My ex-partner (30M) and I (28F) have been together for 7 years, cohabiting 4 of those 7 years, but we have known each other and being friends since I was 15 and he was 18.
For personal reasons, I had to go on an one week solo trip. He accompanied me to the station, lovingly and warmingly (long kiss, long hug) to say goodbye and reassure me: *”It’s going to be just a week, soon we’ll be together.”*
During my trip, we were chatting, very little, but engaging. Up until one night, I tried to contact him and he doesn’t respond in all night. The morning after he told me he forgot his phone at work. After this point, he is almost non-responsive to my prompts to engage or talk.
The day before I was going back, I sensed something is wrong chatting on WhatsApp. I called him being worried. He was being cold as fuck, and telling me he is really disappointed at me and over the phone, broke up with me.
His reasoning being, I have been unemployed for a long time and he is tired of me being a “kept woman” and taking care of all the bills. I haven’t being unemployed by my choice and I have been relentlessly searching for jobs all the time, but in the local area (where we used to live) job opportunities are pretty much non-existent. We didn’t have a mortgage, living in one of her parents’ apartment and, knowing his payment and the prices of the bills, he gains more than enough to assume that cost. Moreover, he spent like $300 monthly on clothes, figurines, gamings, books… All for him, because while I haven’t been working I didn’t asked him to buy me anything outside of the basics (food for both, hygienic products and bills).
And secondly, his other reason, I don’t leave him any privacy and I am controlling.
One month before my trip, a new person/friend, a female coworker (28F) entered his life. He hidden this fact from me, and blatantly lie quite the times about it. One night I asked him directly, if he was having a new friend (out of anomal behaviour he was having, detailed in next paragraph) and he denied it and got incredibly angry at me, up until a few weeks later, he confirmed me the fact.
He was going out at night to “clear his mind out”. He went for drinks with colleagues and co-workers, first time in 4 years he have done that. He was always on the phone chatting with this person. He hidden phone calls from me and wait till I was blowing my hair to make such calls. Buying whisky bottles, tea, when he doesn’t drink neither of those, but later I discover she LOVES whisky.
To be honest, I have multiple conversations with him, because he was acting fishy and hiding things from me. He could have his new friend, going out with her if he wanted, but I just wanted him to tell me that type of things.
“Who are you talking to?”
“The co-worker of mine.”
Instead of, an excuse, a lie “I am not talking to anyone” while I hear the whatsapp sounds, or him getting defensive because I am being controlling.
He asked casually asked me to when he saw me on my phone what I was doing, or who I was talking about. For me, at least, is normal behaviour, it is not invasive, I don’t want to know the content of what you are talking, just casually asking what are you doing. As casually as “what are you watching” while you are on tv. I wasn’t all over him, asking constantly, just here and there, again, in a totally casual manner.
After breaking up with me, I went to pick-up my things. He was no-where to be found, he didn’t went to talk with me and, afterwards, he called me a thief (because I took my laptop from his apartment) and used it as an excuse for blocking me everywhere.
No more explanation, no more talk.
The only other time we interacted, he randomly called me and asked for me to give him back my laptop (I paid for it, the program licenses and all). I tried to have the conversation that the relationship was missing, the why would you do that like that and the true reasonings, including the new girl, but he said nothing. He did get defensive when I suggested that I needed real reasonings, and if he wasn’t giving me any, maybe I could contact her. He went mad, screaming like a maniac.
Anyway. Sorry for the long post, what are your thoughts on this? I am truly lost, I’d like to have some objectives thoughts on the why.
tl;dr: Long-term partner broke up with me, blocked me everywhere and refuse to give me any good reasonings or having a heart-to-heart talk.
6 comments
Sounds like he cheated on you and then gaslit you
Well, your title is a little inaccurate because this doesn’t sound unexpected. It sounds like you guys were having issues, he was cheating, you had suspicion he was cheating, and it finally all came to a head.
>He went mad, screaming like a maniac
Is this his typical behavior? Because if so, he sounds crazy and scary and not someone worth dating in the first place. Why would you ever put up with someone like that?
I’m not sure specifically what you want advice on. But my advice is to block him back and focus on finding a better relationship with someone that doesn’t cheat and that isn’t crazy.
Absolutely let her know about your relationship and when it ended. Because it sounds like he cheated this could be a deal breaker for her. Absolutely don’t take him back if it is a deal breaker for her.
He gave you his reasoning and he just sounds unhappy over time, whether you aware of it doesn’t make it true and it’s easy to speculate about the colleague but it doesn’t mean anything happened and he left a relationship of 7 years because of her. Could he have cheated? Eh possibly, do I think he ended a 7 year relationship over someone he’s known a month? Not really, but that’s speculation. Ultimately he seemed unhappy and told you why, sometimes you just have to say “fine”…whether anything happened or not and there’s nothing factual to say it did, he’s ended the relationship and is definitive about moving forward
OP, it’s over. Whether or not the “friend” played into his decision, he’s not feeling it with you any more and he gets defensive when you try to talk reasonably with him. So the best thing you can do for your OWN mental health is to just acknowledge that he no longer thinks the two of you have a good future together, and obviously a one-sided romance never works out.
Getting “closure” on a breakup is a psychobabble myth. You got “closure” when he told you he was ending it. The simplest reason why is that you were incompatible.
Sounds to me like he felt disrespected and found someone who at least let him feel equality. Feeling like a caretaker kills it for men. If if didn’t feel right for him that sucks, just like if would for you (although my guess is you’d get a lot more support.
Basically, you have to ready to fall in love with someone multiple times because we all change. That’s hard when you know them from before maturity.
PC/non-Weinstein hugs from a guy who’s been there. DM me for resouces if you want.