’ve come to resent and even hate him so much for doing this to me, even if I allowed it, the resent comes from the fact that he knew I didn’t want it, he knew how I feel but he continued, he cared only for his pleasure, not for how I feel.
And it gave me major trauma, even today i am not able to overcome it, I still feel used even if I’m not and start to resent my partner, even if he isn’t the one who gave me the trauma.